Shards of Me
by JadeLightning-Wolf
Summary: Three years ago, he left to fight in a war she hated. Now he returns to her, a broken man to a shattered woman. How long does it take for shards of the heart to mend?
1. Prologue: Frayed Edges

_Disclaimer: Characters of Rurouni Kenshin are the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki and he is gracious enough to not slap me with a law suit when I use them. Like I have any money anyway. Story rated for future violence, gore, and adult situations.

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**Shards of Me**

_Prologue: Frayed Edges_

Could he do nothing but fidget? He shifted in his seat anxiously, picking at a none-existent piece of lint on the sleeve of his uniform. He adjusted the collar for the millionth time, trying to ignore the fact that his choking feeling was probably no fault of his uniform. His fingers stroked the frayed edges of his ancient leather suitcase, pulling the threads into even further disarray.

Why was time moving so slowly? Surely the seconds must be ticking by at a million miles an hour. With every breath he was closer, but his destination was still so far from him. His mind could not decide. Was time trapped in a slip? Were minutes hours, or were they nanoseconds?

His eyes scanned the scant other passengers on the train warily. Not all of his old habits had died yet. Even though he was now free to live a normal peaceful life, his eyes could not help but assess the people around him. Any one of them, in the world he'd just come from, could have been a dangerous terrorist with explosives stowed and ready to use. Desperately he tried to concentrate on a countryside he could not see in the inky blackness of night.

He did not want to see her again. Every fiber in his being yearned to look upon her, touch her, but he did not want to look her in the eye and reveal what he had become. He wanted to rewind time to that night three years ago when he had left and never looked back. If he could change one thing, he would've looked back. He would've kissed her. He would've done something to reveal his feelings so that she could at least have the comfort of knowing he did indeed love her. Now, if he had any say in the matter, she would never know.

The sound of someone clearing his or her throat startled him. He looked up into the isle and met the irritated but amused eyes of a matronly woman with her gray hair pulled up into a fly-away bun. "Care for something to drink, dear?" she asked, motioning to the small trolley she wheeled in front of her.

Kenshin nodded, asking with a rough, tight voice for a ginger-ale. Perhaps the liquid would loosen the knot in his throat as well as ease the butterflies flying a tango through his gut. The woman handed him a can of the soda and continued on her way, humming a sad tune which he knew, but could remember no words to.

He popped the tab of the can a little too roughly and the metal snapped, scratching his fingers but not drawing blood. He took a sip of the liquid and swallowed…or tried to swallow. The knot would give him no peace. He struggled and little by little, won out enough to swallow the first mouthful.

_This is a nightmare,_ he thought to himself, running a nervous hand through his red hair. His bangs stubbornly refused to smooth away from his face. The train was drawing nearer. Supposedly their arrival time was one o'clock. His watch informed him that the time in the Middle-East was early afternoon. He swore softly to himself and tried to see if a clock with local time was available. There wasn't one.

He took another sip of ginger-ale, concentrating on swallowing the liquid so he would not have to think of blue eyes or blood, shinai or screams. Surely she would take one look at him, see the taint war had left on his entire being, and turn her back on him. He would not be able to blame her. Perhaps he should just continue on—stay on the train and move on to the next city. She'd be happier without him.

Yet at the same time, he wanted to see her so badly his body physically ached. He could not longer remember what her hair felt like in his fingers. He could not remember if her scent was closer to jasmine or orange blossoms. The sparkle in her eyes was as distant in his mind as the twinkling stars he could just barely make out through his window. _Just those memories_, he told himself. _I'll stay long enough that I'll never forget another thing about her and then I'll go. It will be for the best._

But once he had her, would he be able to let her go? He fingered the embossed letters on the suitcase, shuddering again as he remembered the second case hidden within the first—the one that held his shadows, his blood, and his nightmares. Surely he could let her go.

The train whistle sounded and he jumped, hand going for a hilt that was not there. His fingers clenched and unclenched, knuckles groaning under the strain. So close. He did not want to face her. He wanted to kiss her.

His chest tightened and the knot in his throat grew, threatening to choke him. He could not breathe. He could face a man willing to kill him and not even feel his pulse rise, but to face her, his heart was thundering. The other passengers could hear it, he was sure.

The train was slowing. Other passengers were stirring. A few glanced in his direction. One man smiled encouragingly as if to say, _"Good luck, young man."_ Kenshin swallowed convulsively, nearly coughing as the knot disappeared in a breathless instant to leave him with the bitter taste of bile. His palms were sweating and he prayed he would be able to stand without wobbling.

The train shuddered to a stop, everyone lurching forward with their own momentum. Kenshin remained seated as others filed off. He was alone on the train. _Get up! _his mind screamed at him. _Get up and face her. You will not hide from her like a coward._

_But I am a coward,_ he whispered in response, even as his legs began to move. Before he knew it, he stood at the sliding door. The ticket conductor sweeping the cars gave him an odd look. He smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring manner before facing the sterile white platform. _Now or never…_ Kenshin stepped onto the platform.


	2. Softly in the Night

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is _completely fictional. _Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, _do not flame me for them._ Do no stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful._ _Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are.

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**Shards of Me**

Chapter I: Softly in the Night

There was a lone girl waiting on the train platform as the clock struck one. She huddled in her coat as a steady wind rushed past her face from the chill night. The single working attendant watched her warily. She didn't look homeless. Her long black hair was clean and pulled into a high ponytail. Her clothes, though not designer label, were tidy and well-kept. As she turned her profile towards him, he noted a fair complexion and determined blue eyes, but she turned away as a forlorn and far-off whistle echoed through the glaring white tunnel.

Out of the darkness, the girl could just make out a bright headlight, steadily approaching. Again she wondered why he'd chosen to come home this way, instead of by plane to the recently built airport. Her hands twisted nervously. None of her other friends had come along to meet him.

Sano was working tonight. He'd managed to land a job at a night club as a well-paid bouncer. Megumi was out of town to study a new type of invasive surgery. Misao and Aoshi had taken off for a two week vacation in the Himalayas. Yahiko was not allowed to be around and about at this hour, and she would not bend the rules, even for this. Kaoru was the only person free to see him come home. She twisted the letter he'd sent her nervously, glancing down again to check and make sure she had the right time and place.

The train was getting closer now, slowing down. She could make out some details, only slightly inkier than the blackness of the night. She could hear the clack of its wheels against the track. As the engine pulled into the station, butterflies erupted in her stomach.

She had not seen him in three years—three years of pure agony. They'd corresponded, but not much. Too often he was in a place where letters couldn't reach. When they did manage to communicate, it was always with a current of uneasiness, even in the written word. He told her nothing of what he was doing and she told him nothing of how much her heart was slowly tearing her apart. She could still remember the day three years ago when he'd come to her, alone at 2:30 in the morning, well aware she was still awake because Kaoru, as a rule, didn't sleep if she didn't have to.

_She started at a gentle knock on her apartment door. Only one person would come to call this late, and that was because he knew her too well. She stood, setting aside the bag of popcorn she'd been munching while she wrote her summer term paper. As she'd known, he was standing at the door. But something was different. Instead of looking sheepish like he always did when he came late at night, he looked serious. There was a hard glint in his eyes that she'd only seen a few times before._

"_May I come in?"_

_She nodded, undoing the chain lock and opening the door for him. In such a small town, it was sheer paranoia to lock her door up so heavily at night, but he would scold her if she didn't._

_Without a word he sat on the couch, posture stiff and guarded._

_She sat on the opposite end, facing him and drawing her knees up to her chest. Already she had a feeling of foreboding. Whatever he was here for, she would not like it._

_Kaoru could see he was trying to find words for her silent questioning stare, so she gave him time and studied his profile instead. Kenshin was a man who commanded attention, even though he was short and soft-spoken. His thin body belied his strength. She had seen him knock out guys nearly twice his size. His face was exotic. Long red hair like waves of fire framed his face. He kept it tied back at the nape of his neck or in a high ponytail, depending mostly on whether he was practicing kendo or not. His face was chiseled, but not necessarily in a way to suggest arrogance or overly-applied charm. His eyes were quite possibly his most unusual feature. Normally, they were crystalline amethyst that, though friendly, gave away nothing. However, Kaoru had known Kenshin long enough to have witnessed the rare times when his eyes turned molten amber. Always, it was when he was feeling strong emotions. Times when he was really angry, truly at peace, fiercely passionate, those were the times when his eyes went gold._

_At long last, he turned towards her. He seemed to be waiting for her to say something, so she did. "What's wrong, Kenshin?"_

_He frowned, clearly not expecting her to be so forward. However, she was finally beginning to feel tired enough to go to bed, and bluntness would probably get her there faster. For a long time, he said nothing._

_Then, turning away, Kenshin murmured, "I'm leaving."_

_She had blinked, not comprehending. Leaving where? Why? For how long?_

_He gave a ghost of a smile at the sudden uneasiness in her ki. "I've enlisted."_

_Again she blinked, letting the words sink in. He counted in his mind as he waited for it to compute._

"_YOU WHAT?"_

_He remained calm. Uneasiness could not be allowed. If he let it show, he wouldn't be able to leave. "Kaoru, the neighbors," he admonished quietly._

_She clapped her hands over her mouth, even as she glared daggers at him. He waited patiently for her to calm down. It had been the reaction he'd been expecting._

"_Kenshin, how could you?" she said more quietly, though with the exact same tone of anger. He mentally readied himself. This was the part he'd practiced for. He knew Kaoru didn't approve of the war. He had known she could conceivably hate him for this. Taking a deep breath, he turned fully to face her, willing her to understand._

"_Kaoru, this is important to me. I know you don't approve of the war, and neither do I frankly, but innocent people are dying. I cannot stand idly by when I know it is well within my power to save them. They do not deserve what they are getting."_

"_But…but…Do you even care that you're aiding a load of corrupt government asses who are just there to drop the oil prices, even though the burning of fossil fuels is what's ruining our world?"_

"_Yes, Kaoru, I do care. However, I also care about little children starving to death because the warring factions have taken all their food. I care about women who have so little left that they sell themselves to get by. I care about the fact that people who did absolutely nothing to deserve it are now dying in a war that is our fault."_

_She stared disbelieving. "You're doing this out of…out of guilt?"_

"_In a way, yes."_

"_But it's not you're fault we're over there. You didn't vote for the president. You didn't give the order to go over there."_

"_No, but I'm responsible all the same."_

_One of her eyebrows raised incredulously._

"_So long as I can do something to help, but choose to do nothing, I am part of the problem. So I choose to help. It's not the solution I would have chosen, but it is a solution."_

_For Kaoru, it was finally sinking in that Kenshin meant this. He really and truly believed in what he was saying. She felt tears prickle her eyes and shook her head impatiently, trying to clear them away without letting him know they were there._

"_You…you might die," she said softly._

"_It's a risk I'm willing to take."_

_She opened her eyes and he could see the tears brimming there, in spite of her best efforts._

"_What if it's a risk I'm not willing to let you take?"_

_He stood and moved to kneel beside her. She watched him warily, not trusting this new tactic._

"_It's not your decision, Kaoru," he said gently, taking one of her hands in his and rubbing circles into her palm with his thumb. "It's my decision, and I'm leaving whether you like it or not. In fact, my flight's in three hours. I just wanted you to understand why I'm leaving. You're the only one who knows. I haven't told anyone else. I'd appreciate it if you tell them for me."_

_Kaoru gave up trying to control her tears and let them spill freely. Kenshin and she had been friends for years. For quite some time, she'd wanted the relationship to be more than friends, but hadn't had the guts to tell him so. Now she was losing her chance. He was leaving them…leaving her._

"_Please forgive me," he said quietly. His arms slid around her shoulders and hugged her tightly. He turned inward and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. Then he stood and left, only pausing to whisper, "Goodbye, Kaoru."_

_She barely heard him, but the words broke her in two like a twig into a fire. Tears had spilt freely as the door clicked shut behind him. Her body gave way to grief. It was the worst kind of crying, without sobs and screaming. It was silent and breathless. It was only broken by her soft quiet whispers, gasped out every time she had enough air. "Kenshin."_

It had taken two weeks before her friends could even coax her out of her apartment. Megumi had nearly had to slap her out of it. It had taken another two months before she could do anything more than what was necessary to her survival. It had taken a full year before she was willing to go to a club with her friends again, and even then she would only sit in a booth, refusing all requests to dance.

In all three years of waiting, Kaoru had tortured herself. He was the first thing she thought of when she woke up and the last thing she thought about before she went to sleep. Even her dreams were devoted to him. After she started hearing about casualties in the news, she'd been plagued with horrible nightmares. They almost always ended with his death.

And now she would see him again, alive. But the question foremost on her mind was not his state of physical health. What had the war done to his mind? To his soul? Was he still the man she remembered, or had he been broken and pushed beyond even her reach?

Kaoru inhaled sharply as the train came to a full stop. She felt like she was going to throw up, but could not find it in herself to move from her spot on the concrete. The doors on the train slid back automatically. A few lonely people straggled out, looking disheveled and tired. They glanced at her before hurrying away. Where was he?

The conductor made last call for all passengers. Kaoru held her breath.

And then, from the last compartment, he emerged onto the platform.

oOoOoOoOo

She was frozen as though she'd never be able to take another step. _Move!_ her brain screamed at her muscles, but they were not listening. He looked around a moment before noticing her. He also seemed frozen to the spot for a moment.

Some detached part of her was taking notes on similarities and differences between this man and the one who'd left her apartment in the dead of night three years ago.

His hair was still long, still in its familiar ponytail. That surprised her. Didn't they make military personnel cut their hair? He was dressed in a navy blue uniform. She scrambled to remember what branch he'd been in. Marines maybe? If she hadn't been so shocked by the rest of him, that uniform would have stopped her in her tracks for sure. He looked handsome.

But his face was completely different. Shadows lined his features. He still looked young. Unlike many others, wrinkles hadn't been added by hardship, but the shadows on his face more than made up for it. A cross-shaped scar stood out brilliantly on his cheek. It looked like it might still be healing. What truly stopped her, though, were his eyes.

He'd been a carefully controlled man before he left. Now, he was nothing but ice. Amethyst eyes that before had been somewhat open and almost always happy were now covered by a steely blue cast. Beneath it, nothing showed. He was hidden from her. For a brief moment, as she met his eyes, she thought she saw the cast lift, and beneath it was unspeakable pain. Then, it was back.

He stepped towards her, lifting a nondescript duffle bag and a battered leather suitcase she'd failed to notice. Still, she could not move. He stopped in front of her, set the bag down again, and faced her. If she hadn't been rendered immobile, she would have been unable to meet his eyes.

Without a word, he touched her cheek, thumb rubbing away tears she hadn't even realized she was shedding. With the gentle action, some of his icy demeanor melted away, but it was still there, blocking her from the man she loved.

At long last, she took a shuddering breath. "Kenshin…"

She had planned for this moment. She had planned to carefully greet him and act as though nothing was wrong. She had planned to ask him to stay the night in her guest bedroom since he was apartmentless for the time being. She had planned on casually telling him how much she missed him. She had planned on maybe gathering courage enough to ask him out to coffee the next day. Nothing happened as she'd planned.

She threw herself into his arms and sobbed.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin had been running scenarios through his mind of how to greet her ever since he'd learned he could go home. Many of them involved sweeping her off her feet and kissing her breathless. He had not expected to be so…surprised by her appearance though. Outwardly, she didn't look any different. But in her eyes, there was a sorrow that was out of place. His heart sank as he realized that he'd been the one to put it there.

When tears started streaming down her face, he found his ability to move again. Kissing her seemed like a double-edged sword now. Was she crying out of happiness, or did she hate him? Had he broken her with one single action that, at the time, had seemed so right in his mind? In an effort to give comfort, he reached forward and brushed away the tears. He had not expected her to throw herself in his arms.

_She doesn't hate me_, one part of him observed with some sense of bitter humor. The rest of him concentrated on taking away her pain. His arms slid around her and brought her closer, squeezing tightly. He might've held her even tighter if he hadn't feared cutting off her ability to breathe.

She was crying outright now, sobbing and hiccuping. He was about to greet her, to tell her how much he'd missed her, when she drew away from him suddenly, hand going to her mouth. Her face turned suddenly pale and a sheen of sweat broke out. Her cobalt eyes were darting around, searching for something. She rushed away from him so suddenly he was left standing motionless and stunned on the platform.

Kenshin regained himself and hefted his duffel and suitcase, turning to find her. He caught sight of a swinging door and jogged after her. For a moment, he stood outside what he realized was the women's room before making up his mind. Quietly, he pushed the door forward and entered. She was kneeling in the closest stall, violently expelling her last meal. He felt overwhelming guilt. Somehow, he couldn't help but feel he was the cause for this.

Unthinking, Kenshin dropped his luggage and knelt behind her, placing gentle hands on her back to steady her and keep her hair from her face. She seemed to draw strength from him and the heaves slowly abated. When he was sure she was done, he rose and found his water bottle, a small token of the train when he'd refused any supper. He could see the smiling matron who insisted he take it still lingering in his mind's eye.

Kaoru took the bottle from him with listless hands. Her eyes were downcast as she slowly drank, washing away the taste of bile. She jumped when she felt a cool hand pressed to her forehead.

"You're running a fever," he said softly. His voice seemed different: deeper, softer, and sadder.

"I'm so glad you're home." Kaoru's words came out hoarse and quiet. Kenshin nearly missed it.

"Let's get you to your apartment. I'll drive and you can direct me."

She nearly started crying again. Here he was after three years of fighting in the streets and all he would do was take care of her. She nodded, afraid to try and speak around the lump in her throat. He offered a hand, helping her to her feet.

Without a word, Kenshin put an arm around her shoulder and led her from the bathroom. They left the station quietly and she pointed to her small car. The ride home was silent, save for the scant directions Kaoru gave.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin might have studied the apartment around him to see how much it had changed, but he could not tear his eyes from Kaoru. The sight of her, flushed and saddened though she was, seemed to be acting as a healing salve on his wounded soul. It was as though he'd been wandering through a desert dying of thirst, and she was his oasis. He was drinking in the sight of her.

Through three years, her appearance had hardly changed. She was still slight of frame, even shorter than he was. Her curves had matured slightly, giving her the appearance of a woman rather than a teenager. Her complexion was still naturally ivory white, quite averse to any and all tanning methods as he well remembered from several experiments devised by Misao. Even her raven's wing hair was still waist length and soft as silk. He had to resist the sudden urge to reach out and touch it.

"I…I have Chinese if you're hungry."

Her voice quavered slightly.

"I'm not," he said softly. "What were you thinking, coming to pick me up while you're sick?"

"I didn't know I was sick. I thought it was butterflies."

"Well, let's get you to bed."

Kaoru grumbled under her breath and turned to go to her room, but the floor spun suddenly and violently. Her feet stumbled beneath her and she felt rushing air. Her eyes shut tight, bracing for impact, but it never came. She was cradled in warmth. Cracking one eye tentatively, she saw Kenshin. It took a moment to come to the conclusion that he'd caught her.

Kenshin lifted Kaoru into his arms and frowned at how easy it was to lift her. She hadn't been eating enough. His arms tightened slightly, protectively, around her. She hadn't been looking after herself and again, he felt the overwhelming need to blame himself for it.

"Kenshin?" He looked down at her, stopping just short of her bedroom door.

"I know you don't have a place to stay right now. Do you…want to stay here while you find a place?"

He smiled gently. Staying with Kaoru was probably not the best of ideas, considering that deep down inside he still wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but he didn't want to disturb her right now and make her sick again.

"That would be nice, Kaoru."

She smiled slightly and suddenly he was glad he'd said yes. She snuggled against him, bringing her arms up around his neck. He unconsciously dipped his head closer to hers and inhaled her scent, one he hadn't had the pleasure of smelling for three years. She smelled wonderfully of jasmine and cinnamon, something he'd nearly forgotten, though it was hidden under the stale scent of sickness.

Carefully, Kenshin opened Kaoru's bedroom door and carried her in. She was practically already asleep when he laid her on the bed. Briefly he contemplated her before carefully to remove her shoes. He found a blanket and tucked it around her, hands lingering against her to reassure himself that he wasn't dreaming. Almost against his will, he tucked her hair away from her face. She smiled at the gesture and turned towards his hand.

Unable to completely resist his most basic instincts, Kenshin sat on the edge of the bed and continued to smooth his hand across her hair. Kaoru's breathing fell into the slow even pattern of sleep. At long last, he felt the call of his own bed, in the guest room. Reluctantly he stood, eyes remaining on the face of the angel beside him.

Kenshin slowly lowered himself to brush a chaste kiss across her forehead. He walked out of the room on cat feet, turning before he closed the door, just to look at her one last time, he whispered, "I missed you, too."

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_A/N: Some notes. This story is based in the United States, not Japan. I do so because I'm more familiar with US government and politics than Japanese. While this is a reflection of my feelings towards current dealings in the Middle East, that is not the point of the story. I want to show the process of slowly easing the aches in Kenshin's heart as he deals with what he's done. This story is a romance and drama, not a debate. Please respect it as such. Also, as the most serious piece of writing I've ever done, chapters are guaranteed to be few and far between. Please forgive the long waits, but I want everything to be as perfect as I can get it. Thank you for reading and any and all reviews would be greatly appreciated._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore_


	3. Escaping the Dreamscape

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is _completelyfictional. _Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, _do not flame me for them._ Do no stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful._ _Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are.

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**Shards of Me**

Chapter II: Escaping the Dreamscape

Kaoru woke slowly the next morning. The light of the sun in her eyes was startlingly painful and the taste in her mouth was almost enough to make her run for the bathroom again. She groaned and placed an arm over her eyes. Skipping out on work suddenly sounded like a wonderful idea.

Kaoru nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard soft footsteps, just outside her bedroom door. She had forgotten Kenshin was now staying with her. She doubted she would have heard him at all, except for the fact that her hearing was vindictively sensitive beyond words. Even the sound of her own breathing drove hammers through her brain.

She had to get up in stages, first rising slowly to her elbows, then sitting fully, and then swinging one leg at a time over the edge of her bed. Her nose wrinkled distastefully as she realized that she'd fallen asleep in her clothes. She stood too quickly and the room spun around her like a wild top. _Definitely not working today, _she thought.

She shuffled to her closet and found a pair of pajama pants and an oversize T-shirt. She completed the ensemble with her fluffy, electric blue robe, a gift from Misao she was suddenly grateful for. The room seemed drafty and cold around her, even though she could feel sweat on her back. She contemplated slippers, but decided on socks instead. She could wear those back to bed.

At last, long past what seemed an acceptable time to get dressed, Kaoru stumbled out of her room, absently wondering if sunglasses might ease the light on her eyes. Kenshin sat at the kitchen table, the morning paper spread out before him. He looked up as she entered, a gentle smile on his face.

"I fixed you some oatmeal with milk." His voice was soft, as though he knew even the whisper was driving nails into her skull. "You're probably not hungry, but try and eat a little."

Kaoru sat at the table and stared uncomprehending at the bowl and spoon. He'd covered the bowl with a piece of waxed paper (_When did I get waxed paper?_) to keep it warm. She peeled the sheet back and had to stifle a groan. Kenshin certainly had not changed in some ways. He'd managed to make something as unappetizing as oatmeal look absolutely delicious. She probably would have made it explode. What was normally just brown mush, was…still brown mush, but a swirl of milk (_But that expired last week._) adorned with a sprinkling of cinnamon and a garnish of a strawberry (_I thought the strawberries had gone bad._) made it look positively inviting. But the thought of eating made her stomach violently turn over and mutter obscenities at her brain.

She pushed the bowl away shaking her head. Kenshin, who'd been watching her from under his bangs, immediately pushed it back towards her.

"Please try, Kaoru," he said almost in a whisper, "try just a little. For me?"

_He had to go and say that, _she thought rebelliously, even as she lifted the spoon. _How does he know that I'd do anything for him?_

Kenshin now watched her openly, waiting for any signals that the breakfast was not agreeing with her. She looked wonderful in the morning light, even though she obviously felt the antithesis of such. Her disheveled hair made his fingers itch at his side; their desire to smooth her hair out was something he would have to work on. Her cheeks were flushed with fever and there were dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep; however, it all made her seem more beautiful to Kenshin. It brought all his protective and possessive instincts right to the surface, where they battled his consciousness for control of his body. He was fairly sure Kaoru would be averse to his desire to carry her everywhere she needed to go in her modest apartment.

Kaoru took eight tiny bites of her oatmeal before pushing it away. She bit her lip for a moment before picking out the strawberry and taking tiny bites from it. Kenshin decided this would be an excellent time to distract himself from her lips, so he caught her eyes and said, "I hope you don't mind, but I called the school and told them you would were sick and would not be present today."

Kaoru forgot the strawberry in hand as she was caught between annoyance and thankfulness. She took a quick glance at the clock and decided to shove away annoyance and simply be thankful. She had slept very late. "Thanks," she whispered, her voice rough. He only nodded and stood to pick up her bowl. She studied him from under her eyelashes as he moved to throw the oatmeal away and quickly wash the dishes. He was still dressed in his sleep attire: black pajama pants and oversized gray T-shirt. His long hair was unbound and fell elegantly down his back in wave after fiery wave. She eyed that hair with envy; she would gladly inflict bodily pain to have the same hair.

He finished the dishes quickly enough and turned back, eyeing her condition critically. "You'll feel ten times better after a bath," he informed her softly, though his eyes clearly told her it was a command. She could not find the energy to argue. _I really am sick_, she thought to herself as she rose with a sigh.

Before locking herself in the bathroom, she turned back to him. "Sano said that he might drop by sometime today. Probably right before lunch, stupid freeloader. Just wanted to warn you."

He couldn't resist a chuckle as she disappeared and the bathroom door clicked shut. It was so good to be back home. However, the very thought of why he'd been away quickly pulled the smile from his face. He shook his head harshly; dwelling on it would only be painful, and not very productive. He searched his mind for a chore to do. He had some washing and he was sure Kaoru probably had some dirty clothes. Yes, laundry would be just the thing.

oOoOoOoOo

Just as Kaoru had warned, the bell rang at roughly 11:30, just as Kenshin was considering what he could make that wouldn't upset Kaoru's stomach. She'd retreated to bedroom directly after her bath. When he'd last peeked in on her, she was sleeping peacefully. He smiled wryly as the bell rang again.

Kenshin moved to the intercom and pressed the talk button. "Can I help you?"

"Damnit Jou-chan…wait a sec. You're not Jou-chan."

"No, Sanosuke Sagara, I'm not."

"Kenshin? Is that you?"

"And who else would it be?"

"Let me up, damnit!"

Kenshin grinned and pressed the button that would allow Sano into the building. Three seconds later, despite the fact that Kaoru's apartment was at the end of the second floor, Sano was at the door. Kenshin opened the door smiling, and so was completely off guard when Sano's fist connected with his face. From his position on the floor, Kenshin looked up with confusion.

"That was for leaving with no goodbye."

The tall man offered Kenshin a hand up, and then immediately punched him again. Kenshin sputtered with indignation and rose on his own power.

"And that," said Sano with a growl, "was for making Jou-chan miserable."

Kenshin's indignation melted into sadness and obvious guilt. Sano tromped past him into the kitchen.

"So," he said, settling in a chair, "what's for lunch?"

"Tomato soup," Kenshin said softly, battling between anger and depression. Anger backed away, somewhat satisfied, when Sano's face fell.

"That's it?"

"You should be glad you're getting anything."

Sano frowned at the terse sound of Kenshin's voice. The red-haired man's demeanor had never been so cold before.

"What's up, Kenshin?"

The shorter man winced. He'd forgotten how perceptive Sano could be when the ruffian put his mind to it. He began studying Sano from under his bangs, wondering exactly how much he could divulge to the younger man before he scared him away entirely.

"I'm fine, Sano," he finally mumbled.

"Bullshit you are, but I'll keep my mouth shut for now."

"You couldn't keep your Goddamned voice down could you, Sano?"

They both whirled at Kaoru's voice, somewhat rough and sounding a great deal like the rumble of a slumbering dragon ever so rudely awakened. She stood in the entrance to the kitchen, clutching the blanket she'd dragged along with her and rubbing her eyes. Sano immediately burst into laughter at the picture she made: something that resembled a five-year old child in a 22-year old woman's body.

She growled audibly before shuffling into the kitchen. Kenshin managed not to laugh with Sano, but he couldn't help smiling a little. He turned into the kitchen and began readying a can of Campbell's.

"So what chewed you up, spit you out, and dragged you back home by your tail, Jou-chan?"

Kaoru mumbled something that distinctly sounded like "I'll drag you, you goddamned rooster" but refused to answer him.

"Kaoru is sick," Kenshin said simply. He could still see the shine in her eyes that indicated fever, though she seemed to be feeling better.

"Oh? That sucks. I wanted to take you guys out tonight to celebrate."

"Celebrate what?" Kaoru grumbled, pulling her blanket around her shoulders.

"Kenshin's return, of course."

Kaoru only growled and pulled her knees to her chest. Kenshin rather thought she was acting like a bear just out of hibernation, but found that he couldn't blame her.

"Ah well," said Sano, leaning back dangerously in his chair. "Since we have to wait a couple of days, that means that kitsune and weasel and Aoshi will probably be back by the time we get to go out."

Kenshin finished warming the soup and divided it equally into three bowls. He found oregano in Kaoru's spice rack. The bottle had never been opened and was roughly two years old. He grimaced before opening it and sprinkling some into each bowl. He set the soup out on the table, where Sano quickly tucked in and Kaoru sipped hesitatingly.

"Are you up for toast, Kaoru? Or do you think that that will be too much?"

She seemed to consider for a moment before saying, "I'd better just stick to this."

Kenshin nodded in understanding and sat down to join them. The moment Sano finished his soup, he left. "Would've liked to talk with you more, Kenshin, but I got stuff to do."

"The hell you do," Kaoru called after him. "You just don't want to do any chores to pay off the meal."

Kenshin did the dishes quickly, Kaoru watching him from her chair at the table. When he'd finished, she said quietly, "Do you want to watch a movie?"

He'd nodded and offered her a hand up. She took it and leaned against him as they walked into the living room. Kaoru sat on the couch as Kenshin drew the blinds and started up the TV and DVD player. "What would you like to watch?"

"Have you seen any of the _Lord of the Rings_ movies?" Kenshin shook his head. "Then let's watch _Fellowship of the Ring_. I've even got the extended version."

He found the DVD with little difficulty and wondered what he was getting himself into when he saw that it was two discs long. He popped the movie in and sat next to Kaoru on the couch. Unthinking, she leaned into him until the only way for them both to get comfortable was for him to put his arm around her. She snuggled into the hollow his body made and took in the warmth he exuded. His arm tightened reflexively as he felt her pull closer. Again, thoughts of kissing her floated to the surface, but he knew she was still sick. Shaking his head, he concentrated on the movie and watched as the Last Alliance made a desperate attempt to overthrow Sauron.

"Kenshin?"

"Mm?"

"Are you glad to be home?"

He looked down at her and found she had fixed him with eyes that were almost fearful. He wanted nothing more than to make that fear dissipate. Unable to do anything else, he leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

"I'm very glad, Kaoru."

They watched the rest of the movie in silence.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin's eyes opened hesitantly and widened when he found himself surrounded by desert. The last thing he remembered was Aragorn beheading the Uruk-hai. Kaoru had fallen asleep shortly after the Fellowship left Rivendell. _I'm dreaming,_ he thought fuzzily. Unsure what to do, he began moving forward.

He was dressed for undercover work, white robes wrapped around his body and hiding everything but his eyes. His swords were a comforting and hidden weight at his hip. There was a hut ahead of him. He slowed, and knew in a moment that he recognized the hut. He did not want to go there. He needed to get away.

Kenshin tried to make himself turn away but found he could not. He no longer had control of his body, was now merely an observer. He could not even close his eyes as he opened the door, found the man who was his target. Blood sprayed into the air and the memory pushed forward determinedly. His sword moved almost faster than his eyes could follow, cleaving through flesh and bone as easily as if they were paper. The man fell in two strokes, both scored across his stomach. Kenshin turned his back on the man, intent on finishing this latest assignment in hell. That had been his mistake.

Though gravely wounded, the man drew a scimitar and rose, nearly silent save for his labored breathing. Kenshin sensed the intent to kill only just in time, turning and blocking the sword with automatic reflexes as his mind screamed. Too close. Far too close. The other man's blade skimmed across his cheek, cutting from cheekbone to chin in a precise line. Two more thrusts and the man was nearly finished. Kenshin raised his sword for the final blow and struck as a scream echoed through the small hut. The voice was not a man's.

Burning amber eyes widened in horror as his blade made the kill, carving through the woman who'd thrown herself in front of the man and killing the man as well. His sword fell from numb fingers as blood spread across the floor, washing over his shoes and the edges of his robes, dying them an accusatory crimson. _His wife,_ his mind murmured bleakly, _he had a wife._

With unfeeling limbs, Kenshin knelt next to the woman, his blood-covered fingers skimming over her cheek as tears slowly began to roll down his face. _What have I become?_ his broken mind whispered. _What have I become?_

As he moved to cradle the woman's dying body, her face slowly changed, became whiter. The hair that had been tied under a veil tumbled loose in long black waves he knew all too well. Her eyes flickered open as one of his tears landed on her cheek. Blue eyes. A face he knew…a woman he loved.

The woman coughed, blood spilling from her mouth onto his sleeve. His hand shook as he brushed her hair out of her face. Accusing blue eyes met his. A shaking arm rose and he saw the glint of metal too late. The blade scored across his cheek, crossing over the mark her husband had managed to land. Once the mark was made, she dropped the knife from her weakening fingers. She tried to say something, but could not. Her eyes glazed and her last breath fled her body like a single bird, ascending away from this cursed place.

"Kaoru…" he whispered, tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru had woken as Kenshin began thrashing next to her. The TV showed the screensaver of the DVD player. It occurred to her that they had both fallen asleep as she turned towards the whimpering man beside her. His eyes were still closed, though they flickered beneath the lids. He was obviously having nightmares.

Kaoru gently touched the side of his face, drawing her fingers over the bright scar on his cheek. He jerked at her touch, but remained sleeping. She shifted onto her knees so she could face him more fully. Almost fearfully, she took his face in her hands and began calling to him. "Kenshin. Kenshin. You need to wake up."

She had not really expected him to wake, and was quite surprised when his eyes snapped open. In the dim light of the living room, they burned through the darkness. She could see the amber then, more clearly than she'd ever seen it before. The bright color hugged his pupils like miniature suns.

"Kaoru?" he whispered, hand going to her cheek as his eyes sought her out. His touch wavered against her skin as though he feared she would disappear from under his very nose. She nodded gently to reassure him.

"It's OK, Kenshin. It was just a dream."

He seemed uncomprehending, running his fingers over her cheekbone again and again. Quite suddenly, his arms slid around her waist and he pulled her tightly against him. Kaoru gasped at the suddenness, wondering what exactly he'd dreamed to make him act like this. Slowly, realizing he wouldn't be letting go for a while, she slid her arms around his neck and whispered comforting words in his ear.

His breathing was shuddering and painful. He turned his face in towards her, burrowing into the hollow between her jaw bone and shoulder. The first feeling she registered was the press of his lips against her pulse, but then she felt hot moisture on his cheek. He was crying. Her whispers became more insistent as he quietly sobbed. One of her hands started stroking through his hair, seeking to offer comfort in any way she could think of.

Neither Kenshin nor Kaoru had any idea how long they stayed there, with her in his lap offering kindness he felt he didn't deserve and he clinging to her and letting some of the pain in his soul show through. Finally, his sobs abated and his breath evened out. He did not want to relinquish his hold on her, but he knew that her legs had to be cramping painfully by now. Gently, he pushed her away.

When her cobalt eyes met his, she nearly took his breath away. Her eyes, which he could vividly remember as being alive and joyous, even during her hard times, were dull with sadness. Alongside the sadness though, there shone compassion, such compassion for the likes of him. His hands on her shoulders trembled as he fought the need to pull her back to him and assure himself that she was real, was here with him.

"Kenshin?"

"I…" He found he could not dredge up anything to say to her that would not make him lose the tiny bit of control he'd managed to regain.

She smiled gently at him, though the emotion did not reach her eyes. Her fingers traced his cheekbones and jaw line with feather soft touches. "I understand, Kenshin," she whispered. "You'll tell me when you're ready."

He could not take it anymore. All the pain, all the love, every tiny shard of his soul that he'd tried to tuck away and hide from her spilled out in a single instant. He pulled her back to him with nearly crushing force, kissing her for all he was worth. He told her everything into that kiss. All the sorrow, guilt, and hopelessness he felt was pushed upon Kaoru in the insistent press of his lips against hers. For her part, she melded to him, taking what he gave her despite the fact that it was rough and hungry and needy. She understood that need just as much as he did, and so acquiesced.

When he sensed she could not longer breathe, he pulled back an inch so that he could study her eyes and press his forehead to hers. She was still giving him that same look of compassion and sorrow and it nearly undid him.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru."

She blinked for a moment, trying to overcome her mangled thoughts to reply to him. After a moment, words came. "Don't you dare be sorry," she whispered hoarsely.

Kenshin blinked for a moment, trying to process what she had just said. He opened his mouth to say something, but she pressed her fingers to his lips, immediately quieting him. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all. I…I needed that too."

Kenshin had to blink several more times before he understood the full meaning of her words. By the time he had, she had turned the color of a ripe tomato. A blush also rose on his cheeks. Kaoru slowly moved her fingers from his lips as she saw his comprehension.

"You're not angry?"

She nearly snorted, but managed to restrain herself. "No, Kenshin. I'm really not."

Kenshin's eyes dropped beneath the curtain of his bangs, and Kaoru leaned forward, trying to understand the unspoken heaviness between them. So much had happened, but through all her pain she still loved him and wanted to see a smile finally reach his eyes. "Kenshin?" she ventured softly.

She did not expect him to kiss her again. Her eyes widened with surprise as she caught that vivid gold again. This time, his lips lingered, moving over hers at a leisurely pace that stated he felt he had all the time in the world. When his tongue tapped against her lips asking for entrance, she couldn't help but comply. Gently, they explored each other, each unsure of the other's feelings.

Kaoru was very afraid that she was still ill and this was a fever-induced dream. And if it was not a dream, what was it? She would give almost anything to know what he had dreamed so she could better understand this completely unfamiliar action from him. At the same time, she couldn't help but wonder if he was acting in the heat of the moment and she just happened to be the convenient female in arm's reach.

Kenshin was slowly coming to terms with his thoughts. His instinctual urges were gradually being quelled as the softer kiss allowed him room to think. _This is a mistake. I shouldn't…she deserves so much more. God, I'm an idiot. I can't do this to her._

Oh so gently, he pulled away from her, nibbling her bottom lip delicately before completely relinquishing her mouth. Her face was flushed, whether with fever or need he didn't know and he didn't want to find the answer out the hard way. He worked to control his breathing as her eyes fluttered open.

With utter care, he took her waist and shifted her away from his body. He stood without a word and started down the hallway, his ethereal grace more evident now that his defenses were down.

"Kenshin?" Her voice was soft and breathy as she tried to understand what had just happened. He halted in response to her voice, casting a quick glance over his shoulder. His golden eyes seemed to glow in the half-light of the evening.

"Good night, Kaoru." His voice had become rough and low, sending a shiver down her spine. He left her there on the couch, looking utterly enticing. Another moment of being in her presence might have broken the precious thread of control he still held. Once that had snapped, he could not guarantee his actions.

* * *

_A/N: _Lord of the Rings _also does not belong to me. I know already told everyone that this story is based in the US, however the use of Sano's nickname for Kaoru, "Jou-chan," seems far more natural to me than "Little Missy" as the dub puts it. I'm not from the South so it sounds odd to me. Thus I elected to keep the Japanese nickname. Other notes. I know this chapter was incredibly short, but that was just the best place to end it. The next sequence of events would have seemed odd when paired with this. However, the good news is that the next chapter should be out in less than a week. It's nearly finished. This chapter was put through major rewrite as is and I'm still not quite comfortable with the feel of it. Thank you for reading. Commentary would be greatly appreciated._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore_


	4. The Carousel from Hell

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is _completelyfictional. _Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, _do not flame me for them._ Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful._ _Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are.

* * *

_

**Shards of Me**

Chapter III: The Carousel from Hell

Kaoru woke late in the morning with the taste of sickness thick on her tongue. She groaned and threw her arm over her eyes, even though she knew without a doubt she would not be able to go back to sleep. After several minutes of denial, she rose from her bed and noted that she felt a great deal better, despite the fact that she hadn't gotten much sleep last night. After Kenshin had retreated to his room, she had stared blankly at the TV for several minutes before popping in a tear-jerker. It gave her an excuse to cry so, if Kenshin should miraculously reemerge, she wouldn't have to tell him why there were tears spilling down her face.

Once the movie was finished, she turned on late night programming, allowing the stupid humor of Letterman to wash away some of her pain. But through it all, all she could think of was him. What had she done wrong? Why had he backed away? Had he been disgusted? Or did he simply think she had moved to fast? After all, hadn't he been the one to kiss her in the first place? She'd finally gone to bed around one and let thoughts of red silk and soft amethysts carry her to sleep.

Now, she was loathe to emerge from her room, because if she did, she'd have to face him. She didn't want to face him, but nature was now calling. She glanced at her bedside clock and saw it was past breakfast time, but not yet lunch. Thank goodness it was Saturday, or sleeping in would have given her a nervous breakdown in a nanosecond. With a sigh, she rose and gathered a change of clothing. Listening outside her door, she detected no hint of sound, but that didn't mean he wasn't there. With stalwart resolution, she yanked open her door and rushed across the hallway into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Quickly, she brushed her teeth to remove the disgusting taste of old bile. With the heaviness gone from her breath, she moved on to a shower. The hot steam did wonders for her tense muscles, but absolutely nothing for her muddled mind. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself, throwing her hair up into a ponytail rather then deal with the tangles she knew she'd have. Quietly and completely unprepared to face the man on the other side of the door, she left the bathroom and stepped out into the kitchen.

Of course, he sat at the table waiting for her. He looked up from the morning paper as she entered and smiled gently, though guardedly. Kaoru could not even muster the courage to smile back. "Good morning," he said softly. She could not answer past her tight throat. His smile fell away.

He stood quietly and moved to grab a plate covered by a napkin to help keep it warm. He set the plate before her and she saw it was fresh pancakes. At the sight of them, she realized how very hungry she was. Without a second thought, she dug in.

Kenshin watched her with hooded eyes as he took his seat again. After a moment, he said, "You must be feeling better."

She nodded and swallowed the bite of pancakes currently in her mouth. "Thank you for cooking." His eyes became less guarded when she fave a small, fleeting smile, and he cautiously returned the action. He might have said something more, but just then the phone rang.

Kaoru seemed engrossed in her pancakes, so he reached for the cordless and pressed "talk." "Hello."

"Hey Kenshin." Sano's voice came over the line so loudly even Kaoru could here it. "Kitsune is home and Aoshi and the weasel get back today. I was hoping Kaoru was feeling better so we could all go out together, like old times."

Kenshin looked at Kaoru, silently questioning. She nodded, suddenly eager to see the friends who had been absent for so long back together. Kenshin turned back to the receiver. "Kaoru says she's up to it, Sano."

"Great! It's at the usual hangout. Kaoru knows the way if you don't. We'll meet you there at about 9:00 tonight or so."

"Alright, Sano. See you then." Kenshin hung up decisively before Sano could start rambling. He looked back at Kaoru.

"You're sure you're up to this, right?"

Kaoru glanced up from her last bite of pancakes. "Just so long as I don't have anything to drink, I'll be fine. I really would like to see everyone."

He nodded, understanding. "So," he said after a moment, "what would you like to do today?"

oOoOoOoOo

As Kenshin stepped out of the shower, he couldn't seem to turn his mind from the person he currently didn't want to think about. His mind kept turning back to the kiss, reliving again and again, each time with different emotions attached. None of them were aiding him in calming himself.

There was obviously desire. Kaoru was a beautiful woman, though she often sold herself short. Everything about her was absolutely perfect in his eyes and his body happily agreed with such thoughts.

Another replay brought forth regret. Not just for kissing her, but for leaving in the first place three years ago. For the first time, he questioned whether or not joining the war effort had been a mistake. If he hadn't, by this time he and Kaoru might have… But thinking of what might have been was an activity that was rather useless so he shoved those thoughts away.

Next he felt surprise. Surprise that she'd comforted him. Surprise that she might be as equally broken as himself. Surprise that she'd kissed him back. Most of all surprise that she had said she needed him…or needed to be kissed. His mind could not clearly recall exactly the emotion or inflection of her voice in that moment, just the heat of her eyes.

Most of all, he felt a deep-seeded self-loathing that seemed to grow and latch onto him more with each passing thought. So many of his thoughts rotated around the words "I should have…" Should have what? Dragged her back to one of the bedrooms and shown her the extent of what he was feeling? Not kissed her in the first place? Not come to stay with her? Not left her? Told her he loved her before he left?

_God,_ his mind murmured as he grit his teeth and leaned his forehead against the mirror, resisting the urge to punch the glass and shatter the reflection of the creature he saw within. _I…I just fucked up everything._

With angry movements, he dried himself off and yanked on his clothing for the day. He needed time to cool down and reflect more. These thoughts were just making him go in circles. He disliked the feeling intensely.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin surreptitiously watched Kaoru as she browsed shelf after shelf of used books. He could immediately see why she loved this store. The smell of old paper and good coffee wafted through the air like a siren's song, slowly calling in those who knew what the scents would mean. She glanced at him and he quickly pretended to be studying his chai latte.

Still his brain replayed the events of last night. He now reflected on exactly why he'd kissed her in the first place. The dream had been so vivid and real. He could have sworn it was Kaoru's bleeding and lifeless body he'd held in his hands. When he'd seen her alive and at least moderately well, he couldn't help but kiss her, if only to reassure himself that she was not another apparition of his mind. There had been many times during his time overseas when such visions had woken him from sleep as he blindly reached for her.

After analyzing the situation as much as his mind could take, he now understood what his greatest mistake had been.

_I shouldn't have kissed her again,_ he berated himself for what seemed the millionth time. She'd understood the first kiss. She had made sure he knew that. But his second kiss had been completely formed of repressed desire. Everything about her had called to him and he had answered despite every warning that had ever crossed his mind about involving himself with Kaoru. It had been the hardest thing he'd ever done to pull away from her yielding body. But in his heart, he'd known it was wrong of him. They'd been friends for such a long time. He was stained and unworthy of her. Taking her now would be like robbing a defenseless blind man.

"_I needed that too."_

Her words echoed through his mind again and again, a single phrase he couldn't seem to shake from his head. He wanted to dismiss them as something she'd said in the heat of the moment, but a single dark part of his heart had latched on to them like a lifeline. He could not help but feel that this was the single chance in a million he'd been praying for. But no, he knew better than to grab at impossible dreams. The world had taught him long ago that life was never so kind.

With forced cheerfulness, he stood and shook the thoughts from his mind. They could be considered later when he could concentrate and was far away from Kaoru and not so likely to wrap his arms around her. "Are you done looking?" he asked softly as he studied the book she held.

"I think so. Have you ever read this?" she said as she turned the book slightly so he could see the title.

"_Paradise Lost_? I think I had to read an excerpt for an English assignment once, but I don't remember. Poetry really isn't my cup of tea."

"It's not mine either, but a friend recommended this."

Kenshin took the book from her and idly flipped through the pages. The verse was of an older style and seemed to delve into the realm of fantasy. "It looks like it might be interesting," he said, choosing a neutral sentence that allowed him to avoid telling her he thought it wasn't for her. She seemed to sense his thoughts anyway.

"Maybe another day," she sighed softly. "I still haven't paid the rent this month."

He frowned. No one had mentioned Kaoru was having money problems. And now he was living off her kindness. Kenshin made a mental note to get a job as soon as possible so he could help her out.

"What time is it?" she asked, cutting him from his thoughts.

He glanced at his watch. "About a quarter to six. Are you ready to go eat supper?"

"Yeah. The hangout doesn't serve the greatest food. It's more of a place where people go to dance, drink, and meet other people who dance and drink."

"Sounds like Sano's kind of place."

"Katsu has partial ownership."

"Ah, I see. That means free drinks for Sano, right?"

"Exactly."

"I'm starting to understand. Do you have a particular food craving, or do you just want to go home?"

"Let's just go home. I…home would just be nice."

He nodded and gently slung his arm around her shoulder, keeping the motion friendly rather than intimate. His eyes were trained forward so he missed her look of disappointment.

oOoOoOoOo

For supper, they shared cheap, fast food that had been bought on the way home. Kaoru could not help studying him as they each ate in silence at her small and slightly worn kitchen table. The florescent light over the sink flickered insistently, making something about the entire situation seem…unreal.

The silence was killing her, slowly but surely. At the very least it was driving her mad. Never, ever in all her memories of Kenshin, had she had an uncomfortable silence with him. Yet the very air of her kitchen made her flinch as the nothingness stretched between them.

She wanted to say something, anything, to break it, yet nothing that wouldn't bring about even more discomfort came to mind. She wanted to ask him if he was OK, which seemed like a ridiculous question even in her mind. He was obviously not OK. He hadn't been OK since he'd come home. Probably long before them, if the stifling mask over his eyes was any indication.

She wanted to ask him about what had happened to him overseas to make him like this. To this question, she already knew she would get no straight answer. If he'd wanted to tell her about it, he would've done so already. That was the way they'd always been with each other before. Of course, now was not before.

Most of all she wanted to ask him what he'd dreamed last night. Every moment of last night seemed impossibly caught in her brain. She ran through it again and again rather, she thought sardonically, like a hamster in its wheel. She seemed to be going somewhere, but in the end she never moved.

What the hell was she supposed to think? She'd never, _never_ had a man kiss her like that before. He'd kissed her like every thought and feeling he wanted her to know had to be conveyed in a single and all-encompassing gesture. And then he'd kissed her almost like he was a teenager all over again, testingly and not without a little reservation. And then he'd just walked away without a word.

Not only did that action confuse her. It infuriated her. How dare he start something and not finish it? Not explain himself? Not kiss her again? Not do _something? _It was enough to make her want to punch his lights out. Repeatedly.

She could feel his eyes on her now, as her thoughts made another cycle in their imaginary hamster wheel. She nearly giggled at the sudden image in her mind and was immediately upset and infuriated all at once. At him, at herself, at everything that stood between them, at nothing at all.

With angry movements, she crumpled the wrapper from her chicken sandwich and threw it in the general direction of the trash can before swiping one of his fries, as though the petty action would suddenly cure all the aches on the inside.

He raised an eyebrow at her before retaliating and taking one of her onion rings. She glared at him as he ate the ring, grinning lopsidedly and licking off the grease the ring had left on his finger. Kaoru gave into her sudden and unreasonably violent urges and almost before thinking, she'd stuck a finger in his ketchup and smeared it on his face.

He stared at her wide eyed and open mouthed, ketchup streaked across his unmarred cheek before suddenly laughing very softly. "I suppose I deserved that," he murmured, reaching for a napkin to wipe away the sauce. Kaoru stared in turn before suddenly joining him in his laughter.

It was all so ridiculous. It had taken greasy fried food and bright red sauce to break the deafening silence between them. It had taken childish actions to get past the problems that had been brought on by adulthood and prideful decisions and a self-belief in being infinitely wise and a million other things that had descended around them to take away the brief happiness they'd once had between each other.

Her laughter caused Kenshin to smile wider, though if he could've read her mind his expression might have been something a great deal more serious. Quickly, he cleaned up the last of the fast food remnants and threw them in the garbage. With a glance at the clock, he motioned towards the door. "We should probably head out," he told her, smile still tilting his lips up but not reaching his eyes. They never seemed to reach his eyes now.

She nodded, setting aside her amusement as easily as it had come. Something about tonight, something was very wrong already. But then again, nothing had been right for nearly three years.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin and Kaoru arrived at the club where their friends gathered just a little after nine. The partying crowd hadn't filled in yet and Kenshin was given a chance to study the place. From the outside, the club hadn't looked like much. Its small dark front made it seem dingy and dank. Inside, though, the atmosphere was intimate and half-lit. The place had an air of grandness hidden under its dark exterior, even though it seemed no different than any other dance club he'd ever been in.

Kenshin could immediately see why his friends gathered at this place, "The Forgotten Artist." The atmosphere was just right for such unusual people. As he and Kaoru stepped in, a few other early arrivers turned and watched in interest before returning to their own conversations. Past the dance floor, Kenshin immediately spotted two tall men, both leaning against the bar. He knew those men very well and began to lead Kaoru towards them, skirting the floor rather than walking straight across.

Sano spotted them as they got closer and raised a glass of liquor in jesting toast. The rooster stood more than six feet tall and had his arm casually draped around the woman next to him. Kenshin recognized Takani Megumi. Part of him silently rejoiced as he realized that Sano and Megumi might have finally gotten together. If they had, that might stop some of the tumultuous flirting Megumi had thrown at him before he'd left. He had never really appreciated the attention, especially since it caused animosity between Kaoru and Megumi that the term "cat fight" didn't even begin to cover.

Next to Sano stood Aoshi Shinomori. Though Aoshi was tall, he didn't quite manage to breach Sano's height. His blue eyes were still as icy as Kenshin remembered, though he saw a flicker of warmth in them as Aoshi glanced down at the woman clinging to his arm. Makimachi Misao, Kaoru's best friend and Aoshi's long-standing lover, was the last person anyone had expected the cold man to fall for. She was short and childish and…bubbly was the best word Kenshin could think of. The girl's mouth moved at a million miles an hour and it was a wonder anyone could understand her.

Kenshin could feel a slow, small smile playing across his lips. It was good to seem them again, even though he was silently dreading their meeting. Kaoru had been the only one he'd written to. He'd never even said goodbye to the others. What would they think of him now?

Misao was the next to spot Kenshin and Kaoru. She immediately unlatched herself from Aoshi's side and ran to them. "Kaoru! It's good to see you. I missed you while we were in the Himalayas. There were some fantastic animals you would have loved. Kenshin! I missed you so much, even if you were a complete asshole to leave us like that. Without you, Aoshi's been complaining about lack of stimulating conversation. Can you imagine? He doesn't find my conversational skills stimulating."

All this was said in what seemed to be a single breath as Misao tightly hugged both Kaoru and Kenshin with the force of a small hurricane. She only stopped speaking when Aoshi appeared behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back against him. The girl sighed in joy and Kenshin relished the brief reprieve from her chatter.

"Himura," Aoshi said calmly as he met the red-head's eyes. Aoshi's reaction had been the one Kenshin feared the most. The man was a powerful lawyer who'd been called to the Supreme Court on more than one occasion. His disapproval of the war had been cited in magazines across the country.

"Aoshi," Kenshin said warily. "It's good to see you."

The man seemed frozen for a moment, his ice blue eyes calculating before his lips tipped ever so slightly upward, the barest hint of a smile. "You as well, Himura." Kenshin sensed the warning in his words as well as the kindness. He and Aoshi would have a long conversation later, but for now they were friends enjoying an evening out.

"Come on, guys," Misao said, her brief silence from Aoshi's influence already wearing away. "Let's get you some drinks."

"Actually," Kaoru said, "I've been sick. I'm not going to risk alcohol tonight, Misao."

"Ok then. Himura, you at least need to get some liquor in you. Surely you can't have had much overseas."

"You'd be surprised," Kenshin muttered quietly as he remembered all the times he turned to a bottle of alcohol to try and drown out memories of blood and death. It never had worked and all drink reminded him of now was the coppery scent of fresh blood. "Actually, Misao," he said more loudly, "I'll be driving so I'll just stick to non-alcoholic, too."

Misao pouted before saying, "You guys are no fun. Come on, Aoshi. Let's go dance."

Kenshin stared in wonder. He'd forgotten how she could jump from subject to subject without even a slight pause. Sometimes he wondered how in the world her brain managed to keep up with her mouth.

Kaoru pulled Kenshin to Sano and Megumi as he pondered the capabilities of Misao's mouth versus her brain. Sano clapped Kenshin on the back as soon as the small man was in range and the redhead found himself stumbling forward, caught off-guard.

"Damn, Kenshin," Sano said, speaking louder than necessary, even though there was hardly any noise to overcome, "time was you would'a twisted my hand up behind my back for doing that. You getting soft or something?"

Kenshin glared at Sano and said softly, "I was distracted. Would you care to try again?"

The threat in Kenshin's eyes was clear. He was out to have fun tonight, but he would only tolerate so much teasing. Kaoru saw the subtle flash of gold in his eyes and tried to distract him. "Kenshin," she said carefully, "maybe Megumi can help you find a job at the hospital. Not as a doctor, certainly, but they're always looking for security."

Kenshin blanched. The idea of working in any sort of job where violence might occur was absolutely repugnant to him. "Actually, Kaoru," he said, trying to hide his disgust at the thought, "I was thinking of trying to find job as a carpenter in construction or something similar."

"But Kenshin," Megumi jumped in, her voice a low purr, "surely you are more suited to a job that stimulates your mind as well. You majored in philosophy. Surely there's work in that field for you."

"I may've majored in it Megumi, but all of that information has leaked out of my head. I'm not sure if I could even give you one quote of philosophical merit anymore."

"Still Kenshin, you deserve a better job than menial labor. Maybe I can find something for you in the hospice wing. The old people always love to discuss the politics of the world. It's not exactly philosophy, but still…" she trailed off.

Kenshin did not want to share with her the real reason why he veered away from his old major. Discussing the rights and wrongs of the world with people was hardly an activity he enjoyed anymore. Who was he, one who had committed so many atrocities, to tell people how they should think? His intention to go into manual labor had a reason all its own. Creating things that would shelter people and protect them was a simple pleasure. It required single-mindedness that left little room for other, more disturbing thoughts. It was exactly what Kenshin wanted.

"Come on Megumi," Sano jumped in, saving the redhead from further prodding, "let's dance. Kenshin doesn't have to decide his future right this minute after all."

"Why not?" Megumi murmured. "It's not like he didn't the last time."

She hadn't meant for Kenshin to hear that part, but he did and winced. His friends were angry with him. They were just doing a fairly good job at hiding it. He was also hurt by the fact that Megumi thought his decision was spur of the moment. He'd thought long and hard about what joining the military would mean. Quietly, he shook his dark thoughts from his head.

He and Kaoru were left alone at the bar while their friends moved off into the crowd, swaying to the beat of the low music. Kaoru sat down on a stool and Kenshin followed suit. They sat in silence as the bartender brought them both water, Kaoru also ordering a non-alcoholic margarita to appease the man behind the counter, who glared angrily when no tip was immediately forthcoming.

Kenshin nearly enjoyed the silence between them as they both turned towards the dance floor to watch their friends. In this atmosphere he could almost pretend that this was a night like so many others from a few years ago. He was simply a man out enjoying an evening with friends and someone who was more than a friend, though by no means a lover. He almost fooled himself. Almost.

When some time had passed Kaoru turned to him and softly asked, "Would you like to dance, Kenshin?"

She was looking down and a faint blush stained her cheeks. He could hear nervousness in her voice and sense it in her body as well. A tinge of fear spread across her aura as he remained quiet. How could he possibly say no when she looked so vulnerable?

Easily, he stood and placed a hand on her shoulder, coaxing her to stand before leading her out onto the now crowded floor. Kaoru seemed to understand that her invitation had been accepted and, hesitantly, wrapped her arms around his neck. Kenshin returned her embrace, his arms sliding around her waist and pulling her as close as he dared. Part of him feared getting too close because he did not know if he would be able to stop himself from kissing her if her body was flush to his.

They began swaying slightly to the beat of a slow song. Kenshin carefully lost himself in the music, allowing the beat to become the thrum of his heart, the words the thoughts in his head. The fantasy he'd created for himself, of being a younger and more carefree self seemed to take hold with startling clarity. They were just two friends quietly enjoying themselves. There was no bitterness here, no bloodshed, no regrets. He took a small liberty and leaned forward to press his nose to Kaoru's hair. The scent of jasmine soothed him and his arms tightened around Kaoru almost unconsciously.

Kaoru felt his arms tighten and smiled slightly, pressing her face to the crook of his neck. It had been too long since she'd last felt him like this, losing himself in the simplicity of dancing. Feeling a little daring, she pressed herself fully against him and felt his arms tighten again, locking her in the new position. She smiled slightly as the DJ took up another song, one she knew very well. Softly, she began singing the words, her breath sliding past Kenshin's ear.

The feel of her warm breath hovering over his skin raised the hairs on the back of Kenshin's neck. Part of his mind was telling him, _This is too close. You need to back off._ However, he'd grown a sudden deafness to it. Her could feel her voice vibrating through her small body and began to hum the melody with her though he did not know the words.

Kaoru became lost in the moment. Carefully, she pulled back to see his face. His eyes were glowing slightly in the darkness. She could see hints of amber hugging the pupils and sparking in the depths of the violet. His gaze caught and held her, drawing her downward until she was drowning in the raw emotion he was showing.

"Kaoru," he said huskily, trying desperately to force out the words he knew he should be saying. "_We shouldn't be doing this,"_ his mind screamed. However, his tongue seemed to have frozen on her name. Kaoru's cerulean eyes were searching his trying to find something. Kenshin watched frozen as she leaned forward, eyes still locked with his. The near touch of her lips to his had an immediate effect, unfreezing him as easily as fire melted ice. He leaned in to her but froze just on the brink, suddenly unsure.

He hovered in indecision as instinct warred with reason. One side of him screamed desperately. She was obviously willing and he knew his own thoughts well on the subject. Wanting her was an accepted feeling. _Why not just act on it and sooth the fire on both sides, rather than stoking it higher by pulling away?_

The other side though, was frozen with firm resolution. Just last night the situation had been so similar, yet at the same time so different. Hadn't he already made up his decision on the subject? He would not force her to live with a man like him. He would not burden her with the sins he'd committed since leaving her side. _The decision had already been made. There is no choice here._

The abrupt end of the slow song and the DJ's introduction of some atrocious hip-hop beat swiftly brought Kenshin back to himself. He pulled away from Kaoru's lips as though he'd been burned, though his hands remained in their respective spots on the small of her back. Kaoru's eyes widened slightly and before giving him a half-lidded look that almost had him forgetting his inhibitions.

"Kenshin," she whispered, trying to rise up on her toes to finish what she'd started. He held her in place and carefully stepped away, deliberately putting distance between them. The hurt in her eyes tore at him, but he thought what he was doing was for the best.

"Kaoru," he said softly. "We can't do this."

Kaoru gulped heavily, trying to fight the tears she knew were rising in her eyes. She would not be angry with him. Her feelings were probably one-sided. She should be less selfish; he'd just gotten back from a war, after all. Kaoru told herself every excuse she could think of for him but none would drive away the sensation of her heart shattering. Abruptly she turned and rushed off the dance floor, her steps clipped and cold.

Kenshin rushed after her. He saw Sano rushing to intercept him from his left, but one glare stopped the rooster full in his tracks. Kenshin followed Kaoru into the cool night air and his eyes searched for her, finding her leaning against her car, facing away from him. He approached slowly and cautiously, as though she was a wild animal.

"Kaoru," he whispered, knowing full well that she could hear him. Her hands brushed over her face, indicating the tears she had shed and was now hiding. She turned to him, face icy, eyes cold.

"Let's go home," she told him, voice completely free of inflection. He nodded, wondering how he could possibly make up for this. The drive home was filled with strained silence and chill anger.

* * *

_A/N: Half of this chapter was written impromptu before posting so please forgive any grammatical errors you may stumble across while reading. I tried my best to catch them all. No other major notes. Next update time is completely up for grabs. I've started marching band camp for the fall season so my days are suddenly not my own. The update will come when it comes, but probably shouldn't be more than a month. Big huge honking thanks to everyone who reviewed. I love you people. Thanks for taking the time to read and please note that all reviews are greatly appreciated._

_"Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	5. First Interlude: Glimmerings of Honor

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is _completelyfictional. _Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, _do not flame me for them._ Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful._ _Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are._

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**Shards of Me**

First Interlude: Glimmerings of Honor

Kaoru was thrilled, ecstatic, jubilant, elated, and every other adjective for excited she could think of. Her body fairly vibrated with her joyous energy. After years of needling and arguing and crying, she'd finally convinced her father to allow her to continue her kendo training at a professional dojo. He'd been so reluctant to let her go beyond what he'd been willing to teach her, but her desire and passion were evident and he wouldn't deny her anything she truly loved.

Stopping the car outside of the dojo he'd chosen, he let her out and waited for her to come around to the driver's side. "Listen well to your sensei. He's a good friend of mine from way back. Don't pick any fights, but don't let anyone bring you down either. If someone tries to hurt you, defend yourself. Have pride and work hard. Make me proud to have taught you."

Kaoru nodded sagely, her eyes suddenly very old in her ten-year old face. "Thank you, papa. For everything."

He smiled gently and ruffled her hair before sending her off to her first class. He watched until she disappeared inside before slowly driving away and resolutely ignoring the wetness at the corner of his eye.

Inside, Kaoru stared with open wonder at the dojo. She'd never been in a place with traditional Japanese architecture before and everything fascinated her. Quietly, she made her way down the hallway, dropping her shoes off in the large set of compartments already filled with several other pairs of sneakers. Far away, she could hear the sound of people shouting with effort. She followed their voices and came to the main dojo, its polished wooden floors gleaming brightly under florescent lights.

The room was filled with boys of varying heights and ages, all of them wielding shinai with several levels of expertise represented throughout the room. In the front of the classroom, a giant of a man presided over the boys. His obsidian eyes were sharp and caught every movement, every mistake. He barked orders left and right, correcting footing and grip with ease. Those dark eyes alighted on her and instantly he called a halt.

"Are you Kaoru Kamiya?" he asked, stepping through the ranks of boys to reach her. Suddenly shy under the gaze of every person in the room, she could only nod. All of these boys looked so much older than her.

"Boys, continue with warm-ups. Okita, you lead."

The big man turned to her and put a massive hand against her back, gently guiding her through the dojo. "My name is Seijiro Hiko. I'm glad to have you, Kaoru. First girl brave enough to come here for lessons. This will be where you come first thing every day you're here." He pointed into a small room with a tiny pallet and chest. You'll keep your shinai in here as well as your practice gi and hakama. Both are already in there for you, in the chest. I'll wait for you out here while you change. You know how to wear gi and hakama?"

She nodded again, shocked that this big seemingly rough man was being so nice. She had a feeling that would change once she got out on the practice floor, but for now, it was nice. Her father had warned her before coming her that Hiko-sensei was a hard man and would challenge her, but he knew she could take it.

Kaoru quickly changed into the practice clothing and grabbed the shinai, testing its weight and balance in her palm. She decided it was well suited to her small, slender frame and though the balance was just a touch off, it would be fine for now. Quietly, she emerged into the hallway and bowed to Hiko-sensei. He gave her a little half smile before turning and leading her back down the hallway to the practice room.

"Kaoru, if it's alright with you, I'd like to see what level you're at. Once we get in the practice room, I'd like you to do a kata you're comfortable with for me. From there, I'll have you spar with someone I think will be on your level and see how you do. She nodded, gulping a little.

The boys were still warming up and none turned their heads to see Hiko-sensei reenter the room with the tiny girl trailing behind him. Quietly he sat against the wall and nodded to her. Kaoru took a deep breath, choosing a kata her father had taught her a month ago. Carefully, she stepped into stance, wiping her mind of all distractions. The room faded into the background until it was only the shinai and her. She stepped forward.

Hiko watched with appraising eyes as the girl took the first step of her exercise. He raised an eyebrow as she ducked into a series of whirls befitting of someone who'd been studying for at least five years. He'd have to talk to her father later. Koshijirou Kamiya had led him to believe his daughter was but a beginner. This girl was anything but. As her sword arced low in a sweep he admired her controlled form. Her swings were a little wider than he would have preferred, but her small frame almost made them necessary. She was also too tense, but that could be amended with time as she became more comfortable in the dojo. Briefly he wondered if she'd ever really sparred with someone. He supposed he would see soon enough. She finished the kata with a sword pass behind her back that transferred her weight to her right side for a finishing thrust that reminded him of the famed gatotsu. She held perfectly still for a moment, one tiny hand locked on the hilt of her shinai and the other poised over it in a kempo position as she panted. Then she slowly drew herself up and bowed.

Hiko nodded once and noted that the boys had finished warm-ups and were now watching the girl, some warily, some amusedly, and some with downright disdain. Briefly he wondered how much strife her coming here would bring, but decided that it was for the best. Some of his students had ego problems and he thought the girl would be just what the doctor ordered to humble them a bit.

Considering for a moment, he crooked a finger at one of his older students, a fifteen-year old if he remembered correctly. "Gohei, if you would be so kind." The older boy stared incredulously for a moment before stepping forward. "You will be sparring with Kaoru. Three point match. All swords styles permitted. Absolutely no kempo and no below the belt. Do you understand Kaoru?"

The girl nodded, staring up at the teenager who was nearly three feet taller than her own slight frame. He gave her a wicked grin that revealed a disturbing amount of teeth. "Take up positions," Hiko commanded as his other students stepped back to give the pair room. "Hajime," he stated, watching sharply as Gohei immediately charged the girl.

Kaoru fell into the mindset of battle all too easily. She'd sparred before. Another boy in her neighborhood practiced kendo and was always up to a match. He did not have this boy's height or weight though. Strength was clearly not her ally here so she would have to use speed instead.

She sidestepped Gohei's charge and let him pass her like a great bull at a bullfight. He turned as he passed to strike her but was far too slow as his momentum carried him further away. She parried his sloppy blow and fell into a counter, rapping him smartly on one shoulder as she leapt away.

"Point Kaoru," Hiko stated, unable to keep a tiny smirk from his lips. Gohei was one of the arrogant pupils he'd had in mind when he first saw this girl move. Gohei was strong, but lacked any discipline in his form. He beat his opponents only because the blows he did land were often too painful for the competitor to continue.

Gohei turned and faced Kaoru again, rage gleaming in his beady eyes. "Hajime." Again Gohei was the first to attack, the fool. He'd learned from his earlier charge though. Rather than rushing the girl, he approached slowly, feinting once she was in range. She fell for only one feint but it was one too many. Gohei went for her opening and she immediately tucked into a roll, slipping right between Gohei's legs. The teen turned with a roar, shinai descending to where the girl would be vulnerable as she unrolled, but she was not there. Halfway through her roll, as her back came in contact with the floor, she pushed off with one arm to spring to the side. As Gohei attacked the spot he thought she would be, his side was left completely open. She scrambled to her feet and landed another hit on Gohei's arm just as his shinai struck the floor.

"Point Kaoru," Hiko said, laughter evident under his voice. Gohei did not even wait for his next command to begin, instead rushing Kaoru as she moved back to her fighting position. She heard his heavy footfalls on the floor behind her and turned to raise her shinai just in time to block his vicious thrust. He came up beneath her counter and went for her ribs. Kaoru's counter carried her away from his blow but just barely. She spun away from him, shinai raised and eyes wary.

Gohei roared and rushed her, intent on striking her either with the shinai or his massive body. Kaoru saw that she would not be able to block or dodge. He was too close, moving too quickly. All that was left was to attack. With a small cry of her own, Kaoru stepped into a quick samurai run, her shinai held out to her side and free arm in front of her. She had not mastered this particular move yet and knew it was a risk, but it took her low enough to come up under his attack. 'Almost, almost…almost,' she thought to herself as they approached each other on a collision course. With a final cry, Gohei brought his shinai down, but she was so low to the ground it took up an extra second to reach her. The extra second was all she needed. Leaping under his defense she struck twice and rapidly: one to his knuckles to stop the shinai and one to his collarbone to bring him down. Her small body didn't have much force behind it, but her shots went to two sensitive points. Gohei cried out and fell to his knees as Kaoru rolled out of the way.

She popped up, prepared to defend herself from another unexpected attack, but there was no need. Hiko already stood in front of her, a bokken outstretched to Gohei's neck. "How dare you be so dishonorable in this dojo?" he asked in a tightly controlled voice. "You will haul the water today and every day for the next two weeks. In addition, all cleaning duties are exclusively yours. You are lucky I do not expel you. Leave this lesson and return only when you've brought enough water for everyone and enough to scrub the floors."

Gohei glared up with hateful eyes, but finally bowed his head under Hiko's implacable will. He rose and left the room, only shooting a deadly glare at Kaoru as he slid the door shut behind him. Hiko watched him go before turning to Kaoru. "Very well done, Kaoru. I'm quite impressed. Your father did not do justice to your skills. You will be joining the sixth year students. Okita is one of them." The boy who had run the warm-ups smiled at her, waving jovially. Quietly, she walked to the boy and looked up at him. His smile remained genuine as he guided her to a spot.

Hiko returned to the front of the room and began the lesson, splitting the students up by year and explaining exactly what he wanted from each group of them. As the sixth year students waited their turn, Kaoru studied her year mates. There was Okita of course, as well as a glowering boy with long black hair. The boy was handsome in a cold way and he looked to be about thirteen or fourteen. Sitting next to the boy was another kid with bright blonde hair that stood up so straight she wondered if he'd stuck his finger in a light socket as a child. A ways away from the blonde boy was a kid just a little older than her with shock white hair. He looked at her with strange red eyes that were slightly guarded. After a moment of looking her over, he smiled and gave her a peace sign before walking over.

"Hey. Name's Enishi Yukishiro. Way to beat the shit out of Gohei. I don't think I've ever seen him so pissed off."

Kaoru's eyes widened at the boy's foul language, but she brushed it off and murmured, "Thank you."

"Not a problem. It's about time someone put that ass in his place."

She nodded and studied the ground before looking up to search the group again. There was only one other boy in the group and he was studying her unabashedly. His hair was luxuriously red and hung in a high ponytail down his back. His eyes were the most unusual shade of amethyst and they were sharp and appraising, though they seemed warm. He looked like he might be around her age. When he caught her gaze, he smiled slightly, just the barest tilt of the corners of his mouth. She almost went over to talk to him, but was stopped when Hiko came to their group to explain the lesson for the day.

The two-hour practice passed in a blur and by the end Kaoru was exhausted but happy. Practice had never been like this with her father. He was always cautious and gentle with her. Hiko was the exact opposite. She learned that his tongue was as sharp as any sword and he was not afraid to turn it on any of his students. Grinning, she went to the small room where she'd first changed, loving the feel of sweat trickling between her shoulder blades.

Just as she reached the room, she heard the shuffle of feet behind her. Before she could even turn, she was slammed against the wall hard enough to make her vision flash for a moment. Hands roughly turned her and slammed her back again. Unthinking, she raised her shinai to try and knock her enemy back, but the bamboo weapon was knocked from her hand as though it was no more than a matchstick.

"Stupid little bitch," a voiced hissed at her. She vaguely recognized it as Gohei's before a fist struck her squarely across the cheekbone. "How dare you make me look like an idiot in front of Sensei? How did a little pipsqueak like you even get into such an exclusive dojo? You don't belong here." Another punch landed in her gut, knocking her wind from her. The hand pinning her to the wall released her and she fell to the floor in a heap.

Slowly, she looked up to see Gohei looming overhead with a shinai against his shoulder. A few other boys were with him, each of them holding a shinai and wearing a similar version of Gohei's twisted grin. "Let's teach you what a mistake it was for you to come here," he told her, raising the shinai to strike her collarbone.

"That will be enough," said a cool voice from the end of the hallway. Gohei turned his attention to the newcomer as he pressed his foot onto Kaoru's shoulder, keeping her from escaping. She managed to raise her head to see who had attempted to rescue her.

At the end of the hall, the redheaded boy stood. His eyes were cold and narrow as he gazed at Gohei, his hand resting on the hilt of the shinai thrust through his hakama tie.

"And what's it to you Himura?"

"She beat you quite fairly, even though you cheated. I'd say that's enough to make it something to me."

Gohei grinned and ground his foot into Kaoru's chest, making her gasp out in pain before biting her lip. "And what do you plan to do about it?"

"You know it's not wise to challenge me, Gohei. Let her go and I won't hurt you."

"Don't make me laugh, Himura. You're good, but it's five against one. You don't have a chance."

"This is your last warning," the redhead said calmly, crouching into a stance Kaoru had never seen before as he tightened his grip on his shinai.

In answer, Gohei pulled back and aimed a kick at Kaoru's ribs. He never got to kick her. Kenshin moved in a blur, disappearing from her sight before she even knew what was happening. Gohei was sent flying against a wall as two of the other boys fell to their knees moaning. The last two boys tried to raise their shinai to fight but their attempt was pathetic. In a mere three seconds they lay on the ground, moaning. Gohei was climbing back to his feet, eyes narrowed in rage. At long last, the redhead boy appeared again, untouched and not even winded from his efforts. "Don't do it, Gohei," he warned, shinai ready to attack. The other boy did not pay heed.

With a roar, he charged. Kaoru couldn't help but think,_ Idiot_, as he bore down on an opponent who was quite obviously too fast for him. Kenshin disappeared in the blink of an eye. She looked for him but could not see where he'd gone. Unexpectedly, he dropped from the ceiling, his shinai bearing down with all his weight behind it. Gohei never saw the attack coming. The older boy dropped to the floor completely unconscious as the redheaded boy neatly flipped to the side and landed on his feet.

Kaoru stared at him with mouth wide open, disbelieving. Was this kid even human? He turned to her, smiling gently as the last vestiges of battle left his eyes. He crossed to her as she remained where she was, sprawled on the floor and slack jawed. Offering a hand, he said, "My name is Kenshin Himura. Are you alright?"

Unable to speak, she took his hand and allowed him to haul her to her feet. He lifted her as though she weighed nothing. "Miss…Kaoru was it? Are you alright?"

She moved her mouth to say something, anything, but no sound came out. "Maybe I'd better take you to go see Hiko-shishou."

She allowed him to lead her by the hand through the dojo as she tried to make her vocal chords work again. Finally, words came. "How did you do that?"

He turned back to look at her, crimson brushing across his cheeks and nose. "It was nothing," he murmured. She yanked out of his grip and said, "Nothing? If you call that nothing, I'd like to see what you call something."

He grinned sheepishly as his blush spread further. Abruptly, Kaoru shut her mouth. It occurred to her that she was being rather rude.

"You said your name was Kenshin, right?" He nodded, glancing down the hall to where some of the boys who'd ganged up on her were starting to rise.

"You were right. My name is Kaoru. Kaoru Kamiya. Thank you very much for helping me. I owe you."

"Not at all," he murmured, taking her hand again and dragging her away before she could notice the stirring boys. They continued on down the hallway silently and he led her to a door, which he slid open and motioned for her to enter. Inside, she found they were in a kitchen. Not only that, but Hiko-sensei was moving swiftly around the kitchen as he fixed a meal.

"There you are, Kenshin. What took you…" He paused, still facing the stove and said, "Who have you brought with you?"

"The new student, Kaoru Kamiya, Shishou. I found Gohei and a few others about to beat her up, so I helped her."

Hiko nodded and turned to face the two children. He eyed Kaoru for a moment and said, "You're going to have quite a shiner, young lady. Let's get some ice on it."

Kenshin led her to the table and urged her to sit as Hiko fished out an ice pack and wrapped it in a towel. She took it with a murmured thank you and held it over her throbbing cheek. "Report," Hiko ordered sharply at Kenshin.

The redhead immediately stood up straighter and said, "Gohei and four others had cornered her against a wall. He was about to strike her with a shinai when I arrived. I asked them to back down and they did not, so I defended her."

"How are they?"

"Gohei was unconscious, and the others will have bruises, but that should be it."

"Very good, Kenshin. Keep our young guest company while I go speak with young Gohei. You," he said addressing Kaoru, "may feel free to eat supper with us. I'll call your father and let him know."

"Thank you, sensei," she said, dipping her head slightly. Hiko set down a pan of noodles and stir-fry on the table and then stormed out into the dojo proper. Kenshin retrieved three plates and silverware and presented her with one set.

"Are you sensei's son?" she asked quietly as he dished some food onto her plate. He looked up, startled, and then smiled.

"Not by blood, no. My parents died in the Peace Corps when I was still younger. They were caught in an epidemic. Hiko-shishou is my uncle, and he took me in."

She nodded and chose not to ask another question for a while. When she felt an adequate amount of time had passed she asked her next question. "How old are you?"

He glanced up. "Thirteen."

"What?"

Her exclamation was enough to make him pause in taking his next bite.

"You are so not thirteen. You're almost as short as I am."

"I can't help my height," he told her, shrugging helplessly.

"Hmph," she grunted, contemplating her stir-fry as she took sneaking glances at him.

"That guy in our year group," she said after a moment, "the one with the broom hair…"

She didn't get to finish her sentence as Kenshin laughed and a slight spray of partially chewed food traveled across the table. "Ewww," she said, backing away slightly.

"Sorry," he gasped after a moment, trying to recover both from laughter and some food going down the wrong pipe. "I've just never thought about him that way. It does look like a broom doesn't it?" He smiled at her then, a smile she hadn't seen on his face yet. It was small, but showed the white glint of his teeth and lit up his whole face. It made his eyes sparkle like the gemstones they were colored after. She immediately decided that she loved his smile.

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Japanese glossary:

kendo: the art of sword fighting

shinai: bamboo training sword

gi: traditional male shirt (what Kenshin wears in the canon universe)

hakama: traditional male pleated pants (what Kenshin wears in the canon universe)

sensei: teacher

kata: traditional warmup exercise meant to focus the body and challenge basic skills

kempo: a type of hand-to-hand combat (the form both Aoshi and Misao use)

hajime: as well as being Saitoh's first name, this is a command used in kendo meaning "begin"

bokken: wooden sword (what Kaoru uses as her main weapon in the canon universe)

shishou: a highly respectful term for master that Kenshin is noted for using when speaking to Hiko

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_A/N: Expect these interludes every three chapters or so. I've decided to include them so that everyone can know the back story I have in my head of how the Kenshin-gumi came together to be the group they are in the main plotline. I know that yet again the chapter is shorter than my usual standards and I really am trying, but seemingly to no avail. I'm trying to make them flow naturally and the natural flow is to end them at the points I've been ending them at. As a heads-up note, as I'm not sure when I'll start creeping to adult content lines, this story will be posted both on ff net and mm org. A big thanks to everyone who's been reviewing. I'm truly stunned with the depth and thought people are putting into them. Thank you so much everyone, and continuation of such wonderful reviews would be greatly appreciated._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore_


	6. Of Tears and Blood

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is _completely fictional. _Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, _do not flame me for them._ Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful._ _Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are.

* * *

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**Shards of Me**

Chapter IV: Of Tears and Blood

When they got home, Kaoru immediately retreated to her room. Kenshin watched her go, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch her shoulder, if only to apologize once more. He was no fool; he'd felt the desire in her previous kiss clearly, the emotions almost identical to his own, but he could not bring himself to answer her pleas. Too much of his being was haunted to willingly take her for himself as he wanted to.

Once he was sure she would not emerge for the night, he went to his own room and changed into a comfortable pair of pajama pants and nothing else. With almost fearful fingers, he opened the case that sat nestled in his ancient suitcase in one corner of his room, shrouded in darkness that did not seem to lighten when the sun rose. Inside lay his sword, a katana of the finest folded Japanese steel. It had been a gift of the special operatives division to which he'd been a member—also a curse. Above the katana lay a wakizashi, but Kenshin left the smaller blade where it rested in the plush blue velvet. Deliberately, he hefted the katana and left his room again.

It was a short matter to shove the furniture out of his way, giving himself a large space to work in. Carefully, he tested his limits and locked into memory how much he could extend his range before he cut something; it would not do to ruin Kaoru's apartment when she was already so upset.

Kenshin set himself into the stance of a kata and began his pattern in swift, angry motions. He had meant to relieve the stress he felt building in his shoulders, but as he moved the tension only increased. He spun, whirled, and struck at the shadows of enemies—his inner demons which seemed to take physical form and torment him in the dark hours of the night.

He was so angry at himself. He should not have kissed her, not again. He'd been so tempted tonight, so damn tempted. But twice was two times too many and a third might be his undoing. He was not sure for how long his immense control could endure this torture. He wanted to touch her, to love her, very badly. Yet he knew perfectly well he had no right. He'd abandoned her to fight a war she hated for three years and then returned to her a broken man in whom a dark, blood-thirsty beast was hiding. Kaoru deserved so much more than what he had to offer.

But when the thought of another man touching her crossed his mind, rage boiled to the surface so quickly it made his head spin. He could not bear the idea of letting her go, not when he finally had her in reach again. He'd spent three agonizing years praying they would let him return to her and to lose her again, to watch her turn her back on him, might kill him.

Kenshin was moving past his body's limits now, his anger overriding any pain he might have felt. The room passed in a blur as he spun low, katana passing hardly a centimeter above the ground. A sudden rustle had him rising with lightning speed, turning toward the sound as he came to a halt. His blade pointed straight out, an extension of his arm that rested just a foot from Kaoru' heart.

She watched him with guarded eyes, a bokken loose at her side. She was dressed for bed, a plain sports bra and loose pajama pants clinging to her. Her blue eyes were distant as she stared at the silver blade between them. Slowly, she followed the blade until it became his arm, her eyes gradually sliding up to meet his gaze.

She noted with extreme apprehension that his eyes had turned to blazing amber that seemed to pierce the darkness like a fire. Slowly, he lowered the sword, relaxing his posture only slightly.

"It seems you had the same idea I did," she said softly, her voice dead and cold.

"So it seems," he returned, his voice lower and huskier than it normally was, interspersed by harsh pants. He was trying very hard to hold onto his anger, wanting it to burn away the pain that was sweeping him both mentally and physically.

"I'll leave you to your kata," he said, trying to slide past her.

"Stay. I haven't sparred with someone in a long time."

He met her cold blue gaze evenly, saw the anger there. This was a bad idea. They were both angry and exhausted and a thousand other swirls of emotion that ebbed and flowed as quickly as the waves on a beach. A duel between them would not only be stupid, but possibly dangerous. If he obliged, it would be because he felt guilty for pushing her away from him earlier that night and they both knew it. If he refused, it would be because he feared for his own sanity as well as the consequences any sort of battle could bring about: more fighting or a crumpling of his will to keep himself from her. He bowed his head slightly, hiding his eyes behind fiery bangs dripping sweat.

"We don't have room," he whispered, trying to avoid the confrontation he knew she needed.

"We'll go to the roof," she said simply.

He was lost. He already knew it. He would fight her and defeat her because to lose purposefully would have broken her even more. Resignedly, he turned, intent on placing his sword back in the dark case. She sensed his defeat without saying a word and disappeared into her room, returning with a second bokken.

She watched him beneath hooded eyes as he placed the sword back in the velvet with reverent and fearful hands. Part of her was glad to see his awe for the blade, no matter how masterfully he wielded it. His actions told her that he still had respect for human life, something she had feared he would lose while he was away.

He turned back to her, eyes still hidden. She felt a pang of guilt go through her. He did not want to fight her—that was obvious. Yet she could not stop herself from issuing the challenge. He'd hurt her deeply that night and she wanted to see him hurt in turn, never mind that it was obvious he was still suffering from all the things he'd done while he was away.

Kaoru led him to the roof in silence, only pausing to offer the bokken to him. He took it in a white knuckled grip, staring down at the wooden sword as though she'd just handed him a snake. On the roof, he found there was a deck laid out and though the wooden floor was not smooth as it would be in a dojo, it did not pain his bare feet.

Under the faint light of stars nearly blotted out by the lights of the city, she faced him, her blue eyes glinting icily through the darkness. Slowly, he raised his gaze to meet hers, his eyes still golden though more out of sadness than anger now. "Hajime," she whispered, giving command to start. He did not move, but she stepped forward, her feet slow and deliberate.

Her pace quickened as she drew nearer until she was running, but still he did not move, unutterable sadness reflecting into the night sky. At the last possible moment, he raised his sword to block her strike, his limbs doing the movement automatically. As the clack of wood echoed through the night, his warrior's mind took over, drowning out the emotions that were crippling him.

Kenshin moved without thought, his red hair flowing out behind him as he spun around her. She knew him and knew his speed, moving her sword to block a predictable strike. He was not yet fighting her with his all, some part of him still holding back. Her bokken arced through the air, intent on his collarbone. He twisted away from the strike easily, placing himself behind her again.

Kaoru was simply not fast enough to keep up with him. He struck out, his sword moving even faster since it was not the heavy metal he was used to wielding. She raised her bokken only in the nick of time, but the blow vibrated through the wood and her arm went numb with shock. A moment later, the wood splintered into pieces. She turned her face away to protect her eyes as slivers flew through the air, burying themselves in her skin. She felt a strong arm wrap around her stomach, drawing her away from the danger. The next moment, cool wood was at her throat.

"Have you proven your point?" he asked, his voice low and harsh. "Have you gained the satisfaction you thought you would from this match?"

Kaoru froze in place, her limbs going still. Anyone else would have never detected the pain in his voice, but she could. She knew in that instant that she had made a terrible mistake, drawing him into the duel. Kenshin remained still against her back, his arm still locked around her waist and the bokken now trembling against her throat. Then, slowly, he drew back, eyes hidden from her.

"Kenshin…" she whispered, her voice trembling. Had she pushed him too far? Was he beyond even her reach now?

She reached out her hand in entreaty and realized with a start that there was blood trickling down her hand and wrist. He saw the dark liquid in contrast against her skin and she could see the flinch cross his face.

"Come," he said softly, voice guarded but still filled with hurt. "We need to treat those cuts." He took her by the hand and began leading her down the stairs. She suddenly had to fight back tears. She'd hurt him so badly this time and yet he was still taking care of her.

There was silence between them as they returned to her apartment. He found the medical supplies with little difficulty and returned to where he'd left her, sitting in a kitchen chair under harsh fluorescent lights. Her face was distant and tears were slowly trickling down her cheeks. Kenshin felt a harsh pang of guilt as he saw a slash across her left cheekbone where a splinter must have cut her—it was in almost the same spot as one line of his scar. The sight reminded him eerily of his dream the night before and he watched with increasing apprehension as her tears mixed with blood before falling to her chin and dripping to the floor.

Wordlessly, he began to clean the wounds, swabbing alcohol across the cuts and extracting splinters before carefully bandaging them. She stared down at the top of his head, silken red hair hiding him from her fearful eyes.

"Kenshin," she whispered, "say something."

He paused in his ministrations before glancing up at her eyes and continuing. "And what would you have me say, Kaoru?" he asked, trying to keep his voice cold and emotionless. "There is nothing left to say. I've hurt you far too many times."

"But I hurt you, too," she whispered, reaching out with the hand he wasn't caring for and touching his scarred cheek. Blood trickled from one of her cuts onto his cheek, reminding him far too much of the first time his skin had bled there, equally covered with tears and blood. Now was so different, but at the same time so similar. He froze at her touch, glancing upward and noticing for the first time the hollow, haunted light in her eyes that seemed so similar to his own.

"I'm so sorry, Kenshin," she whispered when she caught his gaze. "For everything."

He wanted to tell her all was forgiven, but the words seemed caught on his tongue. Instead, he resorted to touching her cheek in the same manner she was his, holding her gaze.

"I'm sorry too, Kaoru."

Quietly, he returned to bandaging her hand. When he finished with that, he carefully kissed each tip of her finger before turning her hand over and pressing a kiss to her palm. It was perhaps not one of his more brilliant ideas, but he wanted to comfort her somehow. Kenshin drew closer and reached up to clean the cut on her cheek. She let him, a dazed expression crossing her face.

"Kenshin," she whispered, her voice trembling as she tried to word her next question, "why did you pull away?" He didn't have to ask her what she meant. His eyes avoided hers as he reached for a small bandage to cover her cheek. He wanted to answer her question truthfully but feared her reaction. He did not want her to know what he had done while he was overseas, and he especially did not want her to pity him.

Finally, he met her eyes again as he smoothed the bandage across her skin. His hand remained on her face, thumb slowly brushing away her tears. "I pulled away because I do not deserve you," he answered.

He could see confusion light her eyes and quickly pressed his hand to her lips to silence the questions he knew she would ask. "Understand, Kaoru, that I want nothing more than to make you happy. You would never be happy with me."

"How do you know?" she demanded, her temper suddenly rising. She pushed his hand away from her mouth. "I was happy with you before you left."

His face averted, red hair slipping across his shoulder and down his chest. "Things change," Kenshin said softly.

She stared down at him for a moment and saw the changes he meant. There was a time when he never would have hidden anything from her. Now he was hiding everything save his concern for her own well-being.

"Yes," she said gently, rising as she spoke, "they do." Kaoru flipped off the kitchen light as Kenshin rose behind her, his golden eyes watching her nervously. She returned to face him, blue eyes glinting with hurt and confusion in the darkness. Her gentle, calloused hand returned to his face and before he could stop her, she pulled him forward and kissed him. He did not even have time to react as she released him and retreated to her own room.

Kenshin stood in the kitchen staring at her bedroom door for the longest time, desperately wanting to follow her and knowing he could not. It was nearly three hours before he retired to his own bed, completely exhausted.

oOoOoOoOo

Sunday was a nightmare for Kenshin. Kaoru did not come out of her room all day. Time after time he came to her door and knocked, begged for her to come out, speak to him, something, anything. Silence was his only answer.

He did not want to be left alone with his thoughts, but it seemed Kaoru was not about to grace him with company. _I fucked up so badly this time. She should just kick me out so we can both go on with our lives. I just wish…_ The thought trailed off unsettlingly. Did he wish he'd never gone to war? Did he regret the decision he'd made three years ago? His mind did not want to consider the answer to that question.

What he'd done had made a difference. He knew that much. In his heart, he knew his presence overseas really had saved dozens, maybe even hundreds of innocent lives. But at what cost? Nightmares haunted him night after night, giving him no peace in sleep. During the day, the oddest things could immediately bring him back to one of the many bloody sights he'd been a part of creating during his service. His world was filled with shadows now. Was it worth the sacrifice? He still didn't know.

When lunch time had come and gone without even so much as a sign of Kaoru, Kenshin was nearly at wit's end. On the one hand, he could storm into her room without her permission and quite possibly piss her off more, but at least he'd get his two cents in. On the other hand, leaving her alone seemed like an exceptionally good way to let her settle her emotions so they could both speak to each other like rational individuals.

Kenshin's mind was made up for him when he heard the slam of her door from his chair in the kitchen. Before he'd even comprehended that he was moving, he was down the hallway to her room, tearing the door open almost violently. The sight that met him was not what he expected. Kaoru's room was empty. Quickly he checked the rest of the apartment. She was not in the bathroom or any other room in her home. With a sigh of defeat, Kenshin slumped against the wall in the hallway, gazing into her room and resisting the urge to go and curl up in her bed.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru spent the majority of Sunday morning curled in a fetal ball in her bed, staring at the walls with red-rimmed eyes. She could not bring herself to face him. What she'd done…God, would he ever forgive her? The anger in his eyes, the coldness in his voice, they haunted her every time she dared to close her eyes. He'd already been to her room several times, knocking and being his completely polite wonderful self, even though she knew the gestures were now probably forced and hollow. After the eleventh time though, when he practically begged her to come out, she couldn't take it anymore. Without a second thought, she slid her window open.

The chill autumn breeze made her think twice about going out in her pajamas, though. Quickly she changed into a ratted pair of jeans and a t-shirt spattered with paint. _Shit!_ she nearly screamed as she realized her coat was hanging on the hook outside of her door. _Please don't be outside the door, please don't be outside the door, _she chanted in her mind as she oh so carefully pulled it open. He was not in the hallway. She made a mad dash for her coat and was back in her room in a nanosecond, door slamming behind her. She was out the window and down the fire escape so quickly it made her head spin.

Without any clear destination, Kaoru took off down her street, hands tucked into her coat pockets and shoulders hunched against the wind. Her feet wandered with a will of their own, but she wasn't surprised when she found herself outside of Misao and Aoshi's modest house. Biting her lip, she approached the door.

Misao was quick to answer the bell and the shocked look on her face at Kaoru's appearance might have made her laugh on a different occasion.

"Kaoru?" the small woman asked hesitantly. "What are you doing here? Not that I'm not glad to see you. It's just…unexpected."

"Sorry, Misao. I can leave if it's a bad time."

Misao immediately frowned, recognizing a hollow tone she'd thought they had managed to eliminate from Kaoru's voice a year ago. "It's not a bad time at all. Come in."

Kaoru walked into the house slowly, her eyes vacant and her mind clearly elsewhere. Misao followed at her heels with worry quickly blooming in her chest. She placed a hand on Kaoru's shoulder and led the girl into the living room.

"Tell me what's wrong, Kaoru."

With that one quiet, compassionate command from Misao, Kaoru snapped like a twig. She let out a single, trembling sob and buried her face in her hands, curling in on herself. "God, Misao," she murmured. "I ruined it. I completely messed everything up. Kenshin must hate me now."

"Kaoru, what are you talking about? Kenshin could never hate you," Misao sad sharply as she placed an arm around her friend.

In stumbling sentences, Kaoru told Misao the details of last night, from attempting to kiss Kenshin to instigating a duel between them. Misao remained silent throughout, her frown deepening with each passing fact. When Kaoru finished, hiccupping slightly, Misao easily pulled her friend into a tight embrace.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Kaoru. You were angry and you had every right to be."

"No!" Kaoru nearly shouted, pushing away slightly. "I had no right to be angry with him. He doesn't feel the same way about me. I can't force my feelings on him."

"But you said he kissed you after his nightmare."

"I can't blame him for being caught in the heat of the moment."

"Kaoru," Misao growled, not understanding how her friend could be so unreasonable when it came to seeing how much Kenshin cared for her. Sighing, she pushed her frustration to the side. "Do you want to stay here for the night?"

Kaoru glanced at the clock and saw it was approaching supper time. Kenshin was probably getting worried about her.

"No, I'll go home."

"Let me give you a ride." Kaoru was hardly in a state to refuse as it was.

oOoOoOoOo

Misao dropped her outside her apartment with a congenial wave and a worried glance before driving away. Kaoru watched the car disappear into the fading daylight, feeling strangely empty inside. Quietly, she turned to the door to her building and unlocked it. Trudging the stairs to the second floor seemed a supreme will of effort and Kaoru nearly slumped against the wall on more than one occasion. She did not want to have to face him, especially not under such cowardly pretenses. Most unfortunately, though, he just had to be staying in _her_ apartment.

With a last longing glance back down the stairs, Kaoru slipped her key in the lock.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin heard the key click in the lock of her apartment door and was immediately alert. He'd been half afraid she wouldn't come home at all. Rushing, he stood and approached the door just as it swung open. Kaoru stood on the other side, staring down and looking for all the world like a lost little child.

Kenshin moved to her in three giant strides and wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he dared. Kaoru froze in his embrace, her frame stiffening. He could hear her breath stutter slightly under his sudden attention.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear, tightening his arms for a moment. "Just please…please don't…shut me out like that."

Kaoru nearly told him he was forgiven. The words were right on her tongue when she bit them back. What he was asking…he had no right to ask that. If he could shut her out than she most certainly had the right to shut him out.

Kenshin's grip loosened as she remained silent and he moved back slightly to see her face. He'd been so worried, but now he was filled with a sense of dread. Her eyes were dull and cold as she nodded at him, acknowledging his apology but not accepting it.

Quietly, she spoke. "Last night was my fault, Kenshin," she told him tightly. "You don't need to apologize for it. But don't ask me for something you're not willing to give yourself."

She tugged out of his embrace and stepped down the hallway, not even glancing back. If she'd had the sense to, she might've seen the hurt in his expression as she turned her back on him.

oOoOoOoOo

The next morning, Kenshin awoke suddenly, dripping cold sweat. He could not recall what woke him, but came to the conclusion that it must have been a nightmare. He could hear Kaoru outside his room, moving quietly and quickly. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was 7:42. She'd be leaving for work any moment. He considered, for the briefest flash of time, going out to her and kissing her goodbye. The thought was shoved away as quickly as it had come. A moment later, the door shut and he knew she was gone.

Kenshin lay in bed for another few minutes, considering the patterns of the morning light on the ceiling. He rose from the covers only when one of the shapes reminded him of a girl he'd seen hanging from a desolate tree in the desert, hung by her own people because she'd married a man without her parents' permission. The young man had been killed with her.

The apartment was eerily empty without Kaoru. Everything seemed quieter, more subdued. Chills started crawling down Kenshin's back in slow waves. His mind searched frantically for something to do. Up until that moment, he hadn't ever really been alone with his thoughts—not since he came back from his last solo mission in the desert. Slowly, dark shadows began closing in on his mind.

Kenshin noted some dirty dishes in the sink. His brain clawed at the task. Immediately, he set to scouring the dishes until they were spotless. When he finished that, the fine layer of dust on some of the windowsills caught his eye. Every time Kenshin finished a task, he noticed another that could continue to distract his mind from the thoughts of blood that were still lurking in the recesses of his consciousness. By noon, the entire house had been well cleaned and Kenshin was left with empty hands.

He made himself lunch and located the paper, eyes sifting through the classifieds until he found the manual labor. There were many jobs in construction, most of them for new business buildings, but a few for new houses. He circled the ads with a blue pen and quickly dialed the numbers that were listed. The employers at each place seemed grateful to hear from someone and Kenshin quickly had several interviews set up over the next few days. Once the last construction place was called though, he was left with nothing to do.

He perused Kaoru's book collection, which was strewn over several mismatched shelves lined up in the back of her living room. Most of the books were fantasy novels, which had never been something he'd much indulged in, but among the many books of fantasy, there were a select few of realistic fiction. He idly pulled a Civil War book from the shelf and scanned the back. The book was shoved back almost immediately as what he read hit a little too close too home. Kenshin resolutely picked up the latest "Harry Potter" book and began reading that instead.

He'd reached page 150 by the time Kaoru returned home. He glanced at the clock in surprise as he heard the door open. Where had the afternoon gone? He hadn't even made supper. Perhaps Kaoru would want to go out, or they could eat leftovers. Kenshin tried to ignore the pangs of guilt about not cooking. Surely, it was the least he could do for her and he'd neglected to help even that much.

Kaoru appeared in the kitchen, eyes searching for him. When their gazes met, he could immediately see the pain there, as well as her anger, which seemed to smolder and burn with unceasing heat. He could feel a cold lump rising in his chest, cutting of his air, and forced himself to breathe deeply around it as he dipped his head, breaking the staring contest. Against his will, his eyes slid to the stark cut on her cheek, now revealed to all the world. Why did she not where a bandage? The very sight of the angry red line made waves of guilt and anger alternately wash through his mind.

"Good evening, Kaoru," he said softly, guardedly. "Did you have a good day at work?"

He heard her sigh and wondered what she was thinking. A glance up showed him the resign in her eyes. She did not like that he was hiding himself. That was certain.

"It was alright," she said softly as she removed her shoes and pulled off the suit jacket she'd worn over her blouse. "It was a Monday. I saw Yahiko, though. He's coming over tomorrow afternoon to visit."

"Yahiko…" Kenshin murmured. He had not even given the younger man a thought in many months. Yahiko had been an orphan on the streets and had made the unfortunate decision to pick Kenshin's pocket one day as he and Kaoru were shopping downtown. Kaoru had immediately flattened the boy and threatened him bodily before Kenshin stepped in. He had asked the boy if he was hungry and offered lunch. Yahiko had growled several swearwords and run off, yelling about stupid people and their stupid pity.

However, every time Kenshin and Kaoru visited downtown, he would always spot the boy. With careful coaxing, they'd begun extracting him from the streets. Yahiko had been introduced to an older friend of Kenshin's, Tae, and she'd immediately taken to the boy. Only a month later, she asked Yahiko if he'd like to be adopted. After Yahiko's initial reaction (running for the hills,) he'd agreed.

The boy was now a senior in high school and had been accepted to a rather high end college in Chicago. Though he saw little of Kaoru, he still made it a point to visit the older girl at least once a month, especially after Kenshin left. With the return of his hero, Yahiko was scrabbling to see him again. Kaoru smiled wryly as he thought of how the boy had practically wriggled like a puppy when she'd told him Kenshin would be returning.

"It will be good to see him again," Kenshin said softly.

Kaoru sat down next to him on the couch, stretching lithely before glancing at his face.

"You know he's going to have a million questions for you," she said quietly. He said nothing but understood what she meant. Not all of Yahiko's questions would be ones he was comfortable with answering.

"I'll think of something," he murmured, more to himself than to her. He looked at her then and she could see how he carefully buried the worry of Yahiko's visit beneath layers of his mask, expertly hiding that from her as well. He cleared his throat and said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't cook dinner. I got absorbed in a book." He motioned to the giant green tome on the table.

Kaoru's face lit up as she saw what book he had been reading. "I know what you mean," she said, reaching out and lovingly stroking the binding. "I didn't stop reading this one for anything except the bathroom. Afterwards, I ate about a half gallon of ice cream because I was so hungry, and it made me so sad."

Kenshin looked at the book he'd begun with a raised eyebrow. Kaoru could not stop the laugh that bubbled in her throat. That was an expression she had not seen on his face in years and he only used it when he wished to show his utmost disbelief.

"It was that sad?"

"In my opinion," she said, nodding fervently. She could not keep the smile from her face and it became even more brilliant when she saw that the corners of Kenshin's mouth were also slightly lifted. He was watching her with warm eyes and she could detect faint traces of happiness deep beneath the violet surface. He was happy because she was happy.

"So," she said, as she shifted slightly and lay her feet across his lap, "what are we going to do for dinner?"

He stared at her feet for a moment before absently beginning to massage them and her legs as well. She sighed and tipped her head back over the arm of the couch, quietly enjoying any physical contact he would allow. "I was thinking we could order something or snack on leftovers."

"Strike the leftovers. The Chinese has been in there for about two weeks and is probably planning a rebellion in the near future."

He chuckled softly. "Order it is."

They fell into silence that was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. Both were still on edge from the episode last night, both filled with feelings of guilt and glimmerings of anger.

"I'm in the mood for Mexican," she declared finally, withdrawing her feet and standing. "I'll order. Is there anything you have a particular craving for?" He shook his head and watched her disappear into the kitchen. She had been guarded tonight, just as much as he was.

_You're planning something, Kaoru_, he thought to himself. _Please stop, before one of us becomes broken beyond repair.

* * *

_

_Author's Note: Look! There's more! Keep reading! I'll talk to you all in the next chapter._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	7. Second Interlude: Under the Surface

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story _is completely fictional_. Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, _do not flame me for them_. Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful. Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are.

* * *

_

**Shards of Me**

Second Interlude: Under the Surface Lies a Dragon

Kaoru glanced at Kenshin again as butterflies continued to spin violent whirls through her stomach. He seemed to sense her turmoil and turned to give her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, Kaoru. You'll do fine."

"So you say," she murmured, glancing out the window of Hiko-sensei's SUV. They were currently en route to a regional martial arts tournament that a few of the local clubs and dojos had managed to put together. It would be Kaoru's first tournament ever and she was already feeling woozy at the thought.

She glanced around the interior of the SUV, taking in the other students who had also chosen to participate. The brooding, handsome boy, Makoto Shishio, was scrunched in one corner as far away from anyone else as he could get. Enishi was in attendance as were a few lower level students she didn't know as well.

She and Kenshin were sharing the front seat, forced to sit together because they were the smallest people coming from their dojo. In two years, Kaoru had only managed to add a few inches to her height since joining Hiko's dojo. Kenshin had had similar luck, despite the fact that he was at the age when boys were supposed to shoot up like trees.

Just as Kaoru thought she might very well lose her lunch all over a very unfortunate Kenshin, they arrived at the fitness gym that had elected to host the tournament. Kaoru burst out the door as soon as the car stopped moving and went around back to start unloading everyone's equipment. At least her nervous energy would be well spent.

She handed down bokken and shinai to their respective owners before reverently reaching for the last weapon in the trunk. Hiko had given Kenshin his blessing to use a steel katana for the first time in a tournament. The blade was blunted for safety, but it was still a great honor to even touch the weapon, in Kaoru's opinion. Kenshin took the sword from her with a smile and helped her down from the back.

Together they wandered into the gym. Kaoru couldn't keep from gaping around in wonder. Because many of the clubs participating only had a few sister clubs or dojos in the region, several martial arts styles had collaborated in the event. Everything from tae kwan do to kendo, kempo to unusual weapon specialties was present. Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of a young girl hurling a short dagger at a target. A cheer rose among the crowd, indicating she'd probably hit her mark.

Kenshin watched Kaoru out of the corner of his eye, watching as a smile began to grow on her face, erasing her previous nervousness almost completely. With a gentle tug on her arm, he led her toward the locker rooms. Pointing with a slight grin he said, "I believe this is where we part ways."

She followed the line of his finger to the ladies' locker room and blushed faintly. "I'll see you later," she murmured. He halted her with a gentle hand on her shoulder. She turned her head slightly to look at him with a wary eye.

"You'll be fine, Kaoru. I have faith in you." She smiled slightly at his words and continued into the locker room, leaving him to go and change with the others.

In the locker room, Kaoru found herself virtually alone. She was not the only girl present, but she was one of a very few. Only two other girls were changing when she entered. With hurried movements, she changed into her hakama and gi, pausing only to run her fingers of the embroidered crescent moon and crane that were the sign of Hiko's dojo. Then she thrust her bokken through her sash and ventured out into the main building again.

Hiko was waiting for her outside the door. She did not even question how he'd known she was already changing, simply bowed and waited for him to speak. He handed her a piece of paper as he said, "Your first match is in a half an hour. Make sure you're warmed up and ready. We're in the red section of the gym. You're on mat A and you're facing off with someone from Maekawa dojo. They favor offense over defense. Let your opponent make the first move and play off what he or she deals you. Don't get too hasty in your attacks and make sure you keep your swings tight."

She nodded as she accepted the paper, glancing down to see it was a tournament schedule. "Will I have to fight anyone from our dojo?"

"Unlikely, though if you do chances are it will be Enishi. Kenshin and Makoto are in the level above yours."

"Will I get to see anyone fight?"

"It all depends on how the rounds time out against each other. You might get a chance."

She nodded as she tucked the paper into her wide sleeve then bowed again. "Thank you, sensei."

"Not at all, Kaoru. Just don't do anything stupid."

She grinned slightly and turned away, intent on finding her first match and warming up.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru shook her sweaty bangs out of her eyes as she rose from her formal bow. Four matches in and the back of her gi was soaked through. The competition was good…exceptionally good. She'd had to work very hard to even make it into the quarter-finals only to be defeated by young person of indefinite gender who'd entered under a dojo by the rather simplistic name "Strength." The boy…girl…person bowed in return with a glinting eye before eyeing the crowd behind Kaoru with a predatory smirk. Kaoru turned also to see what had caught her opponent's eyes and saw Kenshin and Makoto standing shoulder to shoulder. Kenshin was smiling at her slightly and when he noticed her gaze gave her a thumbs up symbol. Makoto seemed somewhat preoccupied with her opponent. A look of what she could only call disgusted fascination lingered on his face as he observed the slightly disturbing and gender confused person.

Kaoru made her way off the mat with a sheepish grin and was immediately clapped on the shoulder by Hiko, who had swooped down like a giant white bat the moment her foot touched the gym floor. Under the force of what was meant to be a congratulatory pat she was sent sprawling into Kenshin, who barely managed to catch her before she brought them both to the floor. She clumsily yanked herself away from him as a blush brushed across both of their faces. Kenshin coughed roughly before saying, "You did very well, Kaoru. That move with the double kick is something I've never seen before."

Hiko grunted in agreement before getting to the next point. "Semis for Kenshin and Makoto's division are in about a half an hour. Until then wander and watch the exhibitions or do whatever the heck you want so long as it doesn't have the potential to involve cops. There's a ninja exhibition somewhere around here you might like."

With his usual rough manner Hiko yanked away Kenshin and Shishio without another word, the two boys trailing haphazardly behind the large man's wide stride. Kaoru took a moment to snicker at the comical picture of the dazed Kenshin and the deeply angered Makoto before wandering off, just as Hiko had suggested.

For a time she watched the kendo matches, but found she felt she'd be more interested in things she'd never seen before. With that mindset, she wandered into the exhibition areas. A show of traditional Japanese archery with a longbow immediately caught her attention. She was watching another archer prepare to fire when something small and exceedingly bouncy accosted her back. Kaoru buckled under the weight of her assailant but managed to retain her balance as a high-pitched voice assaulted her ears running perhaps two times the speed of light.

"HimynameisMisaoMakimachi.Isawyouinyourkendofightandyou'rereallygood. I practice ninja arts myself. I'm here as an exhibitionist. You should so totally come watch us because I think you would really like what you see. Right now my sparring partner Aoshi-sama is exhibitioning. He uses kempo accompanied with kodachi and I think you would really like it and would you please come watch because everyone else I've talked to has said no."

_Small wonder, _Kaoru thought as she tried to disengage herself from the small clinging girl. "Excuse me," she tried to talk over the constant and seemingly endless stream from the girl. "Excuse me." Again, the incessant talking continued completely and totally unabated. "Excuse me!" That managed to get the girl's attention. Her mouth paused mid-sentence and she quirked her head at Kaoru like an inquisitive yap-dog.

"I'll go see whoever it was you wanted me to see if you will get off my back."

The girl remained in her frozen state for a moment more before a huge grin split her face. "You mean it? You'll really come watch?"

"If you'll get off me."

"Great! Let's go!" The annoying yap-dog girl leapt off Kaoru and grabbed her by the hand, yanking her through the gym to an exhibition mat. Truth be told, the girl's partner needed absolutely no help attracting attention to watch his exhibition. A huge crowd of onlookers had gathered to watch a tall boy who looked no older than sixteen whirl and dance across the floor, two short swords in each hand. Kaoru frowned. No, as the girl had said he didn't use wakizashi; rather his sword of choice was a kodachi, two at that.

Kaoru watched in growing admiration as the boy's weapon dance became exceedingly complicated. Through it all the smaller girl circled, tugging on Kaoru's arm and commenting on various moves that her friend was making, all without ever seeming to breathe. Kaoru was so caught up in the beauty and smoothness of the weapons dance that she began asking questions and commenting on various moves almost as much as the girl was.

The tall boy finished his dance with a half-flip worthy of a gymnast, finishing by going down to one knee with one sword extended in front of him and the other curled around his back to linger over his shoulder. The crowd clapped enthusiastically as he stood and bowed. Kaoru joined in with the loud applause as the loud speaker in the gym crackled to life.

"Attention guests and competitors. The finals of the level eight mastery kendo will be beginning shortly. The finals will be between Kenshin Himura of the Seijiro Dojo and Seta Soujiro of the Strong Dojo. Please make your way to the main ring."

Kaoru jumped at the announcement. She hadn't realized how much time had passed while she watched the exhibition. She quickly turned and began to make her way to the center of the gym. The annoying girl (Misao had she said her name was?) grabbed her arm and said, "Where are you going?"

"My best friend is the in the finals they just announced. I have to go see him compete."

"Oh, in that case we'll come with. We're done for a little while anyway."

"We?" Kaoru murmured as Misao turned away. She saw quickly enough what Misao meant when the small girl wormed her way through the crowd and grasped the taller boy by the arm. She dragged him through the crowd back to where Kaoru was standing.

"Aoshi-sama, this is…uh…"

"Kaoru Kamiya," Kaoru said shortly, extending her hand. Aoshi, as he was apparently called, took her hand in a firm and startlingly cool grip.

"A pleasure," he murmured in an equally cool and slightly Japanese-accented voice.

"We're going to go watch her best friend in the finals," Misao said excitedly. Without another word she grabbed Kaoru and Aoshi and yanked them through the steadily thickening crowds until they were nearly ringside. Aoshi glanced at her and she returned the glance. His eyebrows rose incrementally, though the rest of his face remained stony. She got the idea that he was used to these sorts of antics from Misao. She nearly said something to him, but then they were there and Kenshin's red hair was glinting before her eyes. The match was about to begin.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru watched sharply as Kenshin bowed to his opponent, a boy roughly the same height as Kenshin. The boy's hair was brown and fell into dreamy, almost vacant blue eyes. A strange smile dressed his face, as though he was viewing the world from a permanently drugged state.

"Which one is your friend?" Aoshi murmured, leaning over Misao and completely ignoring whatever was spewing out of her mouth. Kaoru inclined her head towards Kenshin and said, "The redhead."

"Mmm…" Aoshi asserted, his gaze traveling over the slight boy, "I believe he and I have met before, at the last exhibition in East High School. He's very good if I recall correctly."

Kaoru's attention returned to the mat as the first round began. Kenshin had gotten even faster since she'd first met him. She often found it difficult to even follow his moves. Once they had been on the same level, but he now surpassed every member of Hiko's dojo, all with infuriating modesty.

He and his opponent whirled across the mat, light glinting off their blunted steel blades. They seemed so evenly matched that Kaoru began to suspect that the match would result in a draw. Her eyes caught a flaw in the battle as Kenshin's opponent lost his footing and slid just the smallest amount, giving Kenshin an opening. Just as she might have seen the first point of the match a heavy hand fell on her shoulder.

She turned and saw a tall boy move next to Aoshi. The boy was wrapped in a white training outfit trimmed with black. A Japanese symbol dressed his back, but she was unsure what it might mean. His hair was brown and stuck out at odd angles almost as much as Cho's did. A bright red headband was tied around his forehead, holding his bangs out his face and failing rather pathetically at the job.

"How's he doing?" the tall boy asked, pointing in Kenshin's general direction just as cheer rose up from the crowd. Kaoru's head whipped back to the circle to see the judge indicating that Kenshin's opponent had scored the first blow.

She turned back to her the boy who'd distracted her from the match and said angrily, "Clearly not that well. And now I missed why thanks to you you…you…rooster head!"

"Whoa, girly," the boy muttered backing up until he ran into Aoshi who glared coldly at the boy's back. "I didn't mean anything. It's just that Kenshin and I know each other from a few years back and I haven't seen him in quite a while. I thought he might like to know I was back in town."

"That still doesn't give you an excuse. Jerk."

She turned her head defiantly back to the mat and found that the crowd had shoved in front of her while she was arguing with the rooster boy. A groan of frustration built in the back of her throat and she began to wearily push her way back to the front.

"Let me see if I can help you there," said the rooster, and before Kaoru knew what was happening, he had her perched on his shoulders.

"Hey! Put me down, you…" Kaoru's voice trailed of as she found she now had an excellent view of the match, as did her tall and annoying companion.

"The name's Sanosuke Sagara, by the way," he said as he shifted her weight back slightly. "You can thank me later."

"I'll punch you later, that's what I'll do," she growled before adding lightly, "Kaoru Kamiya."

"So you're that girl with all the kendo talent that Kenshin keeps talking about."

"He talks about…" Kaoru trailed off again as the brown-haired boy managed to strike Kenshin across the cheekbone. She heard the crunch of bone even from fifteen feet back and winced. The judge called a time out as Hiko rushed onto the mat to see to his pupil.

Blood was trickling out of one side of Kenshin's nose and his cheek was red and already looked swollen, but he stood and motioned that he was OK. Kaoru saw something in Kenshin then that she had never seen before. As his eyes briefly swept the crowd she saw in them an unusual flash of brilliant gold, a chill of icy rage, and a distinct simmering anger that Kenshin rarely exhibited. She felt her gut clench and her blood run cold at those strange flashing eyes.

The judge signaled an illegal move on the brown-haired boy's part and indicated that Kenshin would receive a penalty point. He signaled the start of the third round, the decisive round and Kaoru watched with apprehension as Kenshin crouched down into the stance of the style he was currently trying to master.

The other boy never even saw it coming. One moment Kenshin was crouched low to the ground with a hand on the hilt of his sheathed sword, the next the other boy was on the ground holding his stomach, his discarded blade by his side. Kenshin stood slowly from his stance and flicked his blade to the side before sheathing it. Kaoru recognized the move as the traditional move to clean an opponent's blood from the sword and felt her breath freeze in her lungs for a moment before emerging in a soft exhalation.

Kaoru had sparred with Kenshin often, watched him fight even more often, but never had she seen him exhibit such speed, such calculated coldness, or such anger in a single move, let alone a match. She felt like she'd just watched a match performed by a complete stranger. Kenshin was her best friend and she suddenly felt like she knew nothing about him.

Chills trickled down her spine as a trophy was presented to Kenshin which he respectfully handed to Hiko. She watched as her sensei leaned down to murmur something in the redhead's ear. Kenshin bowed deferentially before walking off the mat. The crowd parted for him as he passed, the Red Sea before Moses. Kaoru was struck then by how eerily silent the combat floor was. She watched Kenshin's bobbing red ponytail disappear through the crowd before pushing herself off her bearer's shoulders. Sano called after her but she'd already disappeared.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru stood outside the boys' locker room for all of two seconds before determinedly striding inside, all the while quietly whispering "Please no naked guys, please no naked guys." She need not have worried as the room was deserted. Most likely all the combatants were still gathered around the ring gossiping about Kenshin's victory.

Kenshin was easy enough to locate. His bright red hair caught the harsh yellowed lighting even though he'd placed himself in a corner of relative darkness right next to the showers. His head was bent forward and his sweaty bangs formed a curtain about his face. Kaoru considered his bowed form for a moment before turning to the ice machine she'd spotted in the corner. A plastic bag dispenser near it was noted and she took a bag and filled it with ice before wrapping it in a thin cotton rag, also located in the general vicinity apparently for this use. With an increasing amount of trepidation, she approached Kenshin and knelt before him.

He started when she pushed his bangs behind his ear, his eyes flashing up to her as one hand brought his sword forward as though he intended to attack. She remained motionless as recognition lit his features and he allowed his sword to sink listlessly back to the ground, his head again drooping. His eyes caught her notice so odd was their coloring. It was as though someone had taken an amethyst and dipped it in tree sap, so purple shone through under a cast of bronze-gold hue. She'd never seen his eyes quite like that before.

With more confidence than before, she reached up and pressed the ice to his already swelling cheek. He winced as cold connected with feverish flesh. Kaoru matched his wince in sympathy. Blood had not stopped trickling from his nose and she wondered if it was broken. Carefully she began to apply pressure to his cheek, just enough that the ice covered the entirety of the wound, but not enough to hurt him…or at least she'd thought so. Kenshin shoved her wrist away so suddenly that she reeled back from him and fell on her bottom, but he hadn't been quite quick enough. She'd still felt bone shift under her hand from the pressure she'd applied.

"Kenshin, we need to take you to the doctor. You're hurt worse than you let on."

"Leave it," he murmured quietly, turning his face away from her, further into the shadows.

"But…"

"I said leave it!" he told her, his words biting and harsh.

"Kenshin…"

He shook his head and rose, moving away from her so that he could pace.

"I'll be fine."

Slowly she rose to her knees, watching his tense pacing. He seemed to her like a caged tiger, all energy and nothing to rip apart. The very idea was hateful to her. But at the same time, this was Kenshin. He, of all people, would never ever hurt her.

"Hiko will insist and you know it."

"He won't insist if he doesn't know," Kenshin said, his eyes darting sharply to her in warning.

"You and I both know I'll tell him. Don't even try to stop me," she snapped, angered at the idea that he would ask her to keep something so serious from his guardian.

"Don't Kaoru. Just…don't." His mood change caught her completely off-guard—one moment anger and the next pleading.

"Kenshin…why not?"

"Because I don't deserve it." His voice was so definitive, so completely sure on the matter that she almost didn't question him.

"Why not?"

He laughed bitterly, an odd sound coming out of such a young and generally happy person. "You saw the match. You saw exactly what happened. God, Kaoru! I…I lost it. I lost it completely in front of all those people because of one little illegal move."

"Kenshin! That was not a 'little illegal move.' He could have seriously hurt you. He did seriously hurt you! A little higher and he could have put you in a coma, even killed you if there was enough force behind the blow!"

She was standing in front of him now, stance wide and defiant as she shouted him down. "And you think what you did was 'losing it?' What I'm doing right now is losing it! Stop the stupid self-deprecation and listen to reason! We are going to a doctor and we are going right now! Now take this ice and hold it on your cheek or I swear I will duct tape it there."

She presented the ice bag to him with unquestioning force. Kenshin looked warily from the bag to her, as though one or the other might bite him if he made any sudden moves, which on Kaoru's part might have been partially true. Then, with just a touch of a bitter smile on his face, he took the bag of ice and pressed it to his cheek. Kaoru snatched his sword hand and began forcefully yanking him out of the locker room, just as a torrent of boys entered to change. The boys paused in their stampede at the sight on an angry thirteen-year old girl storming towards them with a champion swordsman in tow.

"Get the hell out of my way," she hissed through clenched teeth.

They got out of the way.

* * *

_Author's Notes: _waves the white flag _So, I gave you two chapters at once. Does that mean I won't be murdered? About the interludes: I know I said they'd be every three chapters or so, but then I realized if I did that, I'd probably finish the story before I got all the interludes in. Thus, we have this tidbit for you all. I'm playing with the ages a bit, but I think you can all live with that, right?_

_In the last chapter, please note I did have a tiny little true story in there. At the very end of the chapter I mention a desert girl who was hanged by her people for marrying without permission; her lover was hanged with her. This is based on a factual event I learned of while interviewing an Iraq veteran. He said it was one of the most haunting images he carried away with him when he left. Just something to chew on._

_On updating: These last two months have been hell for me as far as writing goes. My schedule has not permitted that I do anything I might actually want to do most days of the week, if not all. Things will be dying down now that marching season has come to a close and the last performance of our fall play is finished. At the same time, I am still inhumanly busy, so bear with me if you don't see another chapter again for a while. I'm doing my best._

_And finally, a big huge thanks to each and every reviewer, even if you left approximately three words. I still appreciate those blurbs because they let me know that someone enjoyed this enough to click the button and say something. To all reviewers and readers I thank you greatly and ask that you oblige my ego and click the button again. Thanks all so much!_

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	8. On a Road Less Traveled

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is _completely fictional. _Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, _do not flame me for them._ Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful._ _Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are._

_Warnings: Mild language and decided OOC-ness. (I have good reason, I promise.)

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_

**Shards of Me**

Chapter V: On a Road Less Traveled

Kaoru dashed down the street with shoulders hunched and head ducked. It was bad enough that she had played hooky from her teaching to come out here this afternoon, but she felt like a fugitive coming here—like she was betraying him, but she had to know. Tucking further into her coat she opened the door to the office and stepped in. An electronic bell sounded through the tiny entrance, cold and mechanical. She shrugged out of her coat apprehensively and retrieved from its pocket a tiny sheet of paper she'd scrounged out from the drawer stuffed with his old letters.

This particular letter was the one she had read the most. It had been folded and refolded so much that the words were fading at the creases. In a few places the ink was smudged from the tears she'd cried when she first received it from him. Again she read the line that had brought her here. _"My commander, Lt. Saitoh, is also coming home, though his is only leave for a month. He's a very cynical man, but good at heart I think."_

Taking a deep breath Kaoru stepped into the main office. A young, smiling man sat behind the desk, dressed in a formal uniform of deep blue. He looked up as she entered. "Greetings, miss. How can I help you?"

She smiled shyly and not a little apprehensively—his grin unnerved her—and quietly asked, "I was wondering if you might be able to tell me were I could find Lt. Saitoh."

The boy's eyebrows scrunched in a frown, though he continued to smile through it. "Might I inquire as to the reason miss?"

"My…fiancé just finished duty overseas and I'm worried about him. He served under Lt. Saitoh and I was hoping I could talk to him about some of my concerns."

"Miss, I'm sorry but…"

"Let the girl in, Soujiro."

Kaoru glanced up from the boy to the man she hadn't even noticed enter the room. He was tall and lean, dark hair slicked back from an angular face. A few stray bangs fell into golden eyes that reminded her eerily of Kenshin at his angriest. He smirked at her as she studied him.

"Yes, sir," Soujiro snapped, immediately jumping up and saluting. "Miss, this is Lt. Saitoh."

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance," the man drawled, looking bored and disinterested. "Soujiro, call Anji. I need to discuss some things with him about his latest supplies requests."

"Yes, sir," the boy snapped again, immediately sitting to type madly at the computer. The taller man gestured for her to follow and she felt she didn't have much choice in the matter.

"So, you're Himura's fiancé?" he asked over his shoulder as they walked down a short sparse hallway.

"No, sir. I said that because I really did need to talk to you about him."

The man glanced sharply back at her before a smirk grew on his lips. "You must be that friend of his he was always going on about. Clearly he wasn't lying when he said you were a firecracker."

"Kenshin said that about me?" she murmured as he turned into an office. Saitoh didn't deign to reply, instead motioning her to a chair before shutting the door firmly. He took his sweet time in strolling to his own chair, sitting down, and shuffling several papers before setting them aside to fix his dangerous gaze on her.

"So you're worried about Himura, eh? How so?"

She squirmed nervously under his piercing gaze (did the man even know how to not glare?) before beginning hesitantly. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but all soldiers returning from active duty are given classes and psychiatric care to help them cope with returning to the real world, right?"

"Correct."

"And Kenshin was given such care?"

"You just said yourself all soldiers are given such treatment."

"Right, umm…"

"Are you concerned about his state of mind?"

"You could say that."

Saitoh held up a hand to stop her from continuing before digging through the papers on his desk to pull out a manila file. He flipped it open just as she caught Kenshin's name written on the tab.

"'Himura, Kenshin,'" Saitogh began, "'Age 25. Height 5'1". Weight 108 lb. Psychiatric notes: Subject appears to be fully rehabilitated and ready for return to civilian status. Though his personality is more withdrawn than when he entered service, that is to be expected with all soldiers. Due to the nature of his duties, however, it is recommended that subject returns for psychiatric evaluations periodically. No more than six months should be present between evaluations. Subject cleared for honorable discharge.'

"He sounds just fine from his psych profile."

Kaoru digested his words for a moment before speaking again. "But I don't think he's fine. He…he's been having nightmares for one thing. And he hasn't been himself since he came back."

Saitoh raised an eyebrow at her before asking, "'Hasn't been himself' how?"

"It sounds foolish, I know, but…he won't talk to me. He won't tell me things when I know something is bothering him. He hasn't been sleeping well. I just…just…oh crap. This is hopeless, isn't it?"

Saitoh leaned back in his chair, flipping pages in Kenshin's profile and glancing at her appraisingly every once and a while. Finally he shut the file and placed his finger next to Kenshin's name.

"You see this little black line next to Himura's name?"

"Yes…" she said slowly, unsure of where he was going with this.

"It indicates the kind of missions he worked overseas. Black line only means one thing: black ops."

She nodded, not quite grasping his meaning. 'Black ops'—it was a term she'd heard in movies and never really thought about. Black operations, things the government kept under wraps, Area 51, crap like that. What the hell did any of it have to do with Kenshin?

"You say he's not talking to you. I take it he hasn't told you what his tour of duty overseas was like then?"

"No. He's always too vague. 'I was near such and such a city. The desert's not as hot as they make it out to be.' Things like that."

"Mmm…" Saitoh hummed, putting the file back in his pile of papers and quietly drawing a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. Kaoru frowned at the pack and opened her mouth without thinking. "Should you really be smoking those when you're still in the service?"

Saitoh glanced at the pack and back at her before extracting a cigarette with deliberate slowness and placing it in his mouth. "Sometimes," he told her with a cold smirk, "we need a vice to keep us going. It's really none of your business what I happen to choose as mine."

He pulled out a zippo and flicked the silver lid open, lighting the cigarette and blowing an acrid cloud of smoke in her face. "As for your boy, Himura, if he hasn't told you what he did overseas, it's really not my place. I'll call him and speak to him about seeing a therapist who specializes in PTSD. I think I know just the woman. In the meantime, he won't ever tell you anything if you don't ask him to. That's really all that's in my power."

Kaoru nodded, glancing back at Kenshin's file and quietly wishing there was some way she could sneak it out with her. She had a feeling that in that seemingly innocent folder lay the exact reason why Kenshin was hiding from her, why he had the scar on his face, what he'd done for the last three years.

"Since you apparently don't take subtle hints," Saitoh growled, shaking her from her thoughts, "that was a dismissal. Get out of my office."

Kaoru stared at him with her mouth hanging open for all of two seconds before glaring fiercely and storming out the door slamming it grandly behind her. The moment she'd stepped out, Saitoh picked up his phone and dialed a number. He waited three rings before it was picked up. "Himura? There's something you might want to know about."

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin flipped his cell phone shut with a frown dressing his face and a glint of amber in his eyes. He'd known Kaoru was up to something, but he hadn't quite expected anything so…sharp. Against his better judgment, he admired her effort. He'd seen more than a few first year troopers nearly wet themselves when faced Hajime Saitoh, but she'd stood her ground. Not only that but she'd also managed to glean more information than he was comfortable with from the lieutenant. Now he was faced with several problems.

He knew that she would come home and confront him. It was not Kaoru's way to brood. If there was something bothering her, she confronted it. It was the way she'd dealt with things even before she knew him, from school yard bullies to a sexist college professor, she'd faced every one of them down. His foremost problem was that he didn't want that confrontation to come.

He did not want to fight with Kaoru. He admired her when she was angry, but also feared her. She was beautiful when fiery with anger. With the sexual tension built between them, he feared what his actions might be. A fight between them would end one of two ways: he'd storm out and not come back or he'd jump her and take her to her bedroom.

His next problem was that Kaoru would do her damnedest to wheedle what she wanted to know from him. He'd evaded her questioning too long and was now faced with what her punishment could be. And the worst part of this was that he knew he deserved it. Hiding from her had never been his way and keeping himself from her was taking its toll.

Most of all, if the tension snapped, if he did sleep with her, he feared he wouldn't be able to leave her, and that just wasn't fair to Kaoru. She did not deserve to be anchored down by a man so steeped in blood and regrets that he had trouble seeing the good in life. She needed someone to laugh with.

He found himself with essentially two options. He could stay and face her, which was not exactly his most favored idea. Or he could call Sano and ask to stay with him and Megumi until he could get a place of his own. With a sigh, Kenshin flipped his cell open again.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru made her way home very slowly. Though Lt. Saitoh hadn't been exceptionally helpful to her, he had given her a little food for thought. Kenshin had been in black ops. The very idea seemed ludicrous. Kenshin had worked on secret government operations? Her Kenshin? She'd had enough trouble picturing him in the military in the first place. Never mind trying to see him doing things the government didn't want the rest of the world to know about.

Now she had to think about how she was going to confront him with this information. Honesty seemed the best policy, but she wasn't sure how to even start a conversation like that. _"So Kenshin, I talked to your commanding officer and found out you were involved in secret government work. Want to talk about it?"_

But how could she possibly be subtle? Was there even a right way to go about doing this or were they all equally horrible? She desperately wanted to sit down at some coffee shop to think about her situation but at the same time felt a certain urgency in her chest. What were the chances of losing her nerve? Extremely good.

She had no plan, but she had her resolution. It had always served her well in the past. Quietly, her chin determined, she sped her pace to return to her home—to return to Kenshin.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin frowned at his phone and flipped it shut. Sano was answering neither his home phone nor his cell. It left Kenshin at a loss for what exactly he could do. He could always stay at a hotel for a night. He wasn't exactly short on money, though the amount he did have would only get him so far. Resolutely, he turned to his room to start packing.

He'd only just started packing his clothing when the doorbell rang. He resisted the urge to swear loudly and rushed down the hallway to the intercom.

"Kamiya residence," he spoke, trying to keep frustration from his voice.

"Himura? Is Kaoru with you?"

Kenshin's brows knit together as Aoshi's voice filtered through over the static. "No," he said slowly.

"Good. Come down. You and I are going out for coffee."

"Aoshi, this really isn't a good…"

"You seem to think you have a choice in the matter, Himura. Get down here."

The man's icy voice brokered absolutely no argument and Kenshin had little doubt that he would storm the apartment building and drag him out by the hair if need be. While a duel with Aoshi might be somewhat interesting, it would also be extremely dangerous. With a soft sigh of frustration, Kenshin snatched his coat and slipped out of Kaoru's apartment.

Aoshi was waiting for him, leaning against the side of the building as still as a statue. His eyes flickered open as Kenshin emerged from the building. Without a word, the taller man began walking to a silver BMW parked in one of the visitor's spots. Kenshin followed, feeling more and more nervous by the second. Aoshi didn't say much, but if one knew how to read him, it was easy to see exactly what he was thinking. Kenshin could hardly remember a time when he'd seen the man so pissed off.

The car ride to the coffee shop was silent and tense. Every once and a while, Kenshin glanced sideways at Aoshi but the man was cut off and isolated in a way he normally refrained from doing around friends. His body was rigid, eyes dull with only sparks of fury to light them.

A short ride later, Aoshi parked the car and stepped out, stalking into the shop without even waiting for Kenshin. By the time the redhead had come into the building, Aoshi was already holding two styrofoam cups of steaming coffee. He seated himself at a booth and looked pointedly at Kenshin and then the seat across from him.

Kenshin seated himself slowly, accepting the coffee from Aoshi but not daring to drink quite yet. The taller man took one sip of scalding coffee before pushing the cup away almost violently.

"For Kaoru's sake, I didn't do this at the club. Now however…" His voice was quiet and had nearly no modulation in its tone. He glared at Kenshin, icy eyes coming alive with a fury that surprised the redhead.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

He paused a moment and Kenshin almost began to answer, but Aoshi started up again. His voice changed from monotone to passionate, a tone Kenshin had never heard in Aoshi outside of the courtroom.

"You know most of us don't agree with that war, Kenshin. You didn't even talk with us about it. You didn't say goodbye to anyone but Kaoru. You never wrote. You disappeared for three years from our lives and left us to pick up the tattered pieces. And for what? A tainted government hell bent on getting as much oil as possible as cheaply as possible at the expense of human lives? I thought you were better than this."

"And I thought you were one to hear out both sides of an argument before taking sides," Kenshin shot back quietly, allowing just a touch of venom to creep into his voice. "Do not judge what you do not know, Aoshi."

"Then tell us, Kenshin! For God's sake! Don't think we haven't noticed the changes in you. You're colder, withdrawn even. Sometimes you're worse than I am. Not to mention that scar on your face. How many scars do you have that we can't see? Damn it, make me understand!"

"I don't know if I can."

"Try," Aoshi insisted, an unusual amount of emotion showing through his cold exterior.

"I don't even know where to begin."

"Try the beginning."

"I don't think I can tell you everything."

"Try," he said again, his voice even more insistent.

Kenshin sighed and contemplated his coffee. Where did the beginning even begin? Maybe the day he decided to sign up? His mind flashed to various moments in the weeks that had led up to his departure, as he'd quietly signed away his soul.

"It…it started with a man who came in to give a talk at the university. My old professor contacted me because he thought I might be interested in hearing what the speaker had to say. He was a philosopher studying the nature of human strife. The talk he was giving was to be a discussion of differing points of view in war with introspection into how each side views the other. He'd been overseas and traveled through the whole of the Middle East interviewing commoners and terrorists and people in places of power to hear their views. Then he did the same thing in the States.

"The talk he gave…it was amazing. It's hard to see things from the opposite point of view. It just…made me think. I started researching the war, trying to search through the political propaganda and into the heart of things. The conclusion I came to was that I could do the most good by joining the war and offering my services in such a way that maybe more lives could be saved."

He paused for a moment, wondering if Aoshi had heard enough to be satisfied. A quick glance at the taller man told him that Aoshi was thinking on his words, chewing them slowly and then digesting them to be carefully placed in a corner of his brain reserved specifically for introspection at a later point in time. Icy eyes glanced at him and silently commanded him to continue. Kenshin repressed a sigh and took a deep breath, carefully editing the information he would give Aoshi.

"At basic, one of the officers noticed I had a martial arts background. He asked me to spar with him. His name was Lieutenant Hajime Saitoh. Toughest opponent I've ever sparred with. When we finished our match, he took me to his office and gave me an offer to join a special squad under his command. He explained the purpose of the squad and what I'd be doing. It was what I'd been looking for—something where very few civilians would be in danger and I could make a difference in getting the war over more quickly. I took his offer, but it was not exactly…I wasn't as prepared for it as I thought I was."

He stopped talking, staring into his coffee and idly noting that it was slowing tinting red. The ghost scent of copper touched his nose and he had to resist the urge to push his coffee away.

Aoshi stared at him, aware that there was more to the story but unsure whether he should demand to hear it. One look at Kenshin's face, though, told him he had already pushed his limits as far as this particular subject was concerned.

"Why didn't you say goodbye or write?"

Kenshin gave a bitter smile. "I was ashamed. It was as simple as that. I knew how you all felt about the war. I…didn't want to…it seemed like it was for the best."

"But you said goodbye to Kaoru," Aoshi pointed out, his eyes trained sharply on the redhead's features to watch his reactions.

Kenshin stiffened and turned his eyes downward. When he spoke it was barely above a whisper. "I…I wanted to see her one last time, to try to make her understand. It…" he trailed off, unsure what he was trying to say.

"You're still in love with her."

Kenshin glanced up sharply to see Aoshi sipping out of his coffee and looking quiet smug, though no smile touched his lips.

"What do you mean 'still?'" the redhead asked, his eyes guarded.

"Kenshin, one would have to be both blind and deaf to not see how much you cared for her before you left…and how much you still care for her now."

For a long time Kenshin was silent. He always thought he did a good job of hiding his feelings for Kaoru. He'd been careful to try and date around, though he never allowed it to go very far after what Tomoe did to him. He'd never made any romantic advances towards Kaoru. So how had anyone noticed? Perhaps he hadn't been as careful as he thought.

Finally, almost absently, he said, "I kissed her."

"Yes, at the club. I saw it."

"No, not there. That was close, but not there."

Aoshi was silent, but he raised a brow inquiringly.

"I…had a nightmare. She was in it. When I woke up she was right there and I just…I didn't even think."

"Understandable."

"She's angry with me, though."

Again, silence. Aoshi was never one to use unnecessary words.

"I pushed her away."

At this the taller man frowned. "I've never understood why you hide your love from her. She cares deeply for you and she was the one who tried to initiate the kiss at the club."

"I don't deserve her," Kenshin murmured as he took a sip from coffee that tasted of blood. "I'm not going to stay in her apartment anymore. She's determined to try and help me and she just…can't. And the sexual tension between us is so bad I'm afraid I'm going to jump her with or without her permission."

Aoshi stared at him for a long while before leaning forward to rest his chin on his interlaced fingers. "I think you underestimate her."

Kenshin shook his head and quietly sipped more of the coppery coffee.

"Before you decide whether or not to move out, there's something you should know. If you still want to move out after I tell you, you can come stay with Misao and I until you find a place."

Kenshin looked up worriedly. He had a feeling he wouldn't like this news of Aoshi's one little bit.

"Some things are for Kaoru to tell, but I can share a little with you. After you left she…had a mental breakdown, for lack of a better term."

Kenshin's eyebrows shot up in surprise and he nearly dropped his coffee. Of all the things he'd been expecting to come out of Aoshi's mouth, that was probably the last.

"For a week, she staid in her apartment and didn't come out. Her place of work at the time fired her before we realized something was wrong. She didn't eat or drink and didn't sleep unless exhaustion took her. She wouldn't even speak. All of us tried to snap her out of it, but nothing worked. We started talking about sending her to the hospital. Finally Megumi went in there. I don't know what she said, but it got Kaoru to come out.

"After that, she wasn't the same. For weeks on end, all of us hovered over her and forced her to live. That was when we found out you'd left. It was our conclusion that your departure was the cause of her state of distress, but she insisted it had nothing to do with you."

Kenshin was stunned, speechless even. Kaoru, his Kaoru, had shattered because of him? He found it impossible to swallow. She was strong. Much stronger than he was. Yet he'd caused her to break. The world faded away from him and all he could see was her shattered, shadowed face on the night he turned and left her. _You broke her,_ his mind hissed at him.

Resolutely, he looked up at Aoshi. "Take me back to her apartment," he whispered harshly, eyes glinting gold in the light of the evening.

The ride home was completely silent. Aoshi didn't speak because he didn't feel it necessary and Kenshin didn't speak because his mind was still turning over his newfound knowledge about Kaoru. It seemed so impossible to him that Kaoru, his bright, happy Kaoru, could ever lose the will to live. The very idea did not mesh with her character. And yet he knew he could trust Aoshi's word at the very least.

All thoughts of moving out of her apartment had already been shoved away in this knowledge. He would get to the bottom of this before the night was done if he had anything to say about it. Aoshi pulled up in front of the building and let him out. As Kenshin turned to shut the door, he leaned down for a moment.

"Thanks, Aoshi."

"Not at all, Himura."

"Just out of curiosity, why were you so angry when you picked me up?"

"It's not often Kaoru comes to our doorstep and bursts into tears. It's not her style," Aoshi told him shortly, eyes flashing. Kenshin thought for a moment and realized Aoshi must have meant Sunday when she'd disappeared for a while.

"I'm sorry, Aoshi. We've both been…I mean…"

"I understand, Himura. But know this. If you break her again, I will kill you."

Kenshin acknowledged the threat with an understanding nod and shut the car door. He turned on his heel with amber fire in his eyes. He and Kaoru had a great deal to talk about.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin approached the doorstep of the apartment with a thousand thoughts on his mind. Those thoughts were momentarily dispelled when a familiar voice shouted, "Kenshin!" just before a body collided with him. He was barely coherent enough to catch his balance as he attempted to identify the person currently embracing him with all the strength of a small bear.

After a moment he managed to stutter, "Ya…Yahiko?"

He had completely forgotten the boy, who was no longer such a boy, was visiting today. _Crap!_ his mind said, _crap, crap, crap. I'm not ready for this._

"Kenshin," Yahiko said again, disentangling himself from the older man, "it's so good to see you."

Kenshin managed to summon a smile and said, "And you also Yahiko. You certainly have grown." He nearly grudged the young man that, as Yahiko now stood about five inches taller than his own 5'1". Though the boy's features had gotten older, they were still recognizable. Mischievous brown eyes still shown out from a startlingly tan face framed by eternal bed head.

"You guys were supposed to be home when I got here," Yahiko pouted, completely avoiding Kenshin's small talk.

At that, Kenshin's eyebrows went up in surprise. "Kaoru's not home yet?"

"Well, if she is, she's not answering the buzzer."

Kenshin's frown deepened and he stepped around Yahiko to try the door. She may have been visiting Saitoh, but that still shouldn't have kept her away for too long. Pressing the buzzer he spoke into the intercom. "Kaoru, are you home?"

He removed his finger and waited a moment. No one answered. "I must have beat her home," he murmured, more to himself than to Yahiko.

"Don't tell me you don't have a key," the teenager groaned.

Kenshin had the good grace to blush a rather impressive red as he turned back to Yahiko. "Kaoru hadn't gotten around to getting a copy from the superintendent yet."

Yahiko snorted before sitting down on the step. "Guess we're waiting for her then."

"I suppose," Kenshin sighed, sitting down next to the boy. They each sat on the doorstep, sneaking glances at the other and trying to decide what to say.

"How has school been?" Kenshin asked after a moment.

"Oh…it's school. I hate chemistry, but I have to take it."

"Have you decided what you'll major in?"

"Not really. I've thought about a couple of different things. Physical therapy, chiropractor, those sorts of things."

"Whatever happened to becoming the best kendo instructor this city has ever seen?"

"I figure once I've built up enough money from those jobs, I'll retire and open a dojo. Can't start a dojo without capital."

"I suppose," Kenshin murmured, trying to think of something to keep the conversation on Yahiko and not on himself.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" he asked after a moment, noting the blush that immediately sprang on the boy's cheeks.

"She's…ah…well she's not really my girlfriend."

"Oh, then what is she?"

"Well, she works at Tae's restaurant as a waitress and we've kind of gone a couple of dates, but…I mean…"

Kenshin laughed softly as Yahiko became more flustered. "It's alright, Yahiko. I won't demand any details."

Yahiko grinned sheepishly, running a hand through his hair and furthering its disheveled state. They settled into their slightly uncomfortable silence again as Yahiko gathered his courage back up and Kenshin grasped for another inane question. Yahiko, apparently, made himself more coherent first.

"Why'd you leave?" he asked softly, gazing at the setting sun instead of at the man he was questioning.

Kenshin was also silent, contemplating the sunset and exactly how close to the shade of blood it really was. "I left…" he said after a moment, "…I left because I felt that I was doing the right thing. I thought I was doing the thing that would save the most innocent lives."

Yahiko blinked, glancing sideways before turning his gaze back to the west. "I don't think I understand."

Kenshin sighed before turning to the younger man with a rueful grin. "I hope you never do."

"But I want to understand."

Another sigh came from the redhead. "Sometimes, you are presented a path where there is no right answer. I chose the path that I thought would help the most people, even though I was doing things I knew my friends might not necessarily agree with."

"Kenshin, I'm not a little kid anymore. Say it plainly."

Silence followed the statement. For so long, Kenshin simply hid behind his bangs. Yahiko began to think the older man might not answer. Finally, soft words came from behind the fiery curtain of hair.

"This world is a messed up place, Yahiko. We're fighting a war we shouldn't be in for reasons that are invalid to everyone but those who profit from them. But just because the cause is wrong, doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. There are people over there who had no part in any of the wrongs their government committed. And they are suffering. I left to help those people, even if it meant killing in the process. I believe I did what was right for the world, even if it might not have been the best for me."

Yahiko remained quiet for a moment and Kenshin hoped the boy wouldn't say anything more, but he did. "You once told me that no person's life is worth another life. That no person deserved to be killed, no matter what it was they did wrong. Does this mean you don't believe that anymore?"

Kenshin's hackles rose at the question. It was one of the things he'd tried very hard not to think about as he traversed the deserts on his missions. Was the one person he was killing, was their death really comparable to the lives he might be saving. Could one person be sacrificed for the greater good? But then, had not his sanity been sacrificed for the greater good, also?

Minutes passed and Yahiko let them pass in silence. Either Kenshin would answer or he wouldn't.

At long last, so quietly it was nearly a whisper, Kenshin spoke. "I don't know, Yahiko. But…I'd like to think…that other people will believe it more strongly than ever now."

Yahiko nodded. He turned his face back to the sunset, identifying the car coming down the road as Kaoru's. Kenshin was not the man Yahiko remembered. But that didn't make him a bad man, either.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru pulled up to her apartment building without really seeing it. Her mind was in a state of infinite loop still completely caught in Saitoh's office. On the one hand, her mind vehemently denied everything the lieutenant had told her, dismissing it as no more than a vindictive and bitter man out to make her more paranoid than she already was. On the other hand, she didn't really think that Saitoh would lie to her if he thought the truth was much more devastating. He seemed to be the type that would enjoy other people's misery. Slowly she stepped from the car and fumbled to place her keys in her purse. A shadow fell in her line of vision and she looked up distractedly only to drop her keys when she was faced with burnished gold.

Kenshin faced her, his face stony and his eyes narrow and cold. In the dying sunlight, his skin was tinged red and his hair darkened to copper. She watched the metallic strands float from his face in the chill autumn wind and catch the light in hypnotizing patterns. They might have faced each other like that until the sun set if not for the audience they had.

"Hey, Ugly! It's about time you showed up."

Kaoru started again and peered over Kenshin's shoulder at Yahiko. The boy glared at her pointedly and made some sort of frantic motion that she interpreted as "hurry up already." Absently, she knelt down, looking anywhere but Kenshin as she retrieved her keys.

Her frozen mind kick-started as she managed to grasp the right key. One look at Kenshin's face told her everything she needed to know. He knew exactly what she'd done. She didn't even question her assumption. What else had she done that would warrant the chill she could sense permeating the air between them?

Kaoru brushed past Kenshin without looking at him and hurried on to Yahiko. "Move out of the way," she commanded without any real anger. The young man stepped aside and cast a curious glance between the two. It was as though with Kaoru's arrival the very temperature of the air had dropped five degrees. As he glanced at Kenshin he saw a flash of indistinct gold that he'd only ever witnessed once before.

Yahiko's eyes narrowed, his brows knitting together as the tension increased. Kenshin had changed. So had Kaoru. But Yahiko had never felt anything like this between them before. He didn't like the feeling. He began carefully filing information in a mind still razor sharp from life on the streets. Sano would be hearing from him soon.

Kaoru opened the apartment door and ushered both men in without meeting either set of eyes. She sidled in behind them and allowed the door to shut before hurrying up the stairs. She felt Kenshin and Yahiko behind her but didn't look back.

In the evening shadows Kaoru felt odd, like she was a stranger sneaking into her own apartment. Everything seemed so wrong, so absolutely alien. Suddenly she wanted to be fifteen again, back before everything had started going wrong. She wanted to be in her old house where memories of her mother still lingered and her father was readily available for any comfort a hormonal teenage girl might need. Where Kenshin, though unattainable, was someone she trusted with anything and everything.

The stifling urge to just turn tail and run back to her car, to just keep driving until her mind emptied of all the thoughts of war and death and loneliness were mere memories in a peaceful mind. But she was too much of a coward for that. Much too much of a coward.

* * *

_A/N: Greetings everyone. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. There have been some rough patches in my life of late, all of which have not been exceptionally conducive to a writing environment. However, I'm hoping for a turn in the weather, as it were. I think the desire to write is finally coming back. The back story between Kenshin and Tomoe will be revealed shortly. It will be of a non-canon flavor and I'm going to apologize in advance for that. And, as a last note, this chapter is 15 pages in word, so I hope that makes up for my absence._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	9. Third Interlude: The Girl Who Wasn't

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is completely fictional. Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, do not flame me for them. Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful. Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are._

* * *

**Shards of Me**

Third Interlude: The Girl Who Wasn't

* * *

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Kenshin. Happy birthday to you."

"And many mooooooooore…" Sano bellowed over the rest, his tone-deaf addition making most of them cringe.

"Hurry up and blow out the candles, idiot. Can't be properly legal without that, can you?"

"Thanks, shishou. I'm glad your heart's in the right place."

"Make a wish and blow them out already, Kenshin," Kaoru said, smiling brightly as Kenshin turned to the cake.

Kenshin took a deep breath and blew, most of the candles going out instantly.

"Geez Kenshin, I knew you were full of hot air, but…" Sano was cut off as Kaoru elbowed him in the ribs.

"Try and have a little tact, will you?"

Kenshin finished off the candles and his small group of friends clapped as he grinned up at them. A moment later, Hiko flipped on the lights and handed a carving knife over to Kenshin to cut the cake. "Happy birthday, Kenshin."

"Thanks, Hiko."

"Now, start packing your things. You're eighteen. That means you can move out."

Sano and Misao studied Hiko with trepidation, clearly believing the giant man's statement.

"Guys," Kaoru intoned at them, "he's kidding."

"Oh…I mean, yeah. Right."

As they bantered, Kenshin cut the first piece of cake and stood. Everyone quieted as he approached his girlfriend of six months.

Kaoru had never been exactly clear on the details of how Kenshin met Tomoe, but she remembered the distinctly the first time he'd introduced her to their close-knit circle. The girl was older than Kenshin by three years and all of them were leery of her icy appearance and slightly disdainful expression. Kaoru generally tried to avoid hating people on sight, but Tomoe had been an exception to that rule. From the get go, there was a kind of subtle competition between them two of them. Tomoe saw Kaoru as competition for Kenshin's affections and Kaoru saw Tomoe as the woman who turned her best friend into something he was not.

Kenshin spent less time with their circle and started hanging more with Tomoe's friends. He began partying a little more and a little harder, coming to Kaoru's house on more than one occasion to sit out drunkenness until he was safe enough to drive home. Kaoru had expressed quiet concern for Kenshin's changes, but had refrained from instigating any real fights. She was afraid of appearing as though she was simply trying to break up Kenshin and Tomoe, especially because Kenshin sensed the unease between the two girls.

Kaoru snapped back to the present as Kenshin began to speak.

"Tomoe, I've loved having you with me these past six months. You're a wonderful woman and I just want you to know that I care about you."

He offered her the cake and she took it, setting it aside so she could pull him into a kiss. "Happy birthday, sweetheart," she told him, her sentiment just not quite reaching her eyes. Kaoru was not the only one who looked less than happy at this display. None of their circle was overly fond of Tomoe and Sano and begun calling her the Frigid Bitch in Kenshin's absence.

"Thank you, Tomoe," Kenshin murmured, before turning and cutting another slice of cake. Kaoru felt a stab of guilt for her less than charitable feelings towards Tomoe. The older woman did make Kenshin happy, if nothing else.

Kenshin approached her with his next slice cake and she felt the blush immediately spring to her cheeks. "Kaoru, you've been my friend for five years now, but it seems like so much longer. Know how much I've appreciated having you there with me through thick and thin, even when I was being an ass."

He handed off the cake to her and kissed her cheek before she even knew what was happening. She felt her ears fire, a sure sign that the entirety of her visible skin was approximately the color of a beet. She stared dumbly at the cake in hand before glancing back up at Kenshin's retreating back. Over his shoulder, she saw Tomoe and her embarrassment quickly dissolved in light of other, similarly unpleasant emotions.

Tomoe was glaring at her with all the ice she could muster. Kaoru felt the hatred in that glare, and nearly shied away before remembering herself. She met Tomoe glare for glare and squared her shoulders, standing proudly. She felt Aoshi move in close to her shoulder and took comfort in his solid strength as he provided back-up against the older woman. Tomoe huffed and turned away as Kenshin presented another slice to Hiko. The tension was broken and Kaoru allowed her attention to return to the main event, quietly murmuring thanks to Aoshi as she did so.

Kenshin continued handing out slices of cake, saying a few grateful words to his friends with each slice. Finally, he took his own slice and Hiko popped a bottle of champagne, insisting that even though the teens, save Tomoe, were all underage, they deserved a little taste on this night in the name of celebration.

Some time later, they were all in the parlor dividing time between playing Misao's Dance Dance Revolution and Sano's Guitar Hero. Those not engaged in a video game were telling embarrassing stories at Kenshin's expense just to see how red he would turn. Hiko motioned to Kaoru as she stepped away from her turn at DDR and she sidled over.

"This has been great, Hiko. You know he really appreciates it."

"I know, Kaoru. I was just wondering how you're doing. That was some serious anger flying between you and Tomoe."

Kaoru blushed and ducked her head slightly. "Oh…you noticed."

"I'm amazed Kenshin didn't notice, it was that bad."

"I'm fine, Hiko. Tomoe just has difficulty believing that there's nothing but friendship between Kenshin and me, and it's a rubbing spot for her."

"I see. Well, try not to let her get to you. Frankly, I'd prefer you over her."

"Hiko!"

"It's the truth. At least you know how to smile."

"You are a very bad man."

"Aren't I?" he laughed. "Now, do me a favor and go pull out some more chips. Sano inhaled that last bag all by himself."

Kaoru smiled and nodded, ducking off to the kitchen. She'd just located the last bag of Dorito's when she heard footsteps behind her. She straightened and turned, a smile on her face, but the smile quickly melted when she saw who was giving her company.

Tomoe leaned against the doorframe, an ugly sneer on her face.

"Tomoe," Kaoru said curtly, moving to duck past the older woman. An arm across the doorframe stopped her.

"What do you think you're playing at?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"That little display with Kenshin earlier. Bet you loved that didn't you. You're pathetic…the way you pine after him."

"Tomoe, there is nothing between Kenshin and me beyond friendship."

"But you want there to be more don't you, you little skank?"

Kaoru frowned and snapped to her full height, her senses immediately going into combat mode as she prepared to lay one into Tomoe.

"I don't know where you get off, Tomoe. I care for Kenshin a great deal, but nothing in me would ever want to disturb the happiness he's found with you, no matter how much of a frigid bitch I think you are. So I recommend you reexamine your assumptions and decide quickly exactly how much bitchier you want to get. I've known Kenshin five years. You've known him six months. Whose opinion do you think matters to him more?"

Kaoru snapped Tomoe's arm up and away from the doorframe, part of her hoping that the shove she'd given had hurt. Tomoe followed her and hissed near her ear, "I think the opinion of the woman willing to screw him will matter more. So, better start screwing before I beat you to it."

Kaoru turned, her mouth open with shock and anger. Tomoe smirked and stalked past her, her waist length hair swaying in a decidedly haughty manner. "That…bitch…" Kaoru seethed. She waited a moment in the hallway to calm herself a bit before returning to the party proper. She deposited the chips with rather more force than necessary next to Hiko before turning to Kenshin. Tomoe, thankfully, was not draped around him. She was cornered on the other side of a room by a sugar-induced weasel.

Kaoru rushed up to Kenshin and gave him a quick hug. "Sorry, but I have to go. Dad called me home. Says he needs my help with something."

"Do you need a ride?" he asked, hand already shifting to his pocket for his keys.

"No…I think I'll enjoy the walk. Thanks for having me, Kenshin. I'll see you soon."

He raised a brow at her hasty retreat. Sano slid up beside him. "Want me to follow her and make sure she's ok?"

"Please. That wasn't like her at all."

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru began jogging almost as soon as she was out of Kenshin's house. She could feel the tears prickling in the corners of her eyes, but refused to let them fall. She jogged three blocks before slowing at the park. On a spur of the moment decision, she slid into the park, immediately moving to her favorite old oak about thirty feet from the sidewalk. She touched the bark, running her hand over the surface and relishing in the slight pain that cleared the tears from her eyes. Slowly she turned and slumped against the trunk.

She'd only been sitting there a minute or so when she heard footsteps through the grass. "Great," she muttered, "not again." She looked up to meet whatever had come to torment her and felt slight relief as Sano approached.

He sat down next to her without a word and picked a fat blade of grass. Without pretense, he put the grass to his lips and whistled on it until the strange sound made her half-heartedly giggle. He removed the grass and looked at her, a small grin on his face. "So want to tell me what's up?"

She sighed and her smile disappeared.

"Is it something to do with Kenshin?"

"Indirectly…yes."

"Ah…the Frigid Bitch strikes again?"

She snorted before nodding and tilting her head downward.

"You want to talk about it?"

"What's the point? It's not like you can make her stop being a frigid bitch."

"But talking might help."

"Let's just say she implied…I mean…"

She paused a moment before taking a clearing breath. "No…I don't want to talk about it."

"If I guess, will you nod your head yes or no?"

"You won't guess."

"But that means I can try, right?"

"I suppose," she said, her voice listless with defeat.

"She accused you of trying to take Kenshin away from her."

Kaoru glanced sidelong at him before looking forward. "Were we really that obvious?"

"Are you kidding? I couldn't breathe past the anger in that room."

"Well, you're still stating the obvious. Everyone except Kenshin knows she thinks that."

"Well, what exactly did she say that sent you scuttling?"

"Let's just say it was how she said it."

"Something along the lines of 'You're a slut, but I'm a bigger one and sex is all that matters in this game?'"

"You shouldn't be this good at this."

"Girl fights about guys usually get around to sex sooner or later. Tomoe's sexy and she knows it. She also knows you're…young…and also insecure about where you stand with Kenshin. It makes sense she'd use it to her advantage in a fight."

"But that's not the part that bothered me. What bothers me is that she implied that sex is all that really counts with Kenshin. I don't think that's true. He's an emotional person, and an honorable one too. Even if they've…I mean…Loyalty would count more to him than physical desires. I'm worried that he's going to get hurt, especially if she really thinks what she said is true."

"Well, I hate to say this, but Kenshin could do with a little heartbreak in his life. He's only ever had girls throw themselves at him…except for you…and he's been damn lucky all those girls were half-decent. He's too trusting and he needs to learn that not everyone is as kind and understanding as you."

Kaoru stared at him, her mouth falling open. After a moment she spluttered. "Sano! I can't believe you just said that you insufferable ass! I'm going home. Don't you dare follow me." She jumped up from the tree and began stomping off. Sano grabbed her wrist just a few feet away.

"Kaoru, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes guys need to experience things that aren't so good for them so they'll realize how good they have it…so they'll see what's right in front of their noses."

"Whatever. Let me go." He let go and she stomped away, the clouds of steam pouring from her ears practically visible. It was only five blocks later that she realized Sano might have been implying that _she_ was that thing right in front of Kenshin's nose.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru woke slowly to the sound of tapping on the glass of her bedroom window. She blinked sleepily before rising, already knowing who would be there. "Kenshin," she murmured through a sleep-garbled mouth as she slid the window open. "So nice to see you at…" she tried to read her clock but couldn't quite get her eyes to focus. She woke up rather quickly though when she caught sight of his eyes. Fire burning in the darkness…something she'd only seen three times before.

"What happened?"

He looked at her sharply before padding across her floor to sit on her bed. She shivered in the wake of his presence before shutting the window. Very consciously, aware of his moonlit gaze on her, she moved to sit in her desk chair.

When she was settled, he opened his mouth and said one word. "Tomoe."

Kaoru glanced up sharply.

Kenshin looked as though he was capable of murder as he predatorily paced across her floor. Kaoru waited patiently for him to begin explaining. She understood his need for time to compose himself and was willing to wait all night. After a few minutes, he began to speak.

"After everyone left, we went to the spare room to watch a movie. She…I mean…it started off so nicely. She took off her sweater and started giving me a shoulder rub. You know how tense I am on days like this. When she sat back down we started making out."

Kaoru mentally cringed and tried to ignore the inner voice screaming in her head. The last thing she wanted to hear about was Kenshin and Tomoe's…physical relationship, but she usually tried not to let it show on her face when he talked about it.

"Then, things changed. She pulled my shirt off and she seemed…I don't know…desperate. And then her hand was…" he trailed off and Kaoru was presented with the rare paradox of Kenshin completely pissed off and completely embarrassed at the same time. "Anyway, I stopped her and asked her what exactly what she was doing. She pulled a condom out of her pocket and told me she was in love with me and wanted to show me how strongly she felt about me."

"Oh, Kenshin…did you guys…?"

"Being the stupid fucking moron I am? Of course we did."

Kaoru shifted awkwardly in her chair. She wanted to go over and hold him and comfort him, but given the circumstances it seemed like her best effort would only seem clumsy and ill mannered. So she staid where she was.

"I woke up about 1:00 and was alone so I pulled on my pants and wandered out to find her. She was in the living room on the phone and I stopped and listened for a minute."

Kenshin's pacing became faster, his steps clipped and harsh and eerily silent.

"She was talking to a guy about me. Told him she'd managed to sleep with me finally and was ready to go back to him. I kept listening and figured it out pretty easily. She started dating me to get back at the guy on the phone and by the time she made up with him she'd become obsessed with the idea of…I mean she really just wanted…She likes being with virgins."

Kaoru bit her lip to keep from standing up and demanding to see the woman immediately so she could beat the crap out of her. Instead, she continued listening. It wasn't as if she could do anything else for him.

"I confronted her in the living room and told her to get the hell out. She didn't even try to get me to forgive her. She grabbed her things and took off."

"Kenshin," Kaoru said softly as she stood, "none of this was your fault."

"I know that!" he snapped, eyes blazing as he rounded on her. Kaoru shrank back from the strength of his fury. He immediately backed away as his eyes took in her movements. Slowly, almost in a dream-like state, he returned to her bed and sat down. "Fuck," he murmured as he put his head in his hands.

Kaoru moved forward slowly again and sat next to him on the bed, carefully keeping considerable distance between them. "What…I mean…why…" She trailed off, unable to even voice her question.

Kenshin snorted derisively against his palms. "Who else would I talk to about this stuff? Sano would solve it with alcohol and Aoshi…who would talk to Aoshi about anything even remotely related to emotion. You're my best friend. How could I not come to you about it?"

"Do you…I mean…what can I do to help?"

He glanced up at her before giving half-hearted bitter laughter. "I don't need help. I just need you to listen."

She nodded and turned slightly towards him, closing some of the distance between them.

"I…how could she lie like that? How could I believe her? She told me she _loved_ me. And I fell for it."

Kaoru hesitated before speaking. "There's nothing wrong with believing in something, Kenshin, especially love. I think it says more about your character than hers that you believed her."

"That I'm an idiot?"

"No. That you are willing to place trust in things, even if that trust might end up hurting you in the end. What's better? Taking a risk for a greater reward or staying locked in a safe little box?"

He looked up at her, blinking slightly before giving her just the slightest half-smile. "You've known me too long," he murmured, "if you can appeal to my better nature in five sentences or less."

She returned his smile hesitantly before turning her eyes to her floor.

"I guess…it's really just bothering me because I gave her something I can't take back. I mean, I always thought that I'd have sex for the first time with the woman I truly loved and planned on spending the rest of my life with. Why did I give it away so easily?"

"Because you're human," Kaoru answered simply. "Even priests have sexual urges. Just look at a news headline. You're not expected to be superhuman. Also, think of it this way. It's not so much who you are with first as who you are with forever. Just because she was your first doesn't make her somehow different from other women you'll eventually date and maybe have sex with. What will set a woman apart from others is that she will be the one you want to wake up to every morning and go to bed with every night. Am I making sense?"

Kenshin looked sidelong at her before moving his gaze to her window. "You make sense. That doesn't stop it from hurting."

They sat on the bed together for a very long time with comfortable silence and understanding stretching between them. Finally Kenshin stood and shifted to her window. Kaoru followed him and lifted the pane open again.

"If it makes you feel any better," she said after a moment, "she was a bitch and you're too good for her."

Kenshin's mouth kicked up slightly in a grin. Then, before Kaoru could fully process what had happened, his arms were around her and his face was pressed against her shoulder and chest, just over her heart. "Thank you, Kaoru. I'm sorry about all of this, but…thanks."

Kaoru nodded carefully and slowly raised her arms up to lightly encircle his waist. "Anytime, Kenshin," she whispered. They remained locked together for several moments and it was only when Kaoru felt moisture soak through her pajama top that she realized he was crying. After a few more moments he pulled away, his hands on her shoulders.

It was one of those rare moments in time where everything slows infinitely. Breath stops, clocks still, and light dances at a slower pace. Electric knowledge passed through each of them and for the briefest moment, Kenshin considered kissing Kaoru. Kaoru felt knowledge wrap around her soul then, that she would never be able to see another man without looking for bits of Kenshin in him. Kenshin processed the sensations trickling through him and wondered if he'd even be able to hide this knowledge from her. Then he pulled farther away and was slipping out the window.

"Goodnight, Kaoru."

"Goodnight, Kenshin."

Only after they'd parted ways did each fully relax. Kenshin quietly locked his feelings away. He would not ruin what was between them. Kaoru did the same, allowing only a tiny sprig of hope to remain. Perhaps in time, whatever it was they'd had in that moment would be able to grow into something they could have for a lifetime. For now though…she would wait.

* * *

_A/N: Yes, I'm evil beyond words. I know. I'm terribly sorry. Let's just say all that free time I was expecting never happened. And once I did have free time, inspiration had completely and utterly fled. It came back tonight. Not sure how that happened. Cranked this out and am already nearly done with the next one. That being said, if you're still reading, please know that I appreciate you all very much for sticking with me for so long. I know I've kind of turned into one of those unreliable updaters, even though I did swear to myself that wouldn't happen. I have a couple other works in the stew pot, and I'm hoping working on those will in turn motivate me to write more of this, especially since someone has been so incredibly kind as to nominate it for RKRC. Thank you whoever you are._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	10. Fair Truth, Beautiful Lie

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is completely fictional. Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, do not flame me for them. Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful. Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are._

* * *

**Shards of Me**

Chapter VI: Fair Truth, Beautiful Lie

Kenshin, Kaoru, and Yahiko gathered around the table, a quick bowl of macaroni and cheese set before each. Tension hovered over the table, cut every once and a while by terse but necessary words that were meant to start a conversation but simply hovered endlessly in the air, dying away as the tension smothered them. Yahiko's eyes jumped between the two adults endlessly.

Kenshin stared at Kaoru with unblinking eyes that glowed faintly in the twilight of the kitchen. His knuckles were white as he gripped his fork and his mouth was set in a thin, razor-sharp line. Kaoru was looking anywhere and everywhere but Kenshin, her gaze mostly focused on the linoleum floor. Her movements were tiny and subdued, flighty like a bird, but also beaten like a chastised dog. Yahiko could only assume that tonight, of all nights, was not a night he should have been visiting for dinner.

However, he was here now and he was not going to let Kenshin and Kaoru's stupid guilt complexes get in the way of his reunion with the man who had been his hero for the last eight years. More often than not, the dying conversation was repeatedly resuscitated by his determination. Finally though, he could not take the taut silence.

The table clattered as he slammed down his fork and shot to his feet.

"Enough you two! Enough! I don't know what the hell's wrong between you, but I hardly ever get to see you anymore Kaoru, and I haven't seen you, Kenshin, in three damn years. So could you at least attempt, for one night, to pretend the world doesn't revolve around your guilt and talk to me?"

Kenshin's eyes went from brilliant amber to startled purple and his face fell slack in a way that might have been comical if the situation were different. Kaoru never stopped looking at the floor, but she jerked each time Yahiko accented a word in his already raised voice. The room froze as each person allowed the words to sink in, Yahiko's shaky breath echoing slightly in the suddenly less repressive air.

After a moment, the teenager sat down again. He picked up his fork before speaking. "So, Kenshin, have you been working on finding a job?"

oOoOoOoOo

Yahiko left two hours later, feeling both happy at seeing both his friends finally together again, but also incredibly worried about the way they'd acted around each other, even after his blow up. The tension had dissipated between them, but there had still been a tightly drawn line in their relationship. They were civil, but did not speak like friends. They touched, but only by accident. It seemed more like they were polite acquaintances, rather than intimate friends—people brought together only by their mutual friendship with him. He hated it.

The moment he was a block from Kaoru's apartment, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed a familiar number. _Please don't be at work yet, rooster head._

"Yahiko, you'd best make this quick," Sano growled from the other end of the line.

"It ain't gonna be quick, but it's damn important rooster head. Can you pick me up at that park near Kaoru's place? We need to talk."

oOoOoOoOo

The moment Yahiko left, Kaoru began gathering the dishes, her eyes magnetically repelled from Kenshin yet again. She felt like she was trying to avoid the eyes of a hypnotizing cobra. His hot, predatory gaze made her back shiver and her arms were covered with goosebumps. He'd never turned such a look on her before, and the very feel of it passing along her skin in indifferent anger made her desperately hope he never did again.

His silence was by far the worst. If he'd yelled, or even spoken in his quiet deadly tone, she might have been able to bear the brunt of his rage. This silence of accusation though, was breaking her down more quickly than anything else he could have thrown at her. He knew she'd speak long before he uttered more than a breath and all he had to do was wait out her guilt.

The sound of a dish shattering made them both jump. Kaoru stared at the shards of the plate scattered around her bare feet without really seeing them. Kenshin let forth a nearly inaudible sigh before rising and stepping to Kaoru. She visibly shrank from him as shards of porcelain cracked and scraped under his sneakers. Without a word, he lifted her by the waist up and away from the mess and set her down on the carpet of her living room. It was as he was retrieving a broom from the closet that she finally spoke.

"Please, Kenshin, say something," she whispered. "Anything."

"What's left to say, Kaoru?" he murmured as he began to sweep shards into a dustpan. "Didn't Saitoh tell you everything already?"

She felt tears gather in her eyes, even though she'd known he knew exactly who she had seen; the subtle tone of accusation in his voice still burned like bile down her throat.

"I didn't know what else to do. You wouldn't talk to me, and you're just…it's like you don't trust me anymore. I hate that feeling."

"It's not that I don't trust you," he said, looking up from his work. "It's that there are things you're better off not knowing. Surely you can understand that, since you seem to think there are things in your life I'm better off not knowing."

Kaoru frowned at the wording of his statement. Slowly, she began to comprehend. All the things she'd left out in her letters, hidden from him, it would seem he knew about anyway. The first tear slid down her cheek, silent and lonely.

"Who told you?" she whispered.

"Aoshi felt it was in my best interest to better understand what you were like while I was away."

"It wasn't his place."

"No, it was yours," he said sharply, looking up at her. "But you didn't tell me. He had to, in an effort to prevent my leaving again."

Kaoru felt like she'd been physically hit in the chest, but now anger was starting to rise in her breast as well. "Who are you to accuse me of withholding some of my life? My God, Kenshin! You were gone for three years and you come back with Japanese steel and a scar on your face and haunted eyes and you won't tell me a damn thing! What right do you even have?"

Kenshin didn't say a word, mostly because he knew she was right. He slowly returned to cleaning up the shards, not daring to meet her eyes. A moment later her door slammed shut. He flinched as the sound snapped through the air.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, _he berated himself in his mind.

Kenshin finished cleaning up the broken porcelain and dumped the shattered remains in the garbage. He could hear loud thumps coming from Kaoru's room, occasionally interspersed with a shouted swear word. She was beyond pissed right now, but later he knew, would come tears. Then, maybe, he could do something right.

To occupy himself while he waited for her anger to burn out, he did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen a bit.

A half-hour passed and the sounds of anger gradually died down. Finally, only silence pervaded the apartment. Kenshin flipped off the kitchen light and walked through the apartment with only the vague yellow haze of outdoor streetlights to help him find his way. He paused at Kaoru's door only a moment before quietly opening.

She was waiting for him, perched on the edge of her bed with her knees drawn to her chin and her arms wrapped around her shins. She watched him with glinting eyes, reflecting almost like a cat's in the poor light.

"Can we talk?" he asked, keeping himself in the threshold of her doorway with his hand still on the doorknob, giving her the slight impression that she had a choice in the matter.

"Only if it's an honest conversation. If I ask a question I want you to answer it truthfully and I'll return the courtesy. I also would ask that you not dodge a question. You can't avoid the truth forever if you don't expect me to either."

He considered briefly, lifting his hand off the doorknob just so. He knew Kaoru well enough to know that she would stop her questioning when he became too uncomfortable, but at the same time he also knew she would push his limits to better understand whatever Saitoh might have deigned to tell her. Finally he nodded and crossed the room, seating himself on the opposite edge of the bed so his back was to her and he faced her blinds and the clouded glass of the window beyond.

"You go first," he murmured, trying to gather his thoughts into some semblance of order, of sanity.

"What…what was the nightmare about?"

He froze. Of all the questions he'd been expecting, that was the last one. He hesitated. She'd said no dodging the question. "I…I dreamed of one of my missions. There was a man I was supposed to kill. No one told me he had a wife with him. She…she tried to protect him and I accidentally…I mean…"

He broke off and took a deep breath before beginning again. "I killed her. In the dream, she changed. Her face…it became your face. And…you died. Right there in my arms."

Kaoru was silent as the events of the night after the dream replayed in her mind, neatly falling into place as she fitted information into the gaps. The desperate way he'd held her, kissed her… In the haze left from the dream he'd thought he'd lost her. It all made such sense, such horribly logical sense.

Kenshin gave her a moment before he chose his next question. "Tell me what happened to you after I left."

Kaoru damned Aoshi under her breath before she began to answer. "When you left…God, how do I…you were the last constant I had in my life. I've known you for so long. When my dad died, I still had you and that made it bearable. When I thought I wouldn't be able to pay my way through college I still had you. And all of a sudden I didn't have you anymore. It was like what should have happened when my dad died, happened when you left instead.

"I just didn't…I didn't want to put up with life. I didn't want to think about class, or our friends, or eating, or sleeping. I just…stopped. For a week I holed up in here and Sano had to pick the lock to come in and get me. They sent Megumi in, God knows why. She slapped some sense into me, but there was still this void where you were supposed to be. I'd stay up late waiting for you to stop by until I realized you weren't there. I kept expecting you to turn up at the coffee shop after class. You took a part of me with you and left this big gaping hole and it hurt so damn much…"

She trailed off, realizing that she might have said too much, but she couldn't take the words back now. Kenshin remained on the other side of the bed, his shoulders stiff and pinched as her confession added more to the already immense load of guilt resting on his soul.

"Tell me what you did over there," she murmured after a moment, her voice tight and controlled.

He turned slightly to look over his shoulder at her. She was still tightly curled around herself, her head hunched and defeated. It was only fair that she know; it was justice wasn't it? Maybe she'd understand if he told her, why he couldn't bring himself to kiss her, to hold her. Better, maybe she'd hate him and kick him out. It would probably be better for them both in the long run. She could move on and he…he could pretend to be OK.

"Did Saitoh tell you anything about what I did?"

"He told me you were black ops. That was all he'd say though. He said it wasn't his place."

"What do you know," Kenshin said with bitter humor, "the bastard did something right."

He took a deep breath and began.

oOoOoOoOo

_Kenshin walked into the barracks and nervously tugged at his uniform. A few other recruits glanced at him, but most were already unpacking their few belongings. He followed their example and found an empty mattress slightly removed from most of the others. Strangers had never made him comfortable._

_Just as he'd finished pulling his sheets taut, a commanding officer shouted a command from the end of the barracks. "They say jump and we ask 'how high?'" he muttered as he shifted to the end of his bed and stood at attention. He could see two officers out of the corner of his eye. One seemed jittery and young, constantly barking at the recruits he passed to criticize some small defect his squinty eyes caught. The other officer was quiet, but the sneer he wore on his face more than made up for his lack of words. The quiet officer was tall and whipcord lean and appeared to be of Japanese descent, with prominent cheekbones and slanted, narrow eyes._

_The officers stopped in the center of the barracks, the jittery officer glancing nervously at the tall man and constantly shifting his weight. "Good day, men," the tall officer drawled, his eyes lazily scanning the crowd of fresh faces._

"_Good morning, sir!" came the instant and sharp reply from every man in the room._

"_My name is Lt. Hajime Saitoh. I will be the commanding officer of a special ops group currently in need of recruits. You are my lucky victims." Kenshin shivered at Saitoh's voice. The man spoke neither loudly, nor forcefully, but his voice was chill and scathing and strong enough to slide through the room like oil. "Those of you who have any previous form of close combat training, by which I mean boxing or the marshal arts, are to follow me immediately. The rest of you will begin basic immediately under Sgt. Lewis here. Enjoy your first day of hell ladies."_

_The lieutenant turned on his heel and began walking out of the hall, his gait balanced and smooth. At the doorway, he looked over his shoulder. "None of you have any close combat training?" His voice was mocking. Roughly fifteen of the recruits started at the quiet reprimand, Kenshin included. Those men quickly moved to follow Saitoh and he smirked at them before continuing out the door._

_xXxXxXxXx_

"_You will each be tested in your area of training. Based on skill level, I will decide whether or not I need you. Any questions?"_

_The recruits were silent, some of them glancing nervously at their fellows._

"_Excellent. Let's get started. Allow me to introduce my staff."_

_Six men stepped forward. All of them were dressed in regulation green camo and all of them had a contained strength around them that was distinct, and quite possibly deadly._

"_My officers are Sgt. Soujirou, Officer Raijutah, Officer Anji, Private Jineh, and Private Sagara. They will be your evaluating officers today. Anji and Sagara are my hand to hand specialists. The others all specialize in sword styles."_

"_Swords, sir?" asked one man standing near Kenshin._

"_Did I stutter?"_

_The soldier gulped before saying, "No, sir."_

_Saitoh smirked before wandering down the row. "Now, which of you worms would like to go first?"_

_The group of young men was silent._

"_No volunteers?"_

_Silence._

"_Then I suppose I'll have to pick. Since you were feeling so inquisitive, Private…?"_

"_Long, sir."_

"_Private Long, you can go first. What's your poison?"_

"_Boxing, sir."_

"_Then get to it."_

_Saitoh pointed at a boxing ring erected in the barracks' gym. Long hesitantly stepped forward and was followed by the man Saitoh had named as Sagara. Kenshin watched with calculating eyes as the men both stripped off their overcoats to reveal their undershirts. Sagara brushed his black bangs out of his eyes and smiled encouragingly at Long. "Begin," Saitoh barked._

_The two men circled, throwing out testing blows. Kenshin was not knowledgeable about boxing, but he could tell by balance and speed alone that Sagara far outclassed Long. The other men were murmuring slightly among themselves. Kenshin couldn't hear much of what was said, but from what he understood, the other men agreed with his assessment of Sagara and Long._

_Five minutes after the match began, Saitoh called a halt. "Long, thank you for your cooperation. I'll be in touch. Dismissed. Report to Lewis outside on the obstacle course."_

_Saitoh began sifting through the remaining men in much the same manner. He went through two men trained in karate, one in tae kwan do, another boxer, and two men trained in western fencing. Kenshin had a feeling his luck was up when he felt Saitoh's eyes land on him._

"_You, redhead. Name?"_

"_Private Kenshin Himura, sir."_

"_You're Japanese?"_

"_My father, sir."_

"_Mmm. Specialization?"_

"_Kendo, Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu."_

"_Let's see what you've got."_

_Kenshin hesitantly stepped to the ring as one of officers stepped forward and asked him if he preferred steel or wood when practicing. At his quiet reply a blunted steel katana was handed to him and he tested the balance carefully before allowing himself the first few moves of a kata. The sword was lighter than he was used to and didn't feel like it was genuinely steel, but he thought he could compensate well enough for the throw in his balance. He turned to the ring and was surprised to see Saitoh waiting form him with a sword casually gripped in his left hand._

"_What are you waiting for? Get up here," Saitoh sneered as he tossed his overcoat to the side. Kenshin debated for a moment before following suit with his own jacket and stepping into the ring._

"_Are you quite ready, Himura?"_

"_Yes, sir."_

"_Then…hajime."_

_Kenshin fell into stance as Saitoh began to circle, his gaze sharp and wicked. _

"_Perhaps you don't understand the meaning of a test. I need to get a bearing of your skill level so come at me."_

_Kenshin raised a brow. Hiten Mitsurugi rarely preached taking the first blow against a highly skilled opponent, but if he had to, he was in the wrong stance. Kenshin crouched down with his left foot leading and held his sword back as though it were sheathed. Saitoh raised a brow but said nothing. Kenshin allowed himself one deep breath before stepping into his first move._

_He heard a whisper rise among the men before his ears became deaf from outside noise and his senses narrowed on Saitoh. He expected the best and he got exactly what he expected as Saitoh blocked the battou jutsu, the taller man's balance faltering only slightly as he was pushed back. He saw that commentary brow raise again before Saitoh broke away and began the battle in earnest. Kenshin felt his own respect for the man rise as Saitoh sped through the battle easily matching the redhead's own natural speed and pushing it higher than any challenger had previously done before. There was no doubt in Kenshin's mind that, other than his shishou, Saitoh was the best fighter he'd ever faced._

"_Faster, Himura," hissed the taller man as he undercut Kenshin's left. Kenshin rolled away from the move and used his momentum to bring his sword around in a one handed slash. Saitoh had already moved out of the way and pulled slightly away from the redhead. Kenshin slowly rose from his crouch and watched with narrowed eyes as Saitoh took an unusual stance the like of which Kenshin had not seen before. Saitoh's left arm pulled back as his right hand came along the blade, fingers spread over the blade in a form that would have been artful if it weren't so obviously dangerous._

"_You're good, Himura. I'm curious what you'll make of this."_

_Saitoh stepped forward faster than should have been possible, nearly beyond Kenshin's discernible range of vision. He had less than a second to react as he brought his blade up in an attempt to snake Saitoh's blade from its compromising grip. "Not fast enough," he heard the man hiss._

_Kenshin felt his blade strike Saitoh's and threw his body weight to his left in hopes of throwing Saitoh's balance. The move was risky and Kenshin knew the sword might strike him in the process of falling, but what choice was left when the blade was already within his guard? He felt Saitoh's sword catch and lose momentum before disengaging with his own blade. _Strike! _his mind screamed at him and he brought the sword up with the last of his momentum. He felt the steel hit flesh just as Saitoh's sword touched his jugular. The battle stopped as suddenly as it started and Kenshin found himself staring up at Saitoh from the flat of his back. The redhead's sword was resting against the side of Saitoh's stomach._

_Kenshin looked up to meet Saitoh's eyes and saw a hint of surprise beyond the fierce amber gaze. "You," Saitoh said as he straightened and withdrew his blade from Kenshin's throat, "just might do."_

_Kenshin slowly stood as one of Saitoh's officers came forward to reclaim the practice sword. It was the black-haired man with the charming smile, Sagara. "Nicely done," he said softly as he took the sword and inspected it. "I haven't ever seen him draw before, let alone be defeated."_

"_Uh…thanks," Kenshin mumbled as he stepped to the side of the ring and picked up his discarded jacket._

"_Himura," Saitoh's razor voice immediately had him at attention. "Sagara will show you to our quarters. I will meet you there in fifteen minutes or so."_

"_Yes, sir," Kenshin said and snapped a salute even though Saitoh had already turned his head._

"_Right this way, Himura." Sagara motioned down a hallway. Kenshin hesitantly started forward and felt Sagara fall into step behind him._

"_My first name is Souzo by the way. When we're not in a situation that calls for it, I prefer my first name over my rank."_

"_Yes, si…Souzo."_

"_You'll be moving to this set of barracks with us. We do our specialty training here," he gestured to a spacious room to his right will walls upon walls lined with archaic weaponry. "Over here is the classroom. We eat in that room. Ummm…helicopter pad is out that way. And this," he said with an arm flourish, "is Saitoh's office."_

_Souzo stepped in front of Kenshin and swung the door open. "Wait in here. Don't sit until he comes in. He doesn't like that. Don't touch anything unless it's a weapon. He likes his weapons to be admired."_

_Kenshin stepped into the office and stood awkwardly next to the leather chair clearly meant for visitors._

"_Good luck and don't worry, his bite is worse than his bark, but he doesn't usually bite that much."_

_Kenshin wasn't sure whether Souzo was kidding or serious, but he wasn't about to ask. The door shut with a definitive snap and Kenshin was left alone in the darkly furnished room. His eyes scanned the room and he noticed three sword racks strategically placed throughout the room, each designed for a matching set of katana and wakizashi. Kenshin was not really a sword expert but each set on display looked well worn and of excellent quality. He was tempted to go over and handle a set as Souzo had encouraged but was not quite willing to push any limits on a man who would apparently now be his commanding officer. Instead, he simply stood in wait and let his eyes drift to a calligraphy scroll on the wall. The symbols were Japanese and he had just begun to remember the meanings as the door opened again and Saitoh swept into the office with one other trainee in tow._

"_I would like to speak to you each individually. Himura, step out if you would."_

_Kenshin nodded and quickly exited the office. He caught a glimpse of the other trainee as he stepped out, a lean man with wicked eyes and a sharp beak-like nose. The door shut and Kenshin moved himself to one side of the doorway where he proceeded to study the texture of the wall under the paint. Ten minutes later the office door opened again and the trainee stepped out. The grin on his face made Kenshin shudder._

"_Himura. Don't make me wait."_

_Kenshin stepped into the office with only a hint of hesitation. "Shut the door," Saitoh snapped without looking up from his desk. Kenshin shut the door and stood at attention training his eyes once again on the ink painting._

"_It says here you signed up a month ago, Himura."_

"_Yes, sir."_

"_For what reason?"_

"_I felt that too many lives were being lost to the effort. My hope was to save some of those lives, especially those of civilians who are simply caught in the crossfire and have no way to defend themselves."_

_Saitoh snorted and Kenshin heard the distinctive sound of a match being struck. "Have a seat, Himura."_

_Kenshin carefully sat and allowed his gaze to fall on the officer across from him, watching in fascination as the flame on the match brought eerie orange into Saitoh's already oddly golden eyes. Saitoh lit a cigarette and took a drag, slowly exhaling the smoke and watching the swirling patterns drift and dissipate for a moment._

"_Himura, before I begin anything there are two things you need to know. The assignment I'm going to ask you to take is completely voluntary. If you should choose to decline the assignment, everything we speak of in this office must be kept secret. If word should get out of this, I will hunt you down and kill you like a dog."_

_Saitoh took another drag and Kenshin swallowed past the thick lump in his throat. His mind had already snagged on the word "voluntary." Nothing in the military was voluntary. What did he mean voluntary? As the second bit of information processed, Kenshin glanced again at the sword racks around the room. He had no doubt that Saitoh meant every scathing word._

"_Do you understand me, Himura?"_

"_Yes, sir."_

"_Excellent. Then let's get down to business. As you've already noticed, I'm command of an elite band of fighters. These fighters are training for one reason and one reason only. To kill. In four weeks time we will transfer overseas and become a black ops division. The point of the division is to eliminate military or terrorist threats that the government cannot overtly contend. All missions take place on Iraqi and Afghan soil. Each man is sent out alone undercover to complete a given assignment. When they return, they are given a week's rest before taking another assignment."_

_Saitoh leaned back in his chair flicked ashes onto his desk, seemingly uncaring that they did not land in the ashtray. "That's the short version. Any questions so far?"_

_Kenshin was hard-pressed to keep his jaw from dropping. He blinked, blinked again. Tried to make his mind process. Failed miserably. Tried again. Still failed. And quietly turned the situation into a different light, that of a battle scene. He felt the shift in his body as his mind shut out emotion and started working in tactical logic._

"_Essentially you're saying that this is a division full of men trained to be assassins," he intoned, hating the lowered tone of his voice that almost invited a challenge._

"_For lack of more glorifying words, yes."_

"_These figures you eliminate, what exactly is their threat?"_

"_Generally they are dangerous military and terrorist leaders who can organize resistance to U.S. forces and organize it well enough to completely stop our progress. On occasion they are also dangerous criminals already known within the country that police and military forces have not been able to capture. Rapists, murderers, explosives and arms merchants. Those sorts of people can be assignments also."_

"_How long would I be expected to carry out this mission?"_

"_As I said, everything is voluntary. You can request transfer or discharge at any time and it will be handed over, no questions asked."_

"_Risks?"_

"_Considerable. You're your own operative. If you are captured or injured, the military cannot acknowledge you unless you are actually on base. You must also only carry one handgun while on assignment. Most of your assignments are expected to be close combat situations in which more archaic weapons will be used to complete the job. It prevents…inconvenient suspicions."_

"_Is there anything else I should be aware of?"_

"_I will require you to make you decision here and now."_

_Kenshin glared at Saitoh for a moment before drawing into his own mind, carefully weighing possibilities. Act as an agent of a black ops division and completely decimate what was left of his morals or continue on to become a foot soldier. One road guaranteed the commencement of murder on his part, but murder of men who would do others harm for personal gain. The other road allowed for considerably less violence, but at what cost? How many people would die based on each path? Kenshin could hardly be one to judge. Would hundreds, maybe even thousands, of civilians die because he had not been the one to kill one of their oppressors? Or would their lives continue on just as difficult as now, but still with breath in their bodies?_

_His mind turned to less calculated certainties. A flash of raven's silk and glinting blue eyes crossed his mind. What would she think? Would she even tolerate such evil in him? Could he even bring himself to speak to her about it? What of his other friends? What would each of them say? He could almost hear their words in his head. "It is not for you to toy with fate," would be Aoshi's cold advice. Megumi would probably bite his head off and glare with exasperation, but she was perhaps not as naïve as the others could be, having seen the underbelly of society herself. Sano would have nothing to say. He did not believe in compromising values. Kenshin could almost feel the phantom fist striking his jaw. Her reaction alone was the one he could not gage. Hatred? Sorrow? Distate? Anger? Would she even care to see him?_

_Kenshin closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. His eyes slid open again and were almost magnetically attracted to the wall hanging again. The black characters were so stark on the white background. He almost smirked. Such a stark contrast in a world were edges were undefined and blended together in a fog so thick that right and wrong were no longer distinguishable. Slowly, his eyes returned to Saitoh._

_The older man wore a piercing gaze, one that spoke volumes about the thoughts churning within his mind._

"_I'll do it," Kenshin whispered._

_Saitoh gave a cold smirk. "And so another man signs his soul away to the devil."_

_It was only as Kenshin walked out of the office that his mind rustily recalled the meaning behind the Japanese symbols on the wall. "Aku Zoku Zan." Slay Sin Swiftly._

_xXxXxXxXx_

_Life within the barracks was relatively simple though incredibly grueling. Rise at 5:30 in the morning for a seven mile run, eat breakfast, train for five hours, scramble for lunch, study Afghan and Iraqi language for two hours, be pummeled into the ground by Saitoh for four hours, eat, work on in-field basics, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat. Kenshin's afternoons were always the worst. Saitoh seemed to particularly enjoy seeing how much of the redhead's body could be turned from pale tan to sickly purple and green. Kenshin never walked away from a session without at least one bruise already swelling into a pussy mess. However, by the end of the fours weeks, he only lost one in four matches to Saitoh and could generally minimize his injuries even in a losing match._

_Kenshin could grudgingly admit that the tall lieutenant had probably sharpened his skills to what would become his peak in martial arts. He was faster, stronger, and most importantly, more capable of dealing a killing blow. The question remained whether he could follow through. Whether he could knowingly and willingly end another's life and wash his or her blood from his hands. A question to be answered in time._

_For now, they were packing. Kenshin stuffed the white robes he'd been supplied with into the corner of his duffle-bag, conveniently hiding the hand gun he'd also been issued. He looked up when someone rapped on his bedpost, before quickly snapping to attention as he realized it was Saitoh._

"_For you. They're a good weight and won't dull easily. The hilts are custom and shouldn't break even under the stress you exert. Everything you need for their care is in the bag."_

_Kenshin stared dumbly at the set of swords before him before lifting his eyes back to Saitoh. "You're the first operative being sent out when we arrive. They've issued you the code-name 'Battousai.'" Saitoh paced away without a word, not bothering to watch as the other men snapped salutes. His footsteps made no sound in the barracks._

_Kenshin's gaze returned to the swords and the case and bag beside them. The case was oiled wood and just the right size to house both swords. He did not know if it would be able to hold the blood they would spill. Rather than touch the swords, he lifted the bag he needed to care for them. It was a sensible leather creation that could easily be tied to a belt. Inside was a bottle of oil and cloths for rubbing it in, as well as a whet stone for the blade. He could see spare wrappings for the hilt and lifted them to inspect the material. As far as he could tell, it was sharkskin. Kenshin replaced the items in the bag and placed the bag inside his white robes where he was sure to remember it._

_Lastly he eyed the swords before reaching forward and slowly lifting the katana with both hands. He'd held a real sword only once before, when Hiko had allowed him to hold the sword that was the legacy of their style. That sword had not been suited to him. It was slightly larger than the average katana and made of ancient steel that was heavier than he could easily handle while maintaining speed. _

_A click resounded with certainty as he slid the guard out of the sheath. The blade drew smoothly, reflecting death and moonlight in its wake. Waves of folded steel distorted the glow of gold in the dim half-light of the barracks and only later did Kenshin realize that the gold came from his own eyes._

_xXxXxXxXx_

"The first assignment was straightforward enough. The compound I was going to was only three days walk from our base of operations. I didn't even have to work hard in infiltration. The guards were drunk when I got there. I slipped past them without any effort whatsoever and killed their commander while he slept. I was given a calling card to leave. It had something written on it in an Arabic language, which was supposed to lead suspicions further from the U.S. government. Saitoh told me that the card roughly translated to 'Heavenly Judgment.'

"It was only once I'd gotten far enough from the base that I vomited. And then I got up and kept going. We were given a week between assignments for recovery and sanity, but the weeks just gave us time to relive where we'd been. Some of the men…some of them loved it. They never stopped talking about it. They're still over there, loving it. The others, like Souzo and I, we hated it, but we did it because we felt it was the right thing to do.

"Souzo died on duty almost two years after I joined. The faction caught him on his way out and made an example of him. They cut off his head and placed it out on a spike for everyone to see, to remind them I suppose, of the power they were under. I only knew his fate because I had to complete the assignment in his place.

"That was my life for three years."

He glanced over his shoulder at her hunched form, her shaking shoulders. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Do you understand now?"

She choked behind him and he felt the bed shift under her weight. When he turned, she was gone. The bathroom door slammed shut and a moment later he could hear the distinct and unforgettable sound of someone vomiting. After that finished there was only silence.

_Perhaps this is best, _he thought to himself, blinking rapidly to clear his eyes of the telltale tears he could feel in them. Slowly, with lead-filled limbs, he rose and went to the guest room to resume the packing he'd left off earlier that day. By the time Kaoru emerged from the bathroom he was already gone.

* * *

_A/N: Much quicker this time, ne? I hope you're all pleased with the chapter and now some things are clearer to everyone. Title of this chapter is reference to yet another quote. "Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies." –Ralph Waldo Emerson. I was trying to convey the "ignorance is bliss" stance, though Kaoru was not necessarily ignorant of Kenshin's circumstances, nor he of hers. However, each was missing vital pieces of information for one to understand the other. For any relationship to work, trust and truth must play major roles. As such, I didn't feel comfortable giving anyone that elusive happy ending just yet. There's still a lot to be said between the two of them, after all. As always, thanks for all your wonderful support and great reviews. You have now idea how much I appreciate everyone's kind words and constructive criticism._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	11. Fourth Interlude: The Grounded Sparrow

_Disclaimber: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is completely fictional. Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, do not flame me for them. Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful. Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are._

_Warnings: Angst-overload. But it had to go in there somewhere. Character death…sort of._

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* * *

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**Shards of Me**

Fourth Interlude: The Grounded Sparrow

The worst day of his life. No perhaps the worst week…month…year. Far worse than the death of his parents. He'd been young then and hadn't fully understood the implications of death, of never seeing a person again. Now he knew all too well the fear of losing someone dear. The phone call had come early in the morning, halfway through his first philosophy class of the day. Mr. Kamiya was in the hospital. He'd had a stroke in the night and Kaoru had found him as she'd been getting ready for school. The medics said he'd been dead before he even reached the hospital.

Now Kenshin waited in the painfully sterile room designated for friends of the deceased. Hiko sat as a solid warmth directly to his left and Sano and others faced him in the chairs across the room. The tall man was slumped slightly, his face set in a worried scowl. Aoshi was unusually stony and even Misao remained quiet, huddled in the chair with her arms wrapped around her knees.

Kaoru was in the next room discussing with the doctors all possible implications of her father's death. As a citizen of the legal standing age of 18, she technically couldn't be processed for foster-care before she finished high school. Even if she could, she had no living relations. Beyond that, she was making arrangements for her father's burial. Their family had not been rich by any stretch of the imagination, and Kaoru would probably have to cremate her father and release his ashes somewhere, rather than have them properly buried with a tombstone. She probably wouldn't even be able to have a proper funeral for him.

Kenshin had left his class the moment he'd gotten the news from Hiko and sped through what was normally a two hour drive in just a little over an hour. By the time he'd arrived at the hospital, Kaoru had already been in with the hospital's administration.

Even now, Kenshin's mind had difficulty wrapping around the news. He kept expecting to see Mr. Kamiya walking through the door with a jovial smile on his face and his walking cane in hand. Flashes of memory came to him. The first time he'd seen Kaoru's father at her first tournament. The first time he'd eaten dinner at the Kamiya household. The time her father had taken him aside and warned him never to toy with Kaoru's heart. Mr. Kamiya's gift to him for his eighteenth birthday. Such a strong, kind man struck down so quickly, and so cruelly.

Another hour passed in painfully silent waiting until Kaoru finally appeared in the door. Her hair was disheveled, caught up in a hasty bun. She still wore the sweats and tank top she slept in. Her eyes were rimmed red and puffy and her cheeks were so wet he could not tell if she was still crying.

Slowly, he stood, unsure of what to do. He'd never had to comfort someone in this capacity before. Kaoru remained in the doorway for a moment, her eyes traveling across the taught, drawn faces in the room. Kenshin felt Hiko stand behind him, the man's tall presence comforting instead of hard and disciplined as it usually was.

"Kaoru…" Kenshin began hesitantly, his voice quavering just a little.

"Oh, Kenshin!" He stumbled back into Hiko as she threw herself at him, her voice catching as she sobbed. Regardless of whether or not she'd been crying before, she was certainly crying now.

"Shhh, Kaoru….shhh…" Kenshin could feel their friends rising around him as Kaoru's arms held him tighter, her sobs turning into hiccups as she lost her breath. He clenched his eyes shut as tears threatened in his own eyes. It was as much Mr. Kamiya's death as her pain that weakened his resolution to be strong for her.

He felt Hiko's large hand move past his face to gently rest on Kaoru's shoulder, lending her some of his immense strength. Misao was more direct, throwing hands around both Kenshin and Kaoru, her face tight and determined even as tears leaked down her cheeks. Sano quietly joined the group by awkwardly putting one arm around Kaoru's shoulders and giving her something to lean on. Aoshi joined last, his hand resting on Kaoru's back and rubbing small, gentle circles. They stood a long time that way, Kaoru's sobs gradually abating into soft, occasional hiccups. Eventually, Kenshin realized that she was nearly asleep against his chest.

"Would you like to go home, Kaoru?" he asked her quietly, inclining his head towards her ear to speak as softly as possible.

She shook her head against his shoulder, sniffling and tightening her grip momentarily. "Could I crash at your place for a while?" she asked, her voice tight and rough with tears. Kenshin glanced awkwardly back at Hiko enough to see the older man nod.

"Sure, Kaoru. We'll be there for as long as you need us."

Slowly, the group disentangled until Kaoru was just in Kenshin's arms again. He carefully shifted his grip on her and lifted her off the ground, one arm still hugging her shoulders while the other supported her under her knees. With a mournful, slow pace, the entire group left the hospital, a funeral procession for a man who would have no funeral.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin quietly left his room, taking one last glance back at Kaoru who had collapsed on his bed in exhaustion. Hiko was waiting with sake in the kitchen. The redhead sat in the twilit room across from his master and quietly accepted the sake dish, tossing the liquor back in one shot. A carafe appeared on the table and Kenshin poured himself another dish.

"What will become of her?"

"Well, she's nearly done with high school and technically her father's house and dojo belong to her. I suppose she'll finish out the year, spend the summer there, and then sell off the house to pay for college."

Kenshin's eyes narrowed and he took another sip of sake. "It seems so unfair."

"You of all people should know how unfair life is."

"I do…but this is Kaoru we're talking about."

"Well, you shouldn't worry so much. I plan on looking in on her often. She's certainly not going to be alone. Sano, Aoshi, and Misao will still be around."

Kenshin was silent and the two of them continued to drink. "Do you think she'll be alright?"

"Kaoru's a strong girl. If anyone can cope with this, she certainly can."

The two of them stood long vigil into the night and finished off two and a half carafes of sake. On the last dish, Hiko raised his cup. "To Koshijiro, a good man."

Kenshin murmured assent before standing, proud that he didn't wobble under the influence of too much alcohol. He walked on silent feet to his bedroom, willing his body to not belie his rather drunken state of mind. When he made it to his room he started with surprise to see Kaoru still asleep on his bed. He froze just inside the door, caught in indecision. He hated to wake her, but he really didn't want to turn around and try to make it to the guestroom while pretending that he wasn't seriously considering falling over. Kaoru made the decision for him.

Slowly she sat up, looking small and alone on his bed. Her hair was disheveled nearly beyond recognition, her eyes raw and red from crying, and her face blotchy. "Kenshin?" she croaked, her voice painfully hoarse. "What time is it?"

"Ridiculously late. Go back to sleep, Kaoru." The word "ridiculously" was slurred almost beyond recognition.

She blinked at him for a moment. "But this is your bed. I should move…" She began to get up and he moved quickly to stop her.

"Just sleep, Kaoru. I'll go to the guest room." She looked at him and seemed lost, as though unsure what was appropriate given the situation.

"Stay for a while? I just…don't want to be alone…"

Kenshin's face grew solemn and he nodded, slowly lowering himself to sit on the edge of the bed. She clasped his hand and curled onto her side. He sat until her breathing became even and then began to rise, ignoring the sleep that was creeping into his eyes. A whisper stopped him in his tracks. "Please don't leave." Kenshin looked down at her face. Her eyes were closed and he couldn't be sure whether or not she was sleeping. After a moment, he lowered himself again to the bed. Her hand tightened on his.

Kenshin didn't move from the bed. He wasn't sure exactly what time it was, but he knew he was very tired. The next morning he would not remember laying down on the bed, or gathering Kaoru in his arms, or falling asleep. When he awoke at ten o'clock though, it was to a very awkward situation. He was thoroughly wrapped around Kaoru and slightly hungover, but he blushed fiercely when he realized that she was already awake.

The redhead quickly began disengaging from her, mumbling apologies as he went. She just watched him, her eyes still horribly puffy and her face drawn and pale. "It's alright, Kenshin," she murmured. He paused at the edge of the bed and looked at her questioningly. "I asked you to stay and you did. I really appreciate it."

The blush flamed higher on his cheeks and he quickly nodded before rushing from the room, leaving her to try and collect herself. Hiko raised his eyebrows as Kenshin rushed into the kitchen, moving immediately to the sink to get a glass of water.

"Have a good night?" he rumbled, his tone teasing.

"Shut up." Two ibuprofen appeared near Kenshin's hand and he turned to glance at the large man moving around the kitchen.

"For the hangover," Hiko explained. Grudging thanks were muttered as Kenshin tossed back the pills. Kaoru appeared in the kitchen a moment later and both men went silent as she stood awkwardly in the doorframe.

"I want to thank you both. You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you've done for me."

"Nonsense, Kaoru," Hiko thundered. "You're as good as family. It's the least we could do." His words clearly did not have the intended effect as Kaoru's face broke and she began to cry again. Kenshin watched, caught between bemusement and worry as Hiko panicked, clearly unsure of what he'd done or how to fix it. He looked at Kenshin with an incredulous look and nodded at her as though to say, _You're better at this than I am._

The shorter man nodded and went to Kaoru putting an arm around her shoulders as he led her out of the kitchen. Hiko heard the younger man mention something about taking her home. Resolutely, the master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu turned to the fridge and dug out something that could pass for lunch. "There's a reason I never married," he growled as he found bread lingering in a back corner. "Never could understand women to save my life."

oOoOoOoOo

"Is this the place?"

Kaoru nodded, her face tight and her eyes just as red as they'd been a week ago when her father had passed. Koshijiro's body had been cremated, but no funeral had been planned and no cemetery plot was paid for. Instead, Kaoru told them about the spot where her father and mother had met. It was where her mother's ashes had been spread and where she wanted to lay her father to rest. With calls to each of their friends, they set a day to spread the ashes and met at Kaoru's property on the day. Now, they were on a dirt road twenty miles from nowhere, or so it seemed.

Kenshin pulled the car to the side of the road and shut it off, his eyes traveling Kaoru and the urn of her father's remains, clutched tightly against her chest. "Do you…need a minute?"

She nodded and he stepped out to survey the place she'd brought them to. A farmer's field was on one side of the road, the new spring furrows already planted with wheat. Sano joined him shortly.

"They met out here?" the taller man asked incredulously.

"Kaoru said that this land was once her maternal grandfather's and he farmed it before it passed to his brother. Kaoru's mother was out here reading a book under one of the trees and her father's truck broke down just near the tree. From there, it was kind of a whirlwind romance."

"Huh…good story."

"Yeah," Kenshin said softly, his mind traveling through strange thoughts, "it is."

Misao and Aoshi joined them shortly. The dark, quiet man walked into the field and ran his hand over the tops of the wheat sprouts and weed stubble left on the side of the field from last year's harvest, a frown furrowing his brow. "This seems a lonely place to leave him." His voice was unreadable and his eyes shuttered.

"It's where her mother is," Hiko said, his booming voice quiet for once. They stood in silence. The day was dark, pearl gray clouds rolling overhead. A sharp wind whipped across the open ground, reminding them that even in late spring winter could blow its final breath. Kenshin stared at the trees and wondered which one was the one that Kaoru's mother had sat under so long ago. Distantly, he could see a decrepit house, the wood sagging from disrepair. Kaoru had said the field was still farmed, but a family who lived farther away had bought it.

The sound of a car door opening echoed behind them and Kaoru emerged from the car, her face once again tear streaked. Kenshin felt his shoulders tense. Everything seemed so awkward and unceremonious somehow. She made her way past her friends with unseeing eyes. They all followed slowly as she made her way towards the copse of trees about fifty yards from the road.

She stopped in front of a huge elm, the branches thick and low to the ground. No one had ever pruned the monstrous limbs and under different circumstances Kenshin might have been tempted to climb it. He tugged at his tie uncomfortably as Kaoru gazed up at the tree, starting with surprise as she began to climb the branches. "Kaoru, will you be alright with that urn?" he asked, his voice slightly worried.

"I should be fine. I don't need to be very high up." Her voice was quiet and unsteady. She ascended a few more branches, bracing herself about ten feet up against the thick trunk of the tree. "You guys should…" her voice caught and she took a moment. "You guys should move upwind."

Misao looked vaguely confused for a moment as the others started moving until the stood upwind of the branch Kaoru stood on before she understood that the ashes would fly with the wind straight at them. She hurried after Aoshi and latched onto his arm the moment they stopped. He took her into a warm hug as tears began welling in her eyes.

"Kaoru," Hiko called up to her, "would you…like to say anything?"

The young woman looked down at her friends, her family really, and tried to think of something to say that wouldn't sound hollow, fake, and empty. After a moment she shook her head. "If one of you…I mean you could…"

Hiko understood and looked back at the others, wondering if any of them could say anything that would be even remotely fitting as a eulogy. They stood together for five minutes as the cold wind danced with hair and clothing. Finally Hiko sighed and said, "Koshijiro was a good and honorable man. Where ever he is now is a better place where hopefully he can rest with Kira, his beloved wife. He was loved and he will be missed."

Though short, Hiko's words rang with a kind of fitting simplicity and finality. Kaoru lifted the lid on the urn and slowly upended it. The fine gray ash was lifted instantly by wind and Kaoru watched the scarves of it fly away on a breeze. When the urn was empty, she dropped it into the brush below, not caring whether or not the impact broke it. Slowly, she slid down the trunk of the tree, crying and trying desperately to hold back her sobs.

The others watched her, not quite sure what to do now. Hiko withdrew a small flask from inside his ancient suit coat and uncorked it, pouring the contents over the base of the tree. Looking at the bark, he saw a name was carved deeply into the side. Brushing his hand over Kira's name, he considered for a moment. The others approached him as he withdrew from the tree. He looked over the mourning faces. Misao was crying into Aoshi's chest and the taller man's face was set like stone. Sano was also crying, though he was working very hard to keep his face from doing anything else. Kenshin was dry-eyed, but his focus was on the girl still in the tree.

"Let's head back," Hiko said gruffly. The others nodded and began working their way towards their cars…all except Kenshin. Hiko stared at his surrogate son for a moment before pressing his pocket knife into Kenshin's hand. The redhead looked down in surprise. "When she gets down," Hiko said quietly, "you know what to do." Kenshin glanced at the tree trunk before nodding. The big man turned away and stalked towards his car, long trench coat sweeping behind him like some overblown cloak.

He glanced at the knife in his hand before pocketing it and swinging lightly up the branches until he was perched on the same ancient bough as Kaoru. She glanced at him as he settled further out, his legs dangling over empty space. He looked thoughtful and he glanced at her as she uncurled herself enough to sit next to him, leaning into the comforting solidity and reality he represented.

"You know what's terrible?" she whispered as he slid an arm around her shoulders. Kenshin waited, knowing she would continue regardless of his answer.

"It's not really his loss that I'm crying for. I'm crying because I don't miss him. I don't know if it's because his death hasn't sunk in completely or because we were never really that close, but for whatever reason, I feel like a horrible person. He's out there somewhere and I'm alone and I'm not even sad about it. Is there something wrong with me?"

Her voice was hushed and harsh, her face drawn and gray with her own self-loathing.

"Kaoru," Kenshin murmured, his own tone surprised and unsure, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with you."

"How do you know?" she shouted, her voice breaking. "How can you be so sure?"

He gazed out at the gray field, the wind whipping his hair around his features. He had the sudden feeling that if he and Kaoru could just fly away on the gale, they would both be better off for it. Life would not get any easier for them in the future.

"I know, because I've never missed my parents."

She glanced up at him, her blue eyes raw and sparking with shame. Underneath that though, Kenshin could see the slight glimmerings of hope.

"You know my parents passed away in an epidemic when I was seven. They were in the Peace Corps so they'd leave me with Hiko when they were traveling. I was never really close to them, though I remember I thought my mother was the sun and the moon. They were all I knew outside of the dojo. But when they passed away and Hiko explained to me what death was, I found myself strangely…empty inside. I'd always thought that death would be accompanied by an overflow of emotions, so many that I would go mad or wouldn't be able to contain them. Instead, all I felt was the absence of any kind of emotion. My parents were dead. The world would go on. When I looked at pictures of them, I felt guilty for having no other feelings to feel, but that was the way it was."

He was gazing into the swirling mass of clouds, so he didn't see Kaoru studying his face with a slightly awed gaze. A few raindrops struck Kenshin's neck and he tilted his head back, gazing into the tree's depths. Oh so slowly he tipped backward and Kaoru screamed when gravity suddenly took over and he fell. The sound was abruptly cut off as Kenshin's knees came around and caught the branch. He reached up with both hands, freed his legs, and then dropped to the ground, looking up at her with a sheepish grin, though his eyes were still solemn.

"That…" she squeaked before trying again, "that was not funny, Kenshin Himura. You're going to regret that."

She scuttled out of the tree as he laughed at her, holding up his hands in submission. Her rage faded half way down though, and by the time she reached him she was again subdued.

"Kaoru," he said, placing a gentle finger under her chin and forcing her to look at him, "I needed to snap you out of that mood somehow. Forgive me?"

She looked at him, her eyes weary, but alive at least.

"And for the record, Kaoru, you're not alone. As long as I'm around, you will never be alone."

The redhead enfolded her in a hug as her face crumpled again with tears. These tears, however, were the tears she needed as she finally cleansed herself of her father's death and of her guilt. When she was finished crying on his shoulder, he gently pulled away and handed her Hiko's pocket knife. She looked at him questioningly until he pointed to the bark behind her. She looked at him for a moment before moving to the tree with resolution, flipping the blade open as she went. He watched as she carved her father's name into the tree and added his date of birth and date of death, just below her mother's. Standing back, she stared for a moment. There was still something missing.

After a moment, she began carving again. Kenshin stepped forward and watched as a small bird formed in the wood, its shape rough hewn but beautiful in its simplicity. To the bird's beak, Kaoru added a tiny flower. As she stepped back, the sky opened up and began to rain in earnest. The wood darkened with water, making the carving stand out sharply and in a moment of surreal imagination, Kenshin was positive the bird would rise from the wood and begin to fly. The moment passed though and the bird remained stationary.

"It's a sparrow," Kaoru said quietly. "It was our family's symbol before we moved from Japan. The flower is for my mother." Kenshin nodded as she stepped back into his embrace. They stood staring at the letters long enough for the both of them to soak through to the skin.

"Come on," Kenshin murmured at last. "Everyone will be waiting for us at the dojo."

She nodded before slipping from his arms and walking to the car, only glancing back as she opened the door. Kenshin lingered a moment, the wind whistling an eerie tune in his ear. It was almost as though Koshijiro was saying goodbye. "Don't worry," Kenshin whispered. "I'll take care of her for you."

* * *

_A/N: Yeah, so. More than a year. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. For any of you in college though, you understand what took so long. I'm attending one of the most difficult smaller, universities on the East Coast and it's definitely taken its toll on my hobbies. Art? What art? Writing? Only if you're talking about that twelve page research paper. But I've returned with a strong desire to get this story out to you all. You'll note there's another chapter after this and I have another thirty pages of actual story and another interlude in need of editing, but almost ready to go. I'm going to go look at reviews now and thank those of you who left them personally. For those who simply read and watch, thanks also, for your patience._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	12. Alcohol Dreams

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is completely fictional. Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, do not flame me for them. Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful. Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are._

_Warnings: Possibly language. I'm afraid I can't remember. Definitely some drunkenness though. As if the title weren't enough of a warning._

_

* * *

_

**Shards of Me**

Chapter VII: Alcohol Dreams

A cold draft pervaded the apartment, easily dropping the room temperature to sixty degrees. He had not yet bothered to fix it. Cracks danced across one of the walls, result of some long-forgotten scuffle by some long-forgotten tenant. That had also remained untouched. Sometimes he imagined the cracks grew longer with each passing day, matching the slow shattering of his sanity or his heart…or perhaps both. He could not bring himself to look so far inward anymore.

The wind was howling outside, a reminder that nature gave no reprieves, even on Christmas Eve. The blizzard had lessened its intensity with nightfall, but the wind remained strong and merciless, skittering in as an unwelcome guest and leaving just as quickly as a fickle mistress.

Slowly, he dropped his eyes to the glass of whiskey in his hand, swirling the liquid in hypnotic patterns. Normally, Kenshin made it a policy not to drink, but today seemed a special occasion. Alone on Christmas Eve, only dark, fragmented thoughts for company.

He found himself chasing memories. His first assassination, his last, the day he'd met her, the day they'd parted, the night he lost his virginity, the night he learned not all women were as pure as her, and the night he'd left her yet again. He lingered on that memory longest. How he'd simply walked out of the apartment without even a backward glance. He felt like he'd buried her alive and spit on her grave. The sleepless night that followed as he holed out in Aoshi's house had been both stunningly numb and perhaps the longest night of his life. Misao would not even look him in the face.

In the two and a half months that had followed, Kenshin had exchanged few words with his friends and the words that had hovered between them had been cold and cordial, hardly the conversation of people who'd been friends for years. He'd seen her only once and that had been from a distance.

He paused on that memory and lingered over the taste of it in his mind, bitter and hot. Aoshi had invited him for the rare cup of coffee and he'd accepted if only to escape the sound of his own thoughts. He could still remember the words clear as day.

"_We're all meeting at the club tonight. Kaoru's going to be there." The words 'without you' hung unspoken and mocking in the air. "Sano said you should come if you think you can manage one night of not making an ass of yourself."_

"_I'll think about it," Kenshin had murmured. Part of him strongly protested the idea of going to the club. True he was still the same age as many of his friends, but he felt ten years older. Yet…just this once…maybe some things he'd left unsaid could be spoken…at least given a sense of closure._

He'd stupidly wandered into the club that night hoping for God only knows what…or perhaps just hoping. Those hopes were quickly crushed though when he caught sight of her, comfortably settled in the arm of another man with a slight smile on her face. He'd felt his heart begin to race, and rage heated his bloodstream at the sight of her with another. "It's for the best, it's for the best," he told himself over and over through clenched teeth. Just then her eyes had caught him, widening in slight surprise. The smile trickled away from her lips. He saw her mouth his name and could almost imagine her voice sliding across his ears, both poisonous and soothing at the same time. He'd frozen as still as marble for only a moment before whispering "I'm sorry" and dashing back out the door as quickly as he'd come.

He'd not seen any of his friends since that night. None of them had bothered to call. He only emerged from his frigid two-room apartment for necessities—work and food. He'd found a job with a charity company that built houses for needy families. The pay was crap and many of the other workers were men who could not find better work, but at least he felt a sense of accomplishment when he finished one of his painfully long shifts.

Golden eyes slid to golden streetlight, his only source of illumination. His gaze slid out of focus, making the light into a blurry puffball. Kenshin's life was lacking in purpose and he welcomed the feeling of apathy with open arms. Eyes wandered back to the whiskey and he downed it in one shot, relishing the acidic burn of the alcohol snaking down his throat. His hand went for the Jack Daniel's bottle again and he might have continued drinking himself into oblivion for the night if a knock hadn't sounded at his door.

Kenshin's gaze shot to the door, sharp and dangerous. The neighborhood he'd chosen for his exile was not exactly the nicest part of town and he was not particularly trusting of any of his neighbors. Slowly, he stood and set the glass on his low, cheap coffee table. He'd not yet had enough alcohol to make him tipsy, but he could feel the loose ease of his joints and the even weaker grip of his control on his mind. He looked through the peephole in the door and waited for his eyes to adjust to the flickering florescent light of the hallway. When he saw who stood on the other side of the door, he half-wished he would have started drinking earlier, if only so he could be out cold now.

oOoOoOoOo

Kaoru huddled further into herself as she glanced around the dirty hallway. Aoshi had said Kenshin was living in a rougher part of town, but she hadn't been able to put the image she had of him in such a place. Kenshin was religiously immaculate if nothing else, and she could not see him choosing to stay in such a filthy place.

It seemed she waited an eternity until she heard the locks turning on the other side of the door. "Come in," she heard his voice say flatly, even though she could barely make him out in the darkness of his apartment. As the door closed behind her, the lights were flipped on and she blinked first at the surprise to her eyes and next at the blankness of his apartment. Cracked white walls glared at her over drab second-hand furniture. She could see only the bare necessities littered across the apartment and little else.

"Why are you here?"

She turned and bit her lip to keep from letting out any kind of gasp. Kenshin was rough-shaven and his hair was even more unruly than usual. The cold burn of amber pinned her in place.

"I…I…" she stumbled trying to regain composure, "I wanted to wish you Merry Christmas."

His eyebrow kicked up as she dug in her pocket and produced a small, gift-wrapped box, which she held out to him with a slightly shaking hand. Slowly he took the gift from her, trying to bite down on his loosened impulses. "It's not much, but…" she trailed off and awkward silence devoured the room.

"Please, sit down," he motioned to the couch while turning to pretend to busy himself in his meager kitchen area. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Umm…no. I'm fine."

She shifted to his couch, eyeing the bottle of Jack Daniel's as she went. She had rarely seen Kenshin drink, even before he'd left for overseas three years earlier, and she vaguely remembered him saying he didn't drink at all any more when he returned.

"I'm afraid I don't have much to offer at the moment," he murmured as he set down a plate of store-bought cookies before sitting next to her on the opposite side of the couch.

They both waited in their separate bubbles of silence for a few moments before simultaneously trying to ease the tension. "So how have you…" "Are you doing…" Each ended at almost the same moment and an uneasy chuckled wended its way between them. "You first," Kaoru murmured as the laughter died.

"Oh…I've been alright. I'm working a construction job for Home and Habitat Incorporated. It's a charity organization. Not much else. You?"

"I've…you know I've just been…"

She broke off as her mind screamed at her. _Just say it, damn it! Stop being such a coward!_

"I…miss you."

Kenshin froze for a moment before glancing sideways. Her face was turned away from his and he could only see one moon-glow crescent of her cheek. "I…I've…I miss you, too," he murmured after a moment.

"Why haven't you called or visited?"

"I…thought it was for the best."

"Why?"

"Why would you want to be around me anymore? I'm not the person you remember."

"I'm not the person you remember, either," she shot back, a touch of bitterness in her voice. "It doesn't mean I've stopped caring for you."

Kenshin did not reply and Kaoru felt claustrophobia set in. The room was too small and the air was so crushingly cold. She couldn't breathe. _Leave. Leave now._

"I…uh…I've got to go. I just wanted to stop by. Sano…Sano's having a get together at his place tomorrow for Christmas. He said he'd be happy if you would come." She stood and rushed towards the door without looking at him. As she cracked the door open to leave she glanced back to where he still sat hunched on the couch. "I'd…I'd be happy if you came, too."

Kenshin looked up only after she closed the door behind her. Slowly he rose and relocked everything before flipping the light back off. Her gift sat accusingly on the table and he picked it up, carefully pulling the paper away. Nestled inside was a small glass figure of a Chinese dragon. Carefully he held the red and gold body to the light and watched as blood-red streaks of refraction settled on the walls. The dragon was placed on the table with utmost care. If he remembered correctly, it had been her father's.

Jack Daniel's was lifted and poured. It did not burn as it flowed down his throat this time. He was too numb to feel the pain.

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin moved through the next week of the holidays as a phantom. He felt insubstantial, as though a strong enough gust of wind would simply blow him away. He did not go to the Christmas party. He did leave a single lotus on Kaoru's apartment doorstep. She hadn't called, and he hadn't bothered.

On New Year's Eve he half expected her to show up. He made an effort to make himself presentable and stowed the whiskey until 10:30. If she hadn't shown up by then he might indulge himself. If she did show up…he supposed he'd burn that bridge when he crossed it. The clock struck nine and he'd almost decided she wasn't coming when a knock sounded on his door. He frowned. That knock was not Kaoru's knock. It was too strong, too demanding. He rose slowly and only realized five seconds too late that his hand had reached for a blade that no longer rested at his side. He sighed with annoyance as he lowered his hand. He was really starting to hate surprise visitors.

He had just reached the peephole when whoever waited on the other side knocked again, more imperiously this time. Kenshin frowned and glanced out the door before groaning. "Not tonight," he begged quietly. "Not tonight."

"Kenshin Himura! I know you're in there and if you don't open the door this minute I will happily break it down."

Kenshin began undoing the locks cursing his tormentor on the other side the entire time as he moved. Finally, unfortunately, the final lock slid out and he was forced to open the door.

"'Bout time, baka-deshi."

oOoOoOoOo

Hiko swept in the room with no invitation and Kenshin glared at his back as he relocked the doors. The massive white trench coat that Hiko had owned since before Kenshin even knew him was tossed over one worn and tattered armchair. The massive man settled his weight on the couch and Kenshin winced visibly as he waited for the cheap furniture to crack. Hiko was not rotund. The opposite in fact. A lifetime of bodybuilding and kendo had hardened his six foot two inch frame into something so imposing and powerfully built that he might be mistaken for one of those steroid-induced professional wrestlers.

"Shishou," Kenshin groaned slightly, "what are you doing here?"

"What? I can't visit my favorite idiot?"

"If I recall correctly me, you told me three years ago and I quote 'I never want to see your idiot face again. If you come within even fifty feet of me I will castrate you and give your balls to Kaoru in apology.'"

"I was angry. You know you shouldn't take me seriously when I'm angry."

Kenshin raised an eyebrow and retreated to the cupboard. Whiskey was most definitely called for in this particularly painful situation.

"Besides, I'm willing to forgo my threats if you will agree to do something for me."

Kenshin poured out two glasses of whiskey without question and brought them to the table, along with his half-empty bottle. Hiko swept up one glass and downed half of its contents in one shot.

"Shishou, you taught me better than to agree to a deal without first hearing the conditions."

"Given the alternative, I tend to think you'd take my offer no matter what it was."

Kenshin shook his head and sighed. How was it that in three years he'd turned into a completely different person while his master had not changed even the slightest bit.

"Still, I would like to hear the terms."

"I've been talking with Kaoru."

Kenshin stiffened and twisted slightly to the side, avoiding his master's eyes very carefully. He supposed it wasn't unusual that Hiko and Kaoru had been communicating. She'd practically lived in their house after her father passed away until she left for college.

"She's worried about you," Hiko said quietly, swirling the whiskey in its glass.

"They're all worried about me."

"Doesn't that tell you something?"

Kenshin was silent, turning inward. Hiko sighed and sipped at the whiskey, taking his time now to let it wash down his throat.

"Kenshin, how much do you remember of that fight between us when I found out you were going overseas?"

Silence again. Kenshin could remember almost the entire conversation verbatim, but he wasn't sure if he was willing to let Hiko know that. Not that lack of an answer was about to stop the older man.

"At the time, I could not understand your reasoning, no matter how hard you tried to explain it to me. I raised you to be like me…or so I thought. Self-serving, strong enough to fend for yourself, moral but not to the point of preaching, reserved and controlled. Somehow I missed that seed of self-sacrificing stupidity that grew up and took over your heart."

Kenshin opened his mouth to protest the insult, but Hiko had already raised his hand to silence the angry retort.

"I'm glad I missed it though."

Kenshin stopped midway through the first word of what had been promising to be a wonderfully stress-relieving rant. His mouth hung open and for a moment he found himself unable to speak or breathe.

"I taught you how to survive, Kenshin, but I think I did a rather poor job of raising you to be a good man. You learned that on your own. I should have been less of a master to you and more of a father, but what's done is done.

"Kaoru told me a little about what you told her, mostly about the reasoning behind your choice to fight overseas. While I can't comprehend this idiotic feeling you have to help people who cannot be helped, I can respect it now."

Kenshin sipped his whiskey without speaking. Quite honestly, he hadn't the slightest clue what to say. Hiko really had never been a father to the redhead, but Kenshin had never expected such treatment. His father was a man killed by an epidemic overseas. No one else was supposed to take that place. More over, Hiko had never been the sort of man to admit any mistakes or misconceptions. If he found himself in the wrong, it didn't matter: he was still right. Or so Hiko perceived it. To hear an apology like this…

"Now then. I believe you were wondering about my terms."

Kenshin blinked and glanced up from his glass. Hiko was looking out the window, slouched back in a posture of seeming nonchalance. The younger man knew far better. Hiko was like the trap waiting to spring and Kenshin was the unfortunate prey.

"I have it on good information that Kaoru is not making enough to keep her apartment."

A frown dressed the redhead's face as he carefully wrapped his mind around the information.

"Her college loans are getting the best of her and she won't be able to keep up the rent at this rate."

"Shishou…"

"I want you to help her out."

Kenshin opened his mouth to protest and was immediately cut off.

"I don't care how you help her. You already know her well enough to know she wouldn't accept money so don't even try that route. Talk to her. Offer her a place to stay. Give her a shoulder to lean on. I don't care what you do, but for God's sake be there for her. She's had a rough life since her father passed away and has managed on her own for this long, but even people like her and like us need someone else every once and a while, Kenshin."

The redhead slowly leaned back into the couch. Hiko had given him food for thought if nothing else. Certainly, he'd be in contact with his friends now, if only to make sure she was alright and would remain that way.

"Now, on to happier topics. Why the hell are you living in this dump?"

oOoOoOoOo

Hiko staid the night with Kenshin, celebrating the New Year in fantastic style by getting his adoptive son drunk enough to pass out. By the time Kenshin drifted off on the couch, 3 AM had already come and gone.

"If there's one thing I managed to drive through his skull," Hiko muttered as he carried the redhead to his room, "it was how to hold his liquor." He placed Kenshin in bed and covered him with a worn fleece blanket. "Sleep well, you idiot."

With Kenshin asleep, Hiko retreated to the living room to consider the boy's most recent actions. It was clear his student still greatly cared for Kaoru, perhaps more than he cared for himself now if his living arrangements were any indication. He seemed to have her best interests in mind, even if his idea of her best interests and everyone else's idea of her best interests were vastly different.

The boy was injured on the inside. His heart was empty and soaked with all the things he'd done and seen overseas. Such wounds could be overcome, but rarely could they be overcome alone. Hiko had long ago decided that the best thing for Kenshin was to give him something to believe in, something to hold on to. Kaoru was that something now. In essence, Kaoru and Kenshin were yin and yang. Each needed the other in order balance. Kaoru was Kenshin's light just as he was her darkness.

Hiko's philosophical and moderately drunken musings were ruined as his cell phone began vibrating against his hip. He cursed quietly as he fumbled the phone from his pocket.

"This better be a damn good reason for calling after three in the morning."

"Hiko…" Kaoru's voice was soft and hesitant on the other end.

Hiko's tone immediately changed, softened to a pitch mellower and less berating.

"Kaoru, are you alright?"

"I'm…I'm fine. I just wanted to wish you Happy New Year and see if you were still up…or…you know…passed out by now."

"Now what's an old man to think when the girl who's practically a daughter to him tells him that?"

"That he should get out of the sake bottle more."

"Now where would the fun in that be?"

"Did you go anywhere tonight?"

"You…you could say I did."

"It's not too hard of a question, sensei. Either you did or you didn't."

"Alright then, I did."

Silence hung on the other line for a few seconds. "And…?"

"And…and I'm headed home now and no I'm not drunk and even if I was I'd get home perfectly fine. You know I can handle a sword even when I can't stand up straight."

"I'll come get you if you need me to."

"No, Kaoru. I'll be fine. Get some sleep. You have to face your loving students tomorrow so you're going to need it."

"If you're sure…"

"I'll be fine. Bed, now. Consider that an order from your sensei."

She chuckled softly, half-heartedly, before answering. "As you wish, Master. Good night."

"Night dear. I might be by to visit on Wednesday or Thursday."

"I'm not buying sake for you."

"That's fine. I'll bring my own and we'll both get drunk."

"Good night, Hiko," Kaoru said pointedly before the line clicked off.

Hiko glanced back at Kenshin's door, his mind focusing on the life force behind it, the darkness that overshadowed what had once been light.

"You better wise up, baka-deshi," his whispered harshly. "A line's starting to form for who gets to maim you first."

oOoOoOoOo

Over the next several days, Kenshin made discreet visits to each of his friends, save one. They all confirmed the same thing. Kaoru had been packing up some of the heirlooms left from her father and selling them. She was pawning off old clothes and various other things that, for one reason or another, she'd decided she could live without. Her superintendent had been seen hovering outside her apartment on more than one occasion. For all intents and purposes it looked like the bottom was falling out from under Kaoru, and she wasn't allowing any of her friends to catch her.

"To be perfectly honest Kenshin, I've kind of known about this for a while," Sano confessed over the counter of the bar he was currently bouncing at. "I've been slipping money into her account when she's not looking for quite a while now."

"How?"

"This is Jou-chan we're talking about. She leaves her checkbook sitting out on her counter every day. It wasn't that hard to write down her account number."

Kenshin nodded to himself.

"So what are you gonna do?" Sano asked, trying desperately to look like he wasn't as curious as a cat.

"I'm not sure yet…"

"But you're going to do something?"

"Well, I'm not about to let her wind up on the streets. And after all she did for me the least I can do is offer to help her out and lend her my place to crash at."

"No offense, Kenshin, but your place is not exactly the most crashable."

"I know. I've started looking for jobs in the local universities. I'm hoping they'll let me join on as a student teacher or a research assistant or something. I've already gotten a second job at a local dive near where I live. I should be able to afford an upgrade next month."

"In the meantime…?"

"I…I'm not sure. I really don't know how to approach her and apologize for…"

"Being an ass."

"For everything," Kenshin said firmly as he glared up at Sano.

"Well, we can take care of getting you two in the same place at the same time. You're the one who has to figure out how to say what needs to be said."

"Therein lies the problem."

"Maybe talk to Aoshi about what she's said to Misao and him. I'll call you when we've got a setup. It will probably be dinner at someone's house or possibly heading to that dance club she took you to when you first got back."

"Thanks, Sano. I…I'm very grateful."

"You'd damn well better be. And, don't you dare screw it up this time. You have no idea how close I am to just pounding your head into the ground and making it look like an accident."

"Do you…I…"

"She's in love with you, you idiot! There, I said it. Now get out and think about it."

Kenshin blinked at the blunt statement before quietly drawing on his coat and walking outside. Snow was falling lightly, dancing against the sky in a waltz only nature knew the steps to. He stopped and watched the flakes ebb and flow in their lazy patterns.

"She…she loves me…"

* * *

_A/N: And the other half of the update. Remember, there's a lot more where this came from and I'm feeling fairly close to the end as far as the writing's concerned. Again, thanks so much for your patience and understand. You've no idea how much I appreciate your support._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


	13. A Glimmer of Distant Stars

_Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. The main plotline of this story is completely fictional. Situations should in no way be considered truthful or based on real events. Political opinions expressed in the story are mine. If you do not agree with said opinions, do not flame me for them. Do not stoop so low as to berate me for what I hold to be truthful. Some smaller side stories may be based on factual events. I will alert you if they are._

_Warnings: Language

* * *

_

**Shards of Me**

Chapter VIII: A Glimmer of Distant Stars

Kaoru sat off to one side of the dance floor, trying desperately to politely listen to the conversation, even though she could barely focus on anything anymore. Megumi had introduced her to a man shortly before Christmas and he'd been showing up at gatherings with her and her friends ever since. His name was Akitoki and he was a sweet young man, but incredibly dull and slightly more forward than she would have preferred. His tendency to put an arm around her or give her pecks on the cheek was disconcerting and, she didn't like the attention, but wasn't sure how to politely tell him to go away.

Currently, he was talking her ear off about some new breakthrough in the medical field and the implications it had for constipation sufferers everywhere. Her mind could not have been further from his voice. Her thoughts shifted erratically between their usual fixation on a redheaded man with shadowed eyes and also on the ultimatum her landlord had given her that day. Three days to pay the rent or her furniture would be collected for the amount owed and the rest of her belongings would be shoved out on the street.

"Hey guys," Sano burst over, breaking her train of thought.

"Hi, Sano," Kaoru said wearily, wondering whether to be irritated with his cheerful mood or grateful for the distraction.

"Kaoru, care for a dance for old time's sake?"

"Sano, I don't…"

"I believe Kaoru is fine just sitting here," Akitoki jumped in, his eyes challenging. That was another thing about the boy. He was annoyingly possessive. Just to spite him, Kaoru stood.

"Actually, I'd love to, Sano."

Sano grinned and bowed while offering her a hand. She smiled at his joking manner, suddenly glad to be getting away from the table. She glanced over her shoulder as Sano led her away and couldn't help but smile a bit at the put-out look on Akitoki's face.

"Figured I'd rescue you before you got so bored you melted into the chair," Sano murmured under his breath as he put his arms around her waist, lifting her enough that she could look him in the eye.

"Thanks, Sano. I do appreciate it. However, just because you're tall doesn't mean you have to rub it in. Put me down."

He grinned sheepishly as he loosened his grip a bit and allowed her to go back to her feet. Her hands settled on his shoulders as they began swaying slightly to the slow beat of the music.

"Hey uh…Jou-chan…you'd talk to me if you needed help right?"

Kaoru stiffened in his arms as his question hit a little too close to home. "Of course, Sano. That's what I keep you around for." Sano's eyebrows rose at her slightly strained smile and falsely bright tone.

He moved to open his mouth when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He knew precisely who stood behind him and took a deep breath before releasing Kaoru with one hand so he could turn to look at the man behind him. "May I cut in?"

Sano felt Kaoru stiffen in the shelter of his other arm as she took in the other man standing quietly on the dance floor. "Sure," Sano said, his voice both warning and encouragement. His eyes spoke loud and clear. _This is your last chance. If you screw this up, we won't let you near her again._

Kenshin nodded his understanding as Sano stepped away from Kaoru and moved off the dance floor. He watched her for a moment as she shrank into herself, her eyes on the floor and her arms wrapped around her body. She looked suddenly so small, so injured.

Oh so gently, he took each of her hands in his own and placed them on his shoulders before putting his hands on her waist. Slowly he drew her into the circle of his arms, bringing her closer and closer until he'd pulled her into a hug. "I'm so sorry," he whispered in her hair. "I'm so sorry for everything. I can't imagine how, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I plan to make it up to you. I'm so sorry."

Kaoru felt the tears gathering in her eyes and turned her head into his shoulder to hide her face. "For how long?" she whispered, leaving the rest of the question unspoken. _How long will you torture me this time before leaving again?_

"As long as you'll allow me," he answered, tightening his arms slightly.

"There's so much more to say…" she whispered, her voice defeated; she already knew that she would forgive him for everything. How could she not after everything she'd been through to get this far…everything he'd been through.

"It will be said…in time…"

oOoOoOoOo

Kenshin held Kaoru to him for the next three songs before he felt a rather rude tap on his shoulder. He held still for a moment before slowly backing away from her and turning to face the person who'd intruded on their silent reconciliation.

"I think you've kept her to yourself for long enough," stated a young man with naïve eyes and neatly cut brown hair. "Maybe you should give her some room to breathe."

"Akitoki, I'm fine," Kaoru interjected, her voice rough. "Kenshin's a…a friend of mine who I haven't seen for a while."

The brown-haired main, Akitoki, humphed loudly and studied Kenshin. "Well, maybe you two can reacquaint some other time. I think everyone's leaving."

Kaoru glanced around at her friends. Aoshi and Misao were currently very wrapped up in each other and seemed to have no intention of changing that in the near future. Sano and Megumi were sitting off to the side sharing drinks. She moved to reply to Akitoki and Kenshin beat her to it.

"Kaoru, are you sure you're feeling alright, because I can drive you home if you'd like. The others appear otherwise occupied, and I wouldn't want to interrupt them."

Her eyes darted between Kenshin and Akitoki, who seemed to be unable to find something to say in the face of Kenshin's rather intimidating tone. Part of her desperately wanted to be alone with Kenshin to talk to him. She'd missed him so badly that at this point she'd take any sort of contact. On the other hand, she didn't want to make their friendship too easy yet. Part of her was still terrified that he would be off and away again in an instant with little or no warning and she would be alone again. Just as Akitoki opened his mouth to reply, she made her decision.

"That would be great, Kenshin. Sorry, Akitoki, but I really do want to do some catching up." _Among other things._

The brown-haired man nodded slowly, his eyes caught somewhere between hurt and jealousy. "I'll see you later then, Kaoru. Bye."

"Bye, Akitoki." She watched him make his way back to the booth as Kenshin slowly began leading her through the crowd. She felt the others' eyes on her back as they walked out and vaguely wondered how much of a hand they'd had in making sure she wound up with Kenshin. A smile slowly curled her lips as they walked out into the chill winter air. It was nice to feel cared for again.

oOoOoOoOo

The drive to Kaoru's apartment was quiet, but the quiet was comfortable…comforting even. Kenshin concentrated mostly on the road, but he didn't seem tense or nervous, an aura of calm he created allowed Kaoru to relax as well. She glanced at him on occasion and couldn't help feeling joy alongside the usual stab of betrayal. He still had a great deal to account for, but for some reason, his coming back this time seemed different. He seemed prepared to take on whatever she could throw at him and willing to accept that which he'd previously pushed away. Or maybe she was reading too much into things. It was just so hard to know what he was thinking or planning.

They arrived at her building and Kenshin led her to the door. She looped her hand through his and didn't even ask if he wanted to come up for tea. Rather, she simply pulled him up the stairs, and he complied willingly.

"What would you like to drink?" she asked him as she hung up her coat and set her shoes aside.

"Green tea is fine."

She made the tea as Kenshin settled himself and took into account the differences in her apartment. One of her living room chairs had gone missing and the art pieces she'd had hanging on the wall were also gone. Knickknacks from her shelves had mysteriously disappeared and the entire space seemed painfully plain and bare without them. He was glad to see she'd kept her father's sword if nothing else.

She set a steaming cup of tea in front of him and settled at the table, looking peaceful but wary. She kept glancing at him from under her bangs, as though afraid he'd disappear if she looked away for too long. Part of him grudgingly admitted that the fear was real.

There was still a very big part of him convinced that he was making a mistake by doing this, but it was overpowered by his less sensible more passionate feelings where she was concerned. It was also silenced by the things all of his friends had shared with him. If Kaoru was in trouble and he could help her, absolutely nothing, not even his own misgivings, was going to stop him.

"How…how have you been?" he asked her after a moment, hating how impersonal the question seemed.

"I'm…the kids are taking a toll on me. They're all starting to get stir crazy with being locked up for winter and it's showing in the classrooms. It's just been…very stressful."

"What about outside of work?"

She glanced up at him sharply, wondering exactly how much he knew about her situation.

"It's been…alright. I mean, I've been a little lonely because Megumi and Sano have each been very busy and Aoshi and Misao were away on business for a while."

Kenshin lapsed into silence as Kaoru's lips sealed tightly, frown lines forming around her eyes and on her forehead. The lines around her face made her seem ten years older. She suddenly seemed to match him perfectly: too much seen in too little time, too many worries piled on such young shoulders.

"Kaoru, Sano told me."

She looked up at him sharply. "Told you what?" she asked, her voice high and soft.

"About your monetary troubles."

Her eyes widened before her face became stony.

"Well, it wasn't his place. He probably exaggerated. I'll be fine."

"Why are your mother's China plates gone?"

She blanched before turning her head to the side. "I…I thought it was time to let go." Her voice was unconvincing.

"What about that Van Gogh print that you saved for two months to afford?"

"Damn it, Kenshin! I'm fine! I can handle this!"

"Kaoru, no one wants to see you kicked out on the streets. Everyone is worried about you. We want to help you if you'll let us."

"Is that what this is about? Is that the only reason you came back? Because everyone else is too afraid to just confront me about my money? They had to bribe you into coming back just about this? Well if that's the case than get the hell out right now!" She stood, her face flaming with anger and shame as she pointed at the door.

Kenshin stood just as quickly, his eyes narrowing and taking on a steely glint. "Do not make everyone else look like the villain here. We're all worried about you and we want you to know that. Don't make that sound like something cowardly. We want to help you."

"By doing what, Kenshin? I don't need Sano and Aoshi and Megumi and Misao paying my bills just because they have the spare money. I can do this on my own and I will."

"But what happens if you can't?"

The soft question broke her argument cleanly in two. She looked at him with angry eyes before turning her head to the side and laughing bitterly. "God," she muttered, "five minutes alone with you in a room and I'm already ripping your head off again."

"I don't mind," he said with a slight smirk. "You were the only one besides Hiko who would ever say what was on your mind to me, no matter how painfully truthful it might be."

She glanced at him and gave him a wry smile, which fell away again almost immediately. "Until you came back."

That silenced him for a moment and studied her profile. "I did the same to you."

"Yes, but…" she choked on the words and turned to put the teacups in the sink. Kenshin stole both cups from her hands with ease and beat her to the task, turning to intercept her.

"But what?" he asked, his voice deep and suspicious.

"Well…you've always…I mean…" She took a deep breath and began again.

"You've always been a guarded individual, Kenshin. Even after we'd been friends for years, there were still times when you'd shut everyone out and even I had no idea what you were thinking. You were usually open with me, but there were still times when I couldn't be sure how much of the truth you were bending. I didn't mind when we were younger because I didn't feel like I was entitled to your thoughts. It just bothered me when you came back because…"

She trailed off as though suddenly unsure.

"Because?" he prodded, taking a step closer.

She glanced up at him and sighed. "Because…I don't honestly know. It just…hurt…"

Kenshin's eyes narrowed further. He had a hunch that there was more to what she was saying, but wasn't sure how to go about getting her to talk about it. They stood facing each other for quite some time before Kaoru let out another sigh and turned back to the table, reaching for her briefcase to put it in its place in her living room.

The movement broke the tension between them and Kenshin visibly relaxed himself.

"Kenshin, I'm touched by everyone's concern for me. I am. I just…I'm a fully-grown woman. Is it so wrong to want to be able to take care of myself for a change?"

"There's nothing wrong with that, Kaoru. Just don't let your pride burn you."

She looked at him over her shoulder, her eyes guarded but questioning.

He glanced at the clock and realized it was later than he'd expected. "I should be going," he said softly, moving to her and gently wrapping her in a hug to let her know he hadn't taken offense to what had passed between them earlier.

"See you later," she said as he pulled away. He heard the question in her voice, even if she hadn't meant it to be there.

"Anytime you'd like," he told her truthfully and retreated to the door. "Goodnight."

"Night, Kenshin."

She turned to go to bed, but stopped when he spoke again.

"Kaoru…if you can't…I mean…"

He glanced back at her before turning to leave.

"My door will always be open to you." And then he was gone and Kaoru was left in her dark apartment feeling like she'd just lost something.

oOoOoOoOo

Three days later, Kenshin was up late. Sano had called and said he'd seen Kaoru packing up her car as she vacated her apartment. Whether or not she would come to him, he wasn't sure, but he just wanted to be ready. He was nearly asleep on the couch when a knock sounded on his door. However, when he checked the peephole, Kaoru was not the person waiting for him on the other side of the door. Quickly he undid the locks and opened it.

Sano waited on the other side, his cheeks flushed with cold and his dark eyes worried. "Has Kaoru stopped by?"

"No. What's happened?"

"No one's quite sure where she's gone but she's for sure not in her apartment. We don't know if she'd have enough money on her to go anywhere right now. Aoshi's combing our usual haunts looking for her."

"Has anyone checked with Hiko?"

"No. We thought we should leave that to you."

"Let me get my coat."

oOoOoOoOo

The closer they got to Hiko's, the more he felt they were headed to the right place. When Kaoru had been troubled other times in her life, she often escaped to his old home. Hiko always took her in, even after Kenshin had moved out. Sano pulled to a screeching halt outside the old dojo. "If she's here, you want me to wait for you guys?"

"No. If she's here, we'll just stay here. If she's not, I want to see what Hiko knows."

"Alright. Call me either way."

"Thanks, Sano."

"As always, don't screw anything up."

Kenshin gave a wry grin as he stepped out of the car. "Gee, you're welcome, Kenshin. It was my pleasure," the redhead said in a mocking voice. Sano grinned but didn't respond to Kenshin's teasing.

Kenshin made his way up the icy sidewalk, watching his breath move in frozen clouds as he tried to decide on a course of action. If she was at Hiko's, what was he going to do? She'd probably be pissed off enough that he'd found her to refuse to talk to him for the rest of the night. Maybe he should just let her stew. But if she wasn't here…

Maybe Hiko would have a good general idea of where she would go.

Hiko opened the door before Kenshin even knocked.

"About time you got here," he growled, stepping aside to let the smaller man in. "She's asleep in your old room."

Kenshin removed his coat and scarf as he looked back at Hiko, expecting more information.

"She got here and she was already in tears, so I did the fatherly thing and gave her hug and a big jug of sake."

Kenshin snorted at Hiko's ideas on fatherly affection, but decided perhaps it was best that he had time to consider what to say to her.

"What do you intend to do, now that you're here?"

"I'd…I thought I'd…" Kenshin drifted off, not sure exactly how to tell Hiko he'd been planning on asking Kaoru to move in with him.

"That's what I thought. She's welcome to stay here, but I know she'll think I'm acting out of pity. Heaven forbid anyone ever do anything for that girl because he or she loves her. However, I'm willing to hogtie her to send her off with you, provided you're not planning on doing anything stupid…again."

Kenshin snorted in indignation, even though he knew such worries were probably well placed. "I'm not planning on going anywhere this time. She needs me, so I'll be here."

"Good. Sake?"

"No, thanks. I think I'm just going to go sleep and think."

"The bed in the guest room doesn't have any linens right now." There was no possible way for Kenshin to mistake the command hidden beneath the offhand comment.

"And you're sure she won't wake up and start trying to tear my hair out?"

"I can assure you if Kaoru sees you, her initial impulse will be to slap you and then throw herself into your arms and start crying."

"Glad you're so enthusiastic about all this, Hiko."

"Get in there."

Kenshin sighed and braced himself, hoping Kaoru really was asleep. "Yessir." With uncannily quiet movement, Kenshin slipped into his old room and prepared himself.

oOoOoOoOo

Hiko was at least right about one right thing. Kaoru was out like a light. As he entered the room, he could see her curled onto a tight ball on his bed, not even covered with a blanket. Her body was utterly still and he knew without doubt that she would not wake for anything short of an earthquake. He slid his door shut, gave himself a moment to adjust to the darkness, and then flitted around his room, readying himself for bed.

When he was clothed in an old set of pajamas and his hair flowed loose around his shoulders, he faced his most pressing dilemma. Sleep next to her? Sleep on the floor? Screw the linens and sleep in the guest bed? He threw that idea out almost immediately. Hiko would catch him and turn him right back around. Though this situation wasn't his fault, all of his friends were expecting him to amend Kaoru's housing crisis in order to make up for the other things he'd done wrong for the last five years or so.

_Well, first things first_, he thought to himself. Digging into his closet he found a large, if musty, down comforter to throw over Kaoru's sleeping form. She seemed to relax as the warmth settled around her. Looking back into the closet, Kenshin discovered a microfleece throw he felt would be sufficient for his needs. Settling against the wall, he stared at Kaoru's still form.

Though he couldn't see her face, he could only imagine too well the streaks and red puffiness clouding her face from long crying. If there was one thing she despised above all else, it was the loss of her independence. He imagined this experience was probably the worst one in her life since her father's passing. Or perhaps he was wrong. After all, she wasn't catatonic as she'd apparently been after his leaving.

Contemplating the woman draped across his old bed, Kenshin drifted off into fitful sleep.

It seemed only moments later that his eyes were fluttering open again, a response to the muffled gasp he heard from the bed. Kaoru was awake, sitting up. Her eyes were wide as she took in his vigilant post, but almost immediately she bolted off the bed. Kenshin feared that he'd startled her and she was running. Immediately he rose and followed after her with all of his nearly unnatural speed, but came up short when he realized she'd actually been heading for the bathroom. He winced at the sound of her retching, but entered to pull her ponytail away from the mess.

"Damn alcohol," he heard her mutter when she'd finished with her first bout. "Damn Hiko. Shouldn't have come to see the damn drunk."

Kenshin waited a moment to see if she would have a recurrence of her illness before moving to the cupboard to get ibuprofen.

"Too loud," she groaned as he opened the squeaky door.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. I'll put some WD-40 on it tomorrow."

She was silent as he retrieved four pills from the bottle, offering them to her with the glass always kept on the sink countertop. She took them from his hands wearily and quickly downed both.

"Ugh…now I remember why I don't get drunk."

"Because you can't hold your liquor to save your life?" he prodded, his voice gently teasing but still concerned.

"Because one of you inevitably ends up seeing me like this, and that's something I'd prefer to avoid. Will you help me back to the bed?"

"Of course." He crouched next to her and slung her arm around his shoulders, deciding that he valued his clothes enough not to risk another bout of illness while carrying her. Rising very slowly, he guided her back to his room.

"Shouldn't you take me to the guest room?"

"No linens."

"I thought I saw blankets in there when I passed by."

Kenshin gritted his teeth at Hiko's blatant lie. Not much he could do about it now.

"You must have imagined it."

She was silent as they covered the remainder of the hallway. Just as he prepared to deposit her on the bed, she hiccupped, bringing attention to the silent tears now on her face. Shame, he supposed, rather than actual sadness.

"They called you and told you didn't they?"

"Kaoru, they were worried. What did you expect? That they'd just leave you alone when you had nowhere to stay. Hell, everyone's offered you their houses."

"But I don't want it! No one will charge me rent. They're all too damn nice to do that."

He was silent. What good would lying do?

"Goddamn it."

She sagged onto the bed, clutching her head in response to her stress.

"I'm going to get you another glass of water," he told her, his voice unsure.

She waited in silence. _What do people do when they have no home?_ she wondered. _What do they do when they have a job and still can't afford a decent place? I suppose I could move into Kenshin's apartment complex. That place will _definitely _be cheap enough and I'll be closer…or would that be more painful? To be so near him. I don't even know any more. It seems like I've been feeling this pain for so long. What's a little more to add on top of it?_

Kenshin returned with a full glass of cool-but-not-cold water and handed it to her, making sure that she drank it all. When she finished he took the glass and exited again, returning just a moment later with even more water.

"Great," she grumbled. "Now I'm gonna have to pee."

"You would have had to anyway," he told her knowingly.

"Shut up."

He said nothing more.

She finished off the next glass and rose, more steady on her feet now. Shoving the glass back at his chest, she stalked off to the bathroom. "She always was pissy hungover," he muttered as he took the glass back to the kitchen.

He returned to the room before she did and dithered at the door, unsure what to do with himself. Kaoru stumbled back after a few minutes. She looked a bit better, like she might have splashed her face with water or brushed her teeth. Something to make her feel more human.

She stopped in the doorway and stared at him, standing awkwardly halfway between her and the bed.

"I feel like shit and you're in mother-hen mode," she growled at him. "We'll talk in the morning when we're both more sane."

Kenshin nodded after a moment. Perhaps it would be best if they refrained from talking until she was less like an angry cat and he was feeling less like a blue-footed booby.

oOoOoOoOo

When Kenshin woke in the morning, the bed was already made, and Kaoru was nowhere in sight. Rising, he folded his blanket and laid it on the foot of the bed before wandering to the kitchen. Sure enough, Hiko was there with her, frying eggs. A stack of pancakes was already laid out. Kaoru was poking meekly at a lone pancake on her plate.

"Come on, Kaoru," Kenshin heard Hiko say as he entered. "Best way to start feeling better is to get some food in your stomach."

"Not if I barf it back up again," she growled, but so softly Kenshin wasn't sure if Hiko would have heard.

Settling across from her at the island, he quietly started forking pancakes onto his plate. Without turning, Hiko said, "I hope you have a plan in mind."

Kenshin gritted his teeth, but decided to just go along with his master's demands. "Kaoru…"

"I don't want to hear it," she cut him off sharply. "I can't possibly imagine any plan that you would come up that I could ever find acceptable. No matter what, I'm somebody's charity case, right?"

"Kaoru, I had actually…"

"Just shut up, Kenshin. The both of you actually. I appreciate everything you've both ever done for me, especially when my father… However, I'm a grown woman now and I should be able to take care of myself. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Sometimes everybody needs help, Kaoru," Kenshin murmured, thinking of his own personal difficulties, the nightmares that still plagued him, that bottle of Jack that too often found its way down his throat.

Kaoru opened her mouth like she was going to argue with him, but stopped short, huffing angrily before raising her fork to begin dissecting her pancake.

Hiko brought the fried eggs over in the interim of harsh silence, forking some onto all of their plates before settling his massive self onto the barstool at the end of the island. Kenshin raised his brow skeptically, wondering if the poor, rickety stool would give out under the enormity of its burden.

Hiko and Kenshin both ate their breakfasts while Kaoru continued to do rather unspeakable things to her pancake. Finally, Hiko put his fork down with rather more force than necessary.

"Kaoru, because your father is not here to knock some sense into you, it seems that joyous job falls to me.

"Everybody has rough times in life, Kaoru. Once my landlord booted me out for putting a hole through the wall. Now admittedly this might have been the tenth or eleventh time, but still. No deposit return, no chance to collect my furniture, he just booted me out with only a duffle bag full of clothes and my last twenty dollars. I may not ask for help often, Kaoru, but I knew that this was one of those times where I was gonna have to swallow my pride. So swallow your Goddamned pride already, girl. There are people who want to help you and you're just giving them the cold shoulder because you think they pity you. You are more wrong than you can imagine. Megumi, Sano, Aoshi, Misao, Kenshin and I…we all love you, girl, and it hurts us to watch you go through this.

"Now, eat your poor pancake already. It's suffered enough. I'm going grocery shopping. I'll see you both in a bit."

As Hiko rose, he gave Kenshin a piercing look, eyebrow raised in pointed commentary. The redhead nodded in consent, understanding that it was his turn.

He waited for the door to slam and the car to leave before collecting plates and depositing them in the dishwasher. Kaoru had finally started eating, her movements sluggish.

"Did you already take another dose of ibuprofen?"

"With the headache I woke up with? Of course."

He nodded and disappeared to his room, finding a pair of ancient hole-riddled jeans and a cotton shirt with dissolving stitches to wear for the day. They were from about eighth grade, but the stupid things still fit him so he still wore them, in spite of their near-dishrag appearance.

Emerging, he found that Kaoru had abandoned her pancake. _Did she leave again? _he wondered. _God, I hope Hiko took her car. That would stop her._

As if in answer, he heard the shower scream to life with piping hot water. He winced at the high-pitched whine, waiting for the temperatures to equalize and dampen the noise. _I need to fix that somehow,_ he noted to himself as he migrated to the living room, flipping on the TV and finding the most mindless thing he could imagine.

As he vaguely listened to Anthony Bourdain complain about the thin atmosphere in the heart of the Himalayas, he let his thoughts wander. They moved lazily, as though they were fighting through a current of molasses.

_What day is it anyway? Do I have to work? I think it's Friday. Wait, doesn't that mean Kaoru has to work? Shit. What time is it anyway? Do I have time to insist she move into my new apartment with me? Would she believe me? I really can't afford that place's rent and I was banking on having her helping out. What if she says no? What's she going to do then? What am _I_ gonna do then? Oh fuck._

Each thought bubbled to the forefront in slow motion, giving Kenshin entirely too much time to react. On the upside, he felt incapable of panicking. Panic wouldn't do anyone any good anymore. Forcibly, he blanked his mind and focused on the television.

Ten minutes later the shower sputtered to a halt and he heard Kaoru and she bumbled her way through the bathing goods. He kept his eyes trained on the television as he heard her pad down the hallway, but was nearly compelled to turn when she moved back past the living room and straight towards the garage entrance. Moments later, a lightly hissed "Fuck" reached his ears. She raised her voice a bit and said, "Kenshin, can I borrow some clothes. Hiko took my car and my suitcase is in there."

"Uh, yeah," he called back, silently thanking Hiko ten times over. His master had made this infinitely easier. She was mumbling as she passed back, something along the lines of "he's way too big for it."

The sound of her rummaging through his drawers alerted him that he needed to be prepared. He needed to have his arguments arranged and thought out, show her that moving in with him was clearly her only choice if she didn't want to take the others' "pity." This was just like presenting a verbal argument in college. Lay out the facts and give little room for argument. He needed to…to…to really not think about how good she looked in one of his ancient button-ups and a pair of athletic shorts.

…Really, really not think about it.

She settled next to him on the sofa, turning her eyes towards the TV. "So what's on?"

He couldn't tell if she was trying to lighten the mood or just avoid the subject.

"Um…have you ever seen _No Reservations_?"

"Hmm…don't think so."

"Imagine Dr. Cox except as a travel show host."

"Oh, I bet I'll like it."

They both focused on the television, although if Kaoru had asked him a question about something on it, he wouldn't have been able to answer for the life of him. After about fifteen minutes of planning and of _not_ thinking about Kaoru's wardrobe choice, Kenshin gathered his strength and began.

"Kaoru, I…"

"Kenshin. Stuff it. If I don't agree to someone's plan, I'm well aware that I will be hogtied until I 'come to my senses.' So just tell me what everyone's agreed on."

"Well…uh…"

Kenshin was caught off guard. He'd been expecting such a big long argument.

She turned to glance at him. "Kenshin, if there's one thing I've been taught in the last few months, it's that I should get everything out in the open instead of just bottling it up. You people think I need help. Fine. I don't, but I'm clearly overruled. You can't tell me that you all didn't create some sort of insane plan. I'm sure Sano and Aoshi have known about this for weeks now."

"Well, they actually left the plan up to me."

Kaoru raised a brow. Kenshin was not exactly on Aoshi's top-ten-people-to-rely-on list at the moment. Sano would just as soon punch the redhead's lights out as look at him. As far as she knew, the girls held similar opinions.

"See, I just moved into a better apartment. There was a murder near that old one and…well, you know. Didn't seem like the most wholesome neighborhood. Thing is, with real estate being what it is right now, it's hard for me to pay rent without a roommate. So I had thought…"

Kaoru stared at him, her eyes growing wider with each passing word. "Room…mate?" she squeaked.

"Well…yeah," he mumbled, his face flaming.

"Kenshin, surely you remember how well that worked the last time…"

He bit his lip hard, tasting copper in his mouth as a dry patch cracked and bled. "I…I remember very well."

"And what makes you think this is goi…"

"Because I will be better. I'm…getting better. I started going to a therapist that Saitoh recommended and I don't plan on being so…the way I was. This time we won't be strangers living under the same roof. We'll be…friends."

He paused, his voice rough with the emotion their prior experiences had left in him. He would not be such an idiot this time. He would not lose her to his own cowardice.

"That is," he added softly, "if you'd still like to be friends."

The last thing he expected was for her to throw the pillow at him. She picked up one of the black poufs on the end of the couch and hurled it right at his humiliated face.

"K…Kaoru?" he chirped as another pillow sailed at him.

"You really are an idiot," she growled. The last thing she threw at him was herself. With definitive action, she wrapped her arms around him and planted her face in his shoulder. _Enough crying_, she told herself, biting her lips to hold back the stinging tears. _I've cried too much._

"Of course I want to be your friend. I miss you and care for you too much not to want that."

Tentatively, he hugged her back. "Does…that mean you'll move in?"

"Well, where else am I gonna go?" she mumbled. "But, does it have to be today. I was kind of hoping to spend the weekend with Hiko."

"We can stay the weekend. I'm fine with that."

"And then I'll come…well, it'll be home soon enough, I suppose."

* * *

_A/N: Remember how I said there was going to be another interlude? I lied. It didn't really fit in the writing style of this story, so I posted it as a separate one-shot. It's up and ready for reading and you can get to it from my author's page. So this will be the last chapter for quite a while. I'm doing an intensive language school that requires its participants to speak, read, and write only the languages they're studying. Nine weeks of absolutely no English besides the occasional call to my folks. But a really long chapter right? See? Things are on the mend. Kenshin can't be an idiot forever, and he is only human. Eventually, personal desires will overrule whatever stupid moral compass he's got himself on. Also, I wrote this long before the economy fell apart. So again, I apologize if this is too close to home. My father's joined the ranks of the unemployed and I'm frankly very grateful that I've got a job._

"_Hate War, Love the…Warrior." –Lt. Gen. Harold Moore _


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